I found out about you last night…I still can’t believe that it is real. I hope one day you realize how blessed and amazed I feel at this moment. I feel like it is Christmas, Easter, my birthday, my anniversary, 4th of July…just everything fun and wonderful rolled into one tiny little energy growing inside me…my heart is just bursting with love, attempting to make room for more happiness in my life. I just can’t believe it is true. I am having a hard time concentrating on any else but you. Wondering how all of this is going to work out? Who will be the first to know? Will they even comprehend how long I have eagerly waited to completely feel like a woman? I look forward to the coming weeks and months…. Your development…your growth, your health…but even now, I sense you…it was the weirdest thing to have a test finally come out positive! I have waited for so long…hoped, wished, and prayed…and now all the sudden it is coming true and I am speechless. I cannot articulate my feelings…my thoughts…all of them are jumbled, but in such a happy dance…J I actually took a test two weeks ago when I was first late for my period. But that came out negative…this past weekend…. March 30th, your father and I were in bed and he accidentally elbowed my breast and I thought, “OH MI GOSH…SUCH PAIN!”…Nathan of course made a comment about how I could possibly be pregnant since tender breasts is a sign…. But, I of course denied that since I had already taken the test, and received the negative results and because we haven’t really been as active lately in the baby making area…I just thought…Late period again, and very intense PMS. But after a weekend of continuing soreness, and funny feelings…and random thoughts all day yesterday at work…Nathan and I drove straight to Rite Aid after work and purchased a Clear Blue Easy Test. There were two tests in there. It’s just so strange…I always thought when I’d finally get a positive sign it would be blue…. Up until yesterday, all the other tests I have taken have given a faint pink line to indicate that I was not with child. I am still tripping out to some degree. My left ovary was tingling on Sunday…. I wonder if that is when something happened in your development. I promise to be completely in touch with my body and with you…from now until forever. I have dreamt of you…I have missed you…it has been such a long wait for us to meet and now the seed has been planted…and you are growing…and I am going to adore, respect, love and honor you! You are my precious little angel baby or babiesJ. I am going to try to write to you from this point forward……partly to help me get through my work day and to share my thinking pattern with you, but mostly because…….in a way……you are already here with me……and unless you are incredibly gifted or blessed, I don’t think there is much chance of you remembering any of this, and maybe, one day….you, your wife, your partner, your children will want to read my book to you. It will be written with such love……every word, every sentence…..this is so amazing………oh yes, and I did call my Dr.’s office today……since I took both tests last night and both came out positive, they have scheduled me an appointment to meet with the nurse…..so, April 24th…..my BIRTHDAY, I get to meet with her and get to learn more about you and when you were conceived and maybe when we can expect you!!!!!!!!!! I will write again soon……..I am going to try to make this like a dairy to you….my very special little someone!
It’s Thursday Baby girl. Sorry Imissed you yesterday! Don’t think I wasn’t thinking of you all day long!
Hey there little one…it is Monday afternoon…. April 8, 2002. Wow, what an exciting and eventful weekend this family had. On Friday night your Dad and I went out to dinner with Tricia and told her the news about you! She was so excited. It was really nice because we had guacamole and chips, and wonderful Carnitas, beans, rice and Tortillas, and I had a virgin Margarita…. Not half bad! After Dinner we went to look at a home that was for sale. We are trying desperately go get out lives in order before your arrival…. My dream is to stay home with you and not miss a moment of your development and make sure our bond is continued outside the womb. Saturday morning we had a garage sale, and Auntie Teresa, and RoseMary came to participate as well. It was a beautiful day. After all was said and done, we went out to Rose Mary and Curtis to bbq some meat your Dad had marinated. Ever since I have been pregnant, I have been so unusually tired and get really, really beyond exhausted at night…. So I laid down for a bit in Rose Mary’s guest bedroom while your Daddy and Uncle Curtis played darts downstairs in the garage…you can only imagine how shocked I was when Auntie Rose Mary woke me up to tell me that Auntie Teresa’s water broke! Off to the hospital we went and at 11:52am your cousin Ewan was born. It was just so breathtaking. I felt honored to be there…. For my sister, her baby, our family…. Just such a miracle childbirth is! Very intense…. But your Auntie Teresa inspired me just as Rose Mary has twice before…the female body is a wondrous thing…I am even more (if that is possible) excited about the reality of you! Childbirth is one of the most basic primal things about us humans. It happens everyday to thousands, perhaps millions of people…but…. To be in that room…when a loved one is entering the outside world…joining our lives…it is a riotous rite! Makes your world stand still…absolutely NOTHING else matters…just the most basic thing, life itself! Gosh little one…your cousin Ewan is continuing the beautiful baby streak my sisters have started~! I can’t wait for you to join the ranks…J
Little Julia cried when she was told her newest cousin was a boy! She says, her brother William can play with him..…Which makes Julia the reigning Queen for now! Tyler was so amazed Auntie Teresa had a boy…he thought for sure it was a girl! But he was sweet as can be…I cant wait to tell him about you…his reaction I’m sure will be priceless…your brother is capable of so much love! He is surrounded with white light, as are you; little one…I love you so very much already…I am so honored to be carrying you!
It is Thursday, April 11, 2002. I have gone to visit your cousin Ewan Conner McClain everyday this week after work. He is a precious little man. Very kind. We had a little scare last night. Not to worry…it turned out to be a misunderstanding. Tyler told us that his Mom was pregnant again. Oh man…I hate to admit it, but I was so upset. I just couldn’t help but think that by her being pregnant again, it would somehow take away from the “special-ness” of my being pregnant for the first time. Like, somehow…. Tyler wouldn’t be as excited. I hate to sound so selfish, but it was true. As it is…I still haven’t told any of your grandparents. At this point, only a few of us know about you and I am just bursting to tell everyone and anyone who is willing to listen, but everyone just seems so preoccupied right now…and when we do tell them about you…I want it to be at just the right time…. With no other distractions going on so our expecting you is met with the proper amount of eagerness and excitement. If you only knew how your Daddy and I feel about you already…we feel so blessed…charmed, fortunate, lucky…
April 24, 2002
OK…please don’t think I am horrible…Work has been so very hectic I haven’t had a moment for myself. So today, on my Birthday, I am making the time for us! Let me bring you up to speed. This morning your Father and I went to go see the prenatal nurse. It was a rather nice visit. She was very informative and thorough. She answered all our questions, and asked us even more. From the sounds of it, you should be a healthy baby. Thankfully, there are no genetic defects on either side, or diseases. Knock on wood and thank GOD! I was not examined though. And that kinda bums me out. I had started reading that “what to Expect when you are expecting” book some time ago. I didn’t care for it much so I went to Borders this past weekend and picked up 3 books that spoke to me. I have already read one, which is unheard of for me. I mean, I didn’t read the whole thing, but the important things I did, and I really liked it. The title is something like, “Hip Momma Survival Guide”! The title cracked me up. So many books out there are geared towards Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart girls. Men write others. Don’t take offense to that comment either. If you are a boy and become a Dr., and one-day write a book on pregnancy that would be really fantastic, but note now…if you are a man, you really don’t have your mom’s support on writing a book about pregnancy because you will truly never know. Sure, you could relate, but only woman get to take this magical journey! Oh…. Ok…moving on and back to the books…. I also got a book called something like, “Girlfriends Pregnancy Survival Guide”, or something like that. I haven’t started that one really, but have read the introduction and it is quite funny. It was also recommended reading material in a Vogue article I just read written by some pregnant author. I also bought some type of “magical Midwifery” book. My girlfriend Deana bought it years ago when she was pregnant with her first child, and I really liked it. I bought it for your Aunt Rose Mary when she was expecting Julia. I thought of just borrowing it from her, but the book itself is just beautiful and I figured chances are, I wont be buying any more books, so I best get the ones I really like and am drawn to now. J
It is so funny because it seems like everything is about pregnancy now. That Vogue I bought (which I never do because I subscribe to InStyle), had not only that article written by that pregnant author chick, but it had pages and pages of chic maternity clothes and pictures of lots of different pregnant celebrities and how they dress fashionably. Which they do, but they have an unfair advantage. Most of them were friends of designers, so they would get clothes as gifts. They also all had a ton on money to spend on themselves to keep up with their looks. And of course all of them are all pretty thin from the get go so they end up looking like they swallowed a basketball and stay thin everywhere else. Well Baby, I don’t have any designer friends. Nor do I have a lot of extra cash, and I am far from petite, BUT, I am going to do my best to dress and look as happy as I feel, and that my darling little Baby, will make me one of the HOTTEST expecting Mommies around!
Oh ok…moving on…so anyways, I had to give blood today. They are going to run a bunch of tests to make sure we are both ok. I also had to give a urine sample, which was no problem considering I have to pee all the time. Both Nathan and I went and scheduled our ultrasound! It falls on your brother Tyler’s Birthday, which I think is a very good sign. Because, today is my birthday and we had our very first appointment all about you, then the ultrasounds on Tyler’s special day, and then our due date (your birth date), is November 14! Which is the day after Aunt Cha-Cha’s and the day before your Auntie Teresa’s! It’s all about birthdays right now! And I am so happy you are going to be a Scorpio! I have always wanted a Capricorn or Aquarius, but I also always thought a Scorpio would be great because, Tricia, Teresa, Kim, and Michael Webb are all Scorpio's and very kewl people! We can get more into your sign later. Believe you me; I am going to read up on it!
Oh yes, so anyways, next Wednesday, May 1st, I get to go have a vaginal ultrasound! The Dr will be able to hear your heart beat (God willing), and that should finally make me feel a little better about all this. I just want to “know” you are ok! I know I am supposed to take comfort in the fact that if something were to “happen” to you, it would be because something wasn’t right, and therefore, it is kind of a blessing. But, I just don’t see it like that. I want to meet you! The mystical being inside me who is dividing cells, and forming (hopefully) as we speak. J
So…. One more week. I guess that will have to do. By the way, they are estimating I am 11 weeks now! I don’t think they are right though. Hopefully next week the ultrasound will let me know how far along I really am. By the way, in case you aren’t due ‘til later, and you are a Sagittarius, know that I will love you. I know some very interesting babies from December. Auntie Stacie, Uncle Darren…both very strong, individuals. But I must be honest, I think it would work out better for you to have a birthday in November because I really do think children in December get the short end of the stick on bday gifts because of the expenses of Christmas…. but I promise you, I will throw you a bday party no matter what and everyone will come because you are so very special.
May 02, 2002
I have had a month now to get used to the idea that this is really happening now. It is like a dream that I can’t quite release myself to, I can’t quite “believe”. Well yesterday…. not only did the doctor feel you while he examined me, but I saw you! I just can’t get over the overwhelming feelings of love, joy, happiness, and excitement I have. It was funny when I went to see the Dr. and he asked me matter of factly, “So you are 11 weeks along now?” I told him, that that was what I had been told but that I didn’t believe it. 11 weeks seemed too far along. Then I went on to tell him how I feared that either there would be no heart beat, or that I had somehow imagine the pregnancy and my body was playing tricks on me. Not that my breasts haven’t been sore, or food tastes weird, or that I haven’t been tired, or gag every time I brush my teeth, but because… It…. or you seemed too good to be true or real. So after giving me an exam, he pressed down gently on my abdomen and said, “I don’t know. I think there may be a baby in there!” I was beyond happy to hear him tell me that. Next came the vaginal ultrasound, which sounds so much more horrible than it really is. I was kinda prepared for there to be pressure or discomfort but instead, it was painless. Not to mention, the only way to get a look at you so that was just fine with me! And just as soon as the Doctor slid the scope into me, a tiny little blob like figure appeared on the screen. You were head down and all four limbs were already developing and sticking out. I must say you already managed to make me proud by waiving feverishly at us through the screen. It was just amazing. I picked up on A LOT of boy energy. I don’t know why. But I did. I’m not even sure if your sex has been determined yet at this stage or not. I really need to start reading up on these things again! But gosh…you simply amazed me. I have the print outs of the ultrasound taped to my monitor at work. My eyes can’t help but shift down twice every minute to see this lovely black and white photo I have of you. It’s so bizarre because everyone who knew I got to see you yesterday asked me if I had cried, and then went on to explain how they bawled when they saw there babies. Well you know I didn’t! I just smiled, smiled, smiled. Then when I broke my smile, I laughed out loud! It is just such a trip! The whole miracle of life stuff! Every magical moment of it is a gift from a higher spirit! And with that light and love you grow…and waive at your mommy and grandmother and doctor…. And you even kicked your tiny little stub of a leg! To know you are moving around inside me fills me with anticipation of feeling you move for the first time. This journey you and I are on…it is all our own. And it is such a precious gift. I want to savor every moment and never forget for a moment that my baby is growing, moving, developing, and evolving, to prepare for this thing called “life”. Which reminds me…. I have to let you know something. I am beginning to feel like a hypocrite, which RARELY happens to me. Not that I am too proud to admit something, but because I am so head strong and opinionated my way of thinking RARELY changes or can be altered. And I am in no way about to say I have done a 180 here either but…I need to let you know I have always been one for freedom. And I need to be more specific here; I am referring to Choice. And currently, I still am. I don’t believe anyone has the right to tell another what he/she can do or not do to his or her own body. I am thankful for many that there are safe ways for them to go about terminating an unwanted pregnancy…but, feeling what I feel for you, and seeing your little heart beating, and your arm waiving…I am so very thankful that I was never in a position where I was forced to make a choice in my past. Because experiencing you and all the joy you have already brought to my life, and to my entire family… I can’t bare the thought of ever losing you. And I hope, pray and wish for you to cherish these words I have for you…and never forget them. You are so wanted, and needed in our lives now. Things just wouldn’t be the same, and again, I cannot wait to meet you…. my beautiful hyper blobby thing!
Monday, May 13, 2002
Just wanted to let you know I have NOT forgotten about you! I have been reading still, and have started to get some things organized. We have bought your crib and changing table. The changing table is now in the room along with a piece of furniture we purchased that is called a tall boy! It is basically a smaller armoire. It is awesome. It was delivered yesterday (Mother’s Day) and we cleaned it up and put your clothes and Tyler’s in there. It was just too much fun. I think your room is going to be just precious when it is all finished. I can’t wait to get the crib in there and then I can begin looking for the bedding. Even though I intend to find out your sex, I am still doing the room in neutral baby colors so don’t worry about everything being all blue and trucks or all pink and satin either. Your room color is a very soft green, with white trim. I love it. Your daddy and I have the same paint in our room but it shows so much better in yours! Gosh little baby, I love you so much.
Monday, May 20, 2002
Today we are 12 weeks…one week away from the 2nd trimester! Yippee. I can’t wait! So far, I am still able to wear my normal clothes, but I definitely feel roundness to my belly-taking place. J So this weekend, your daddy and I painted the bathroom in preparation of your arrival. I apologize for the strenuous work I did, and for the fumes I inhaled. I have so much guilt built up around this weekend as a result. The Dr.’s say it is ok to be around paint fumes, but just like anything else to use common sense, which I did, I think, but I will never be able to articulate how much my thinking process is ruled by thoughts of you and your well being! So I pray that you are all right, and I didn’t do any damage more than you know, and I vow to never paint (myself) again! I am calling your Auntie Teresa to confirm that she too painted while she was expecting and that everything should be ok…she is not answering though…. how annoying…I know Rose didn’t paint when she was pregnant because they pay people to do it…shoot…. Still no answer. Maybe I should call the advice nurse. Teresa just picked up…ok…. Kewl…. She admitted to spray painting and informed me that her friend who just had a baby, painted the nursery herself and that her doctor explained that the paints they make now aren’t as toxic as they used to be…But Nathan, did use some paint thinner, which really smelled…it smelled so much that I actually left the house and went to Tricia’s…I was only there for about 20 minutes with the paint thinner smell…hmmmm…I wonder if the same rule applies? Don’t get me wrong and think I am horrible…. all the windows and doors were open and we had two or three fans on…I wonder if I should call the advice nurse? Maybe I should…. just so they can initially make me feel stupid and then relieved…I am going to call…I called and left a message with the advice nurse…I hope she calls back soon. Anyways…I just can’t wait for you to get here…I mean, I can because you still have awhile to develop, but…it is just such a trip. Right now, is a weird time to be pregnant…. because no one can tell yet by looking at me that I am…. and I totally feel pregnant…I mean, I am tired, gassy, bloated and I think I look different, but it’s like a secret. Quite a few people know now but not everyone…I cant wait until you get bigger and make my tummy expand…I want to feel your feet, your head, your hands pressing against me as if to say hi…I want to feel you moving about and making room for your ever growing self…That will be so amazing…I will let you know what the advise nurse says when she calls back…I cant wait to hear from her. OK…I have to be honest with you…. it is Tuesday now…. sorry about the delay…the nurse did call back to say everything should be just fine…but I promise I won’t take anymore chances! Your dad is going to finish up everything tonight, while I go visit little Ewan…I can’t wait to see him again! He just fills my heart…he is precious and it is such a trip that inside my tummy you too are becoming a little baby…. every single day…Mommies little miracle!
Friday, May 31, 2002
So…I HEARD your heartbeat yesterday! Too AMAZING! It was strong and fast! People keep telling me that is a sign of a girl…who knows! Anyway, our appointment was with Dr. Cueto. He was so awesome. He said that both you and I seem very healthy! You have no idea what a relief it is to hear a Dr say that! I try not to worry too much, and don’t think I do as much as I did before the ultrasound but…. it was definitely time to see the Dr again yesterday because I was starting to get a little panicky again!
So today, I went to Wal-Mart on my lunch and I bought some picture frames for your room and a really pretty rug for in there too. I also bought a Sarah Brightman CD. She is so amazing. I am trying to listen to nothing but beautiful sounds and songs right now…actually, I tend to be that way anyway, but it is nice not listening alone J
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
14 Weeks!!!!! Yippee little baby. Really getting into the name game. Your Daddy is really boring in this area. For him being so anti-rules, or whatever he is…he sure does feel safer sticking with a “traditional” name (whatever that is).
Monday, June 17, 2002
I have been having the most insane dreams lately. Like really intense. I have always been a “traveler” in my dreams…very much in charge of the direction, but not lately. I have read and heard that it is typical when pregnant to experience some really intense dreams. Last night was one of them! In last nights dream I was at the hospital and wanted to find out if you are a boy or girl. So the Dr told me to “push” (deliver you), so we could see, at which point you could just as easily be placed back in side me. Even in my dream I knew this was a crazy concept, but it was just too tempting. So…I pushed and out you came! We turned you over and you were a girl! It was so amazing. My dream was so real…. there was an umbilical cord and everything…and I got to see your face and you were so beyond beautiful. Your little face was just precious, your body perfect, you were healthy…. it was all just so dreamy! I STILL can’t believe that I am lucky enough to be pregnant with you! I am STILL on cloud 9! Happier than I ever thought imaginable! I wonder if you will look anything like the baby in my dream last night. That would be pretty trippy if you did, huh? It was weird in my dream though because you were a full size baby. I didn’t want the Dr. to put you back in me…. I wanted you out with me so I could hold you and stare at you…I must have woken up at that point…but I do remember cradling you in my arms and staring at your sweet face, and falling deeper in love with you than I already am.
July 2, 2002, Tuesday
Hello there little one. I got to sneak a peak at you again yesterday. You are getting so big! I just can’t believe it! Yesterday was my “big” ultrasound. The one that a technician checks for birth defects and can usually determine the sex…well in your case…. you appear to be healthy and growing just wonderfully. You move so much. But I still haven’t felt you since that one time a couple of weeks back. L I didn’t save the date (like I thought I would) because I am not all together certain it was you I was feeling and not just gas. Going back to your appointment now…so, your father and I decided to go ahead and find out what you are…well, I decided really…. you dad is much more patient than I and was more than willing to wait…but I can’t stand it. As it is, I have been going crazy waiting up until now…but, I guess you were being shy or wanted to keep us guessing and in suspense, because you would NOT turn around for us! You were facing my spine the whole time of the exam. You moved constantly, but never around so we could get a good look at your genitals! It was quite amusing though to see your foot tapping away on my bladder the entire time! I guess that explains why I continue to have to go to the restroom constantly.
As wonderful as it was to see you yesterday, I must admit the appointment was a bit disappointing. Again, I am so grateful and thankful that you are well…however, I was really disappointed that our technician only allowed your father in the room at the end of the exam. Since this is my first go around with all this, I just kinda went along with the flow, but I was wondering the entire time why your dad wasn’t allowed in with me. Well come to find out…. it is pretty much up to the technician on whether or not spouses, partners, or family members are permitted in. So although she was friendly, I am really bummed I got her because she was uncompromising. Thankfully, I have an appt on the 24th of this month. So I called my Doctor's office and asked to speak to Dr. Nutter’s assistant. I explained to her the situation of yesterday and asked if Dr. Nutter would please consider doing another ultrasound on the 24th so your father and I may enjoy it together. Not to mention hopefully you will be in the mood to share with us whether you are a boy or a girl! Dr. Nutter and her assistant apologized for my experience yesterday and agreed to perform another one for us! We are both so very happy about this news. Even if you are shy and don’t reveal yourself to us that day…. that’s ok…I just really want to have more time with Nathan in the office so he can hear your heartbeat, see your growing body and feel more connected to this amazing experience. Not to say he isnt connected because he is wonderfully happy and supportive…. but because he is a man and not actually the pregnant one, I feel as though he must feel a bit left out! I mean I absolutely adore being with you 24/7! For example, I have recently started doing my yoga again, and it just feels so awesome to have you there in my tummy…when I do my breathing, I think of you getting nice cool deep breaths, and appreciating the benefits and rushes you must feel as my blood pumps the oxygen a bit quicker through my body. And this past Sunday, I went to my parents (your grandparents) and I went swimming. As I did my laps, and swam under water, I felt so very connected to you because I was in an environment much like the one you are in now…warm, comforting water. In a way, it felt like you were swimming with me…doing Yoga with me…. and it made me so excited to be doing two healthy activities with you.
July 24, 2002, Wednesday
July 25, 2002, Thursday
I had every intention of writing to you yesterday…. but the day just got away from me. Gosh, I have missed writing to you though. But don’t be sad. I am writing in a book too! Poor thing! You will never be able to read my writing. I am so sorry about that too. I try to write clearly but what can I say…. my penmanship sucks!
So things are going very well with the two of us. The other day, Monday, July 22, I went for a check up because I had been under some stress for about a week. Thankfully, we heard your heartbeat, and you moving around quite a bit! It definitely gave me peace of mind. Dr. Niles informed me that my appt with Dr Nutter would have to be rescheduled. I was supposed to meet her yesterday (Wednesday) and she was going to give me another ultrasound to take a peek at your sex. But, her son died, and she was out of the office for an unspecified amount of time. Poor woman. Although I have not yet met her…. my heart, love and prayers go out to her because I just can’t imagine that pain. I think that it is the most unfair feeling in the world…to lose a child. I honestly can’t bare the thought…. I now know why my Mom has always told me she’d die or go crazy if anything happened to us girls. It’s just something that goes along with being a Mom I suppose. We just put so much love and thought into you every moment of every day. From the moment we know you exist, we have this overwhelming need to protect you. I will tell you now…I hope not to be an overbearing over protective Mom. I really want us to have a special, special friendship. I plan on being completely honest with you. However, I pray that you respect me enough to always be honest, and to please always use good judgement. I have to admit…up to probably even a couple of months before you came along…. I took risks. Because…I don’t know what it is about us humans…. we just “know”, nothing will ever happen to us. But little one, it can. And I am not trying to scare you…I just want to instill a value in you for how precious and sweet life itself it. I know at some point, you will over look this fact and put yourself at risk…and that is perfectly normal. But I beg of you that it doesn’t happen too often. And that from the moment you chose to do something risky, you think of us…your family, and how much we love you and want a long beautiful healthy life for you more than anything else in the world. I think my parents did a pretty good job of being my conscious. Whenever I made a choice I knew my parents wouldn’t necessarily accept or understand, I swear I felt like they were with me. And sometimes living with that “guilty” feeling made me realize it wasn’t worth it for me to do a certain act again. And as much as I held that against my parents, for ruining my fun…I knew in my unselfish heart, how fortunate I was to have parents like that. And sometimes I would get mad at my Mom and Dad. I felt like they made my sisters and I too much of “their” lives. That they should loosen the reigns a bit. Do more couple things, and let us be free. And to a certain extent, I still do feel that way. But as I get older, and am now a Mom to Tyler and soon to you…. and an Auntie to Julia, William and Ewan, I have that natural instinct to want nothing but positivity in your lives. And I know at some point, you all will experiment and as you get older chose your own paths…. but having the family you have…. you will never be alone. You will never be abandoned, and no one will ever give up on you…and it is because of the way my parents showed me how to love that I am confident of that. So as overbearing and overwhelming as it may seem at times…. what a wonderful gripe to have…you are just loved way too much! And I swear to you, the really trippy part of it all is…especially in high school… my friends whose parents let them do what ever the hell they wanted, didn’t have curfews, had adult privileges…just way too cool for me! They ached for parents more like mine. Parents who came to every game I cheered at. Showed up to tape record rallies, see me in plays, volunteered to chaperon the SCHOOL DANCE (you can only imagine my horror)! My “cool” friends missed out on this embarrassment that over time became my pride. Not to say I realized this at the time…but to a certain extent…I kinda did. Even with my teenage rebellion and angst…. I have always loved my parents, and have always respected them. Except in junior high school, when I really was a horrible confused pathetic rebel. By High school I had all of that out of my system for the most part. But I still don’t think we are (or at least I was) a complete human being (or at least on my way to being a valuable member of society) until after my divorce to Darren…gosh baby, I pray you learn from some of my not so wise choices. Not to imply I regret getting married to Darren, because I don’t. Not really. I loved him very much and we are still the best of friends who want nothing but the best for one another. But, even though I would have denied it up and down at the time, I should have known better. Not to take marriage lightly. To be mature enough to recognize what type of relationship I wanted and expected, and been honest enough with myself to know, it wasn’t what we had. We had a very young, possessive, co-dependant relationship. I didn’t think I was the type to have the perfect relationship, so in a way, I settled, and thought that “love” was enough. Well, it didn’t take me long to realize once I was married, that, that was it. As far as anyone else knew, we were a happy, functioning, healthy, trusting young couple in love. Instead, we were more like best friend roommates, who were really in love with each other and love, but didn’t necessarily love and respect one another. I don’t want to say we were too young. Because I believe love is an emotion that you can’t put an age cap on. Also because, there are many people who marry young and have successful marriages…but we were immature, selfish, and not sophisticated enough to know better. It wasn’t until I met your father did I think it was possible for me to actually have a loving, long lasting, honest, truthful, trustful, unconditional love. It was a new concept to him as well. I remember when we first started “hanging out”, and our friendship quickly grew into a love for one another (something neither one of us planned nor even knew we wanted), we both kept using the phrase “refreshing” to describe our connection. Gosh…. baby, I pray that you too one day find a love as great as your fathers and I. It really is true magic.
I’m kinda going all over the place here, I know. I just have so much I want to share with you. By the time I write to you again it will be August. We are leaving work today at noon, going home to pack up the car, and then heading over to pick up Tyler at his Mommies. Then off to LA! Your Aunt Bethany is getting married this weekend and we have decided to make a little vacation out of it and stop off at Disneyland on the way back home! We are so very excited! Anyways, I got totally side tracked…. when I went to the Dr on Monday he told me the results of the ultrasound. Apparently, we will be getting another one in August. The technician didn’t get a clear enough picture of the four chambers of your heart. Not to worry. They say it is because; you are due on December 25, instead of December 4th like they had originally thought! Baby, I don’t know when you are coming…but I am still going to consider myself 21 weeks pregnant, not just 18! I definitely feel like you should come sooner than later…. I just think you are petite because your father and I arent exactly super models over here. Regardless of when you come…. you are well on your way! Growing every day! It is just an amazing beautiful miracle! I love being pregnant with you. It is by far the most exciting time of my life! I pray for your health every day. I am pretty convinced you are a girl right now. It will be a total shock if they find in the ultrasound a twig and berries! But I just can’t wait to find out. And hopefully we will know for certain soon! It’s so strange because I don’t want to say goodbye right now…. after all, you are always with me…but I probably should get some work done! Love you bunches, and will write again very soon!
Thursday, August 01, 2002
Hey Baby Girl! J Your Daddy and I found out yesterday that you most definitely appear to be a girl! We are both so very excited. Now the quest for a name will really begin. It has been so exciting expecting you this far…now that we know you are a girl we can begin to plan accordingly. Not to make you think, your room is going to be all pink and lace or anything like that. But it does help me narrow the name search down and also enables me to start picking up items beyond yellow and mint green! There are just so many adorable clothes out there for girls. For example, Tyler, Nathan and I just got back from Southern California. Your Aunt Bethany is now married. While we were there, I went shopping with Tyler and Heather (your Uncle Jonathan’s current flame). It was so nice. I could have easily spent the entire day browsing through all these quaint little boutiques along the ocean side in Laguna Beach. Unfortunately, we didn’t have all day, but just the same I came across this little store that specialized in baby wear! Fortunate for us, the woman who owned the store was having a sale on all her merchandise. Everything was 50% off! She is going to sell only on the internet from now on…so I bought you some goodies and they are definitely more feminine than masculine. They were truly the first items I ever bought for you. Everything up to this point has been furniture, practical, items. But this felt like a much needed indulgence for the both of us!
So let me run some names by you. Just so you know where my head is (or was).
Stella Blue
Luna Bella
India Star
Zara
Gypsy
Drew
Skylar
Gosh…. So many names…. I also LOVE the name Magdelina Rose. But I don’t want people calling you Maggie. I don’t like names that people can shorten. At least not right now. I also love some traditional old school names like, Scarlet, Violet, and Vivian. It’s just so hard. I want to name you something that I won’t one-day regret, which is why I am thinking or trying to go with something original. I don’t want you to be just another Sara in the room (and I love that name!). But…there are so many Sara’s, so many everything’s…I want to give you a name that represents your own person individuality. A name with character and personality on its own. So when people hear it, or when they meet you, it just all fits. That is the name I want for you. Something uniquely you! Something that celebrates all you want to be.
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
Hey baby girl! Today is a “Tyler” day and I am so very happy about that. Your father and I have decided that we will need to take Lexi (Tyler’s birth Mom) to court. It is a very unfortunate thing to have to do, but we see no alternative at this point. I hesitated discussing this with you, but up until this point I have been completely honest with you about what is on my mind and in my heart, and this right now, is very much on both!
I can’t help but think of how wonderfully open minded and kind hearted you will be. That is how we intend to raise you. We are very fair, understanding people your father and I. Unfortunately, not everyone can see eye to eye on all matters. I shouldn’t say that is unfortunate because life would be a bit dull if we were all clones of one another. So, more specifically I am referring to Tyler’s mom not wanting or knowing how to put Tyler’s best interests above her own wants and needs. It’s a difficult situation little one. I hate bringing up any of this ugliness to you…but like I said before, this book to you isnt intended for your first birthday. It is written to you for age 13 and above I suppose. And hopefully, by the time you can actually remember anything in your life, you will know, no other way, than having your brother Tyler being very much a part of your life…. which is all we really want. You deserve to get to know him. He is so amazing. So strong, so smart…so adaptable. I guess why I wanted to share this with you, without going into much detail is to stress to you how important it is in life to be considerate of others. To not be selfish. To learn how to put someone else’s best interests above your own…which isnt the most natural thing for us humans to do. But nonetheless, a very vital quality to obtain. It saddens me to think that the four of us can’t sit down and work something out. But we have tried, and had nothing but failed attempts. My hope is, by the time you read this and understand it; you will be surprised to know we ever had to do this. And know that even though you aren’t physically here yet, we already have your best interests in mind and in our hearts, which is why we are taking steps now; to have this all situated before you even get here.
Thursday, August 15, 2002
Baby girl…you have begun to move SOOOO much lately! It has been just awesome. Just yesterday morning, I lay in bed half asleep and felt you doing “laps”! It was hysterical. I had never felt you move so much before. It was such an incredible feeling. I read today that you are most likely over a lb. now…just think of that! Take a moment to comprehend that my life has already so drastically changed and you are just over a lb.! I just feel on top of the world! I think I am the happiest pregnant woman ever! I just can’t imagine anyone else feeling as wonderful as I do. I feel so fortunate that we have gotten along so well since the beginning. What luck! I really appreciate it little one.
Your father and I are still having a rather difficult time thinking of a name for you. It is just so overwhelming. I am much more indecisive than I thought. But I won’t go on about that. I feel fairly certain that once we come up with one that suits you…you will be the first to know!
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
This is an email I wrote to a girlfriend today…. I think it sums up how I am feeling right now.
I gotta tell you, the pregnancy thing just rocks. It is amazing what our bodies can do. It is also just mind-boggling what goes through your mind. I have never considered myself to be really maternal. Even with my niece, nephews and Tyler.... I have been an authority figure in some ways, but still kinda kewl too. I think parents are correct when they say, you don’t know what it is like until you have your own. Because even though she isn’t out yet...she is very much present. The stream of conscience is really trippy. I worry about everything. And not in a hypochondriac way...really valid concerns that never crossed my mind before. I don’t think they will ever stop... but it is such a small price to pay for all the joy a baby brings into this world. I just have this overwhelming need to protect her. I want absolutely nothing but health for her. You worry about diseases, deformations, mental, emotional issues...you pray she can hear and see...you pray that once she gets here she always awakes from her naps, she never chokes on food. You pray no one ever takes her from you. That no one ever harms her. It makes you physically ill to think that any harm in any way could ever be in her life. And then I get to feel her from time to time...and Julie, that is such an awesome sensation. I just can’t describe it. It feels kinda like gas, but then very much like something you have never imagined before. From time to time I just trip out and think about what an amazing everyday miracle pregnancy is. I mean, it is so common and it happens all the time. And alot of times it goes unnoticed, unappreciated, unwanted. So for there to be a human being forming that is actually wanted and loved...it is just such a dose of reality as to what is truly important in this life. It is such a gift. I just love it. I don’t miss going out all the time. I don’t worry about what I will be missing out on by having her now. It just feels right. Like, now it makes sense to knowingly make that life change without it feeling like such a sacrifice. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to really be able to have a drink or two...but it isn’t as hard as I thought. I have really been in tune with my body and her. And I just meditate and appreciate this time we have together. Soon enough she will be here, and that will be wonderful, but for now...she is my own little partner in crime. She hears me, she feels my heartbeat, she naps from time to time, and she dances in there...it is just so wonderful. There is nothing more that I want then to cherish this time with her. Besides.... I have already noticed and taken time to appreciate the silence of our home right now. But it is time to hear giggles and cries.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
We had an appointment yesterday with Dr. Cueto. I am 26 weeks pregnant and still loving every minute of it. Your heart rate was between 140-150 beats per minute. My Uterus measures 27 cmm! I can’t believe it is going to reach 40! Crazy. I have only gained 3 lbs this month, which just perfect. You are gaining ½ lb a week now. I read today that you are 1-½ lbs by now. I can’t remember how long you should be by now, but I can tell you are plenty long enough by how much space you take up now. It is just the coolest thing ever. I think you must still love pushing on my bladder because I still pee frequently, but I don’t mind. Any chance I get to pull my pants down and see you growing, I welcome! J
Just this past weekend we were all over at my mom’s for Toby’s birthday. Your dad and I went over early and spent the entire day there. We were fortunate enough to have Tyler with us, and as luck would have it, your cousin Julia was there too. So Tyler and Julia played and swam much of the day with your father. The pool was much too cold for my liking, but I finally did go out on a float while the kids ate lunch for some peaceful time alone with you. I was wearing a two-piece, so as I lay there on my back, I had my nice swollen tummy up towards the sky. It felt just wonderful. My stomach has not seen the sun for a couple of months! My point in telling you all of this is you were moving so much! I think you really enjoyed the warmth of the sun on you. And it was especially sweet because I was really able to just lay, and enjoy both feeling and seeing your movements!
Your poor Daddy NEVER gets to feel you move. You are quite stubborn about performing for him! It cracks me up because we will be lying in bed, and you will be moving and kicking up a storm. As soon as I think there is a pattern, I let Nathan know and he quickly goes for my tummy and patiently awaits. But as luck would have it…you rarely move again until his hand has been lifted up off my stomach! It kinda cracks me up. He jokes about it too, so don’t feel guilty about it. It just seems fitting somehow that you don’t always do what we want. Real cute baby girl…real cute!
Thursday, September 05, 2002
I CANT believe it! I am finally in my 3rd trimester! 6 months pregnant! Yippee! You are due in less than 3 months now. That is so exciting. Let me see…what did I want to tell you? Oh yes. On Saturday I experienced my first leg cramps. Three of them to be exact! They were pretty horrible if I do say so myself. They are basically a Charlie Horse. The best way I can describe it is it’s like your muscle tightens up and twists at the same time. It is so bizarre because they happen for no good reason. I read in one of my books that it may be due to, too much meat and dairy. Which would kinda make sense considering that my diet basically consists of lots of dairy and some type of meat? I love milk; cheese, yogurt, ice cream and I pretty much always want some type of meat for dinner. Usually it is chicken. But I have been eating more red meat since I have been pregnant I think. Anyways, they suggested some leg exercises or stretches rather. Auntie Teresa also gave me the same tips. Since then, no more leg cramps…thank goodness! But I still just love having you with me all the time. I just love sitting and lying down with you. I pull up my shirt so I can see you taking up more and more space in my tummy and it is just amazing. I read this morning that you are at least 2 lbs now! And 12-14 inches long! By next week you should begin dreaming J This week you can start having hiccups quite regularly. Just wonderful stuff! All new and exciting.
Last night, your Daddy and Tyler had dinner on their own. I had a dinner party with some girlfriends. It was my girlfriend Julie’s birthday celebration and another friend’s new job celebration. I went with your Auntie Rose Mary and Patty. So many wonderful people were there. Caprice, Tricia, Rose, Julie, Patty, Rachel…we had such a good time. We ate and they all drank. I had a few sips of red wine! It was so enjoyable. At any rate, your Daddy told me all about his dinner with your brother Tyler. They went to a little drive in/take out spot right in our neighborhood called “Cookies”. I guess Tyler was really impressed with it. He had a hot dog and a strawberry shake. While he sat there and talked to your Daddy, he said that he thought it would be better if Elisa and the Baby were there with them! Isn’t that too cute? He is so special that boy! I just love him to pieces. And you are seriously so lucky to have a big brother like him! He is so sensitive, thoughtful, kind and loving!
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I am in a weird mood right now. I feel so tired. I have been rather fortunate lately because I haven’t been working full days. I just cant bring myself to stay a full day much longer. Probably the past week I have started feeling really tired again. This is kinda frustrating because there is always so much I would like to do. But laying down feels the best. And I am listening to what Dr. Cueto advised me, and listening to my body. But besides that, I feel just as ecstatic as usual regarding you! You are still moving around quite a bit. Yesterday I read that you are most likely 2 ½ lbs now, developing body fat, and around 12 inches long! That is just so amazing. Oh and the night before last night you finally kicked for your Daddy again! He could NOT BELIEVE how strong your kick was. I was relieved that someone else felt you finally. You are very particular! You crack me up. I call you the WB frog (which is a cartoon reference you will get later). But basically you wont kick, move, squirm, nothing for no one except me! As soon as someone places their hand on my tummy, you just STOP what ever it was you were previously up to. Gosh Baby… I just love you so very much. I wish I didn’t feel so out of it because I would love to keep writing you but I think this entry cant be very entertaining for you, so I will put an end to it. I promise to write to you again as soon as I muster up the energy you deserve! I love you will all my heart and am so thankful for your presence in me.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Hi baby girl! You have been so incredibly active the past couple of days it has been cracking me up! It feels just as you would imagine to, but then like nothing you could ever imagine at the same time! I will be sitting at work, typing away and all the sudden you will begin your morning kickboxing class! Then last night after dinner and cleaning up a bit, I laid down on the couch to relax, but no matter what position I chose, you kicked me so much to let me know you didn’t like it! You Daddy came and sat next to me, placed his hand on you and was simply amazed and the strength behind your movements!
My energy has still been pretty low lately. I asked Dr. Cueto about it on Tuesday and he basically told me it had everything to do with me being pregnant. I guess what is happening is, I am not able to sleep very well at night any more. It is becoming more difficult for me to get comfortable. Harder to change positions. Then once I do find a comfy place, it is time to go to the restroom. Then I go back to bed and start the ritual all over. I wake up any where from 2-4 times a night. So when I do wake up to start my day, I feel restless because of the lack of or broken up sleep from the night before. Please don’t think I am complaining. I actually don’t mind getting up to go to the restroom. Or finding a comfy place for the two of us to sleep. I think it will be much better across the board when I don’t have to get up to go to work. I think that is the hard part. I just have a hard time motivating to move quickly after little sleep. Having to take a shower, be dressed and somewhere on time…is beginning to sound as appealing to me every morning as climbing a mountain naked. I try to train myself into thinking this is good practice for me for once you are here. But again, I don't think it will be the late/early night feedings that will tire me to the point I feel now. Again, I don’t know anything for absolute certain right now…but I look forward to those times with you. And the main difference is, after we feed and change you, we can both maybe lay back down and snuggle for a bit. Now that to me has got to BEAT traffic to work!
Saturday, September 28, 2002
I finally have saved this on disk and brought it home. Oh yeah, and your Dad and I just got our new home computer all set up. I figured this would be a better place for me to continue writing to you. Although I am missing my keyboard from work right now!
Today I took my Preventive Health course. Now I am ready to send off my application to the County to get licensed for a daycare. The class today was pretty boring, but it was nice to have you there with me! You would kick me from time to time just to let me know you were just as amused as I was. J Tonight (much like last night, and the one before that, etc.) your father and I are just relaxing in our quiet home together. After my class I was pretty tired and cranky. Thankfully, your father made me something to eat, while I did bills. Doing bills was kind of depressing. I wish your father and I were more stable financially. It worries me sometimes. I know we will have enough to provide the necessities, but right now things just seem so tight. I just keep praying that things will just work out for the best. I am confidant that they will. Your father and I should be getting quite a bit of money right before your due date which will put my mind at ease. Its just in the meantime that we have to learn to be patient and extremely frugal. Thinking about it too much kind of makes me feel a little panicky because I wish we could get the money sooner to take care of matters now rather than just right before your arrival but we have to do things the “right” way and unfortunately that requires us to be patient a bit longer.
I don’t mean to sound like such a downer right now, but when you read this I want you to kind of get a snapshot of where we (I) am in my seventh month! I just keep thinking it wouldn’t be natural for things to be a walk in the park. After all, life is life and reality is reality. Just because I am about to give birth to a miracle angel baby doesn’t mean I no longer have to pay bills! But my point in all of this is…our house is too quiet right now! Which may not seem like the point of this with all the money talk. But trust me it is. Like I said, it seems as though your Dad and I are just killing time right now until you get here. Don’t get me wrong. We are very busy people and our calendar is always so full. But on the rare occasion like tonight…when it is just us…and the house is clean, we don’t have Tyler, no social obligations, we are both well rested…it dawns on me, and perhaps your father that although most parents would say to value this quiet time, which I do try to do…I just cant help but miss you being here. Now that may not make sense since I haven’t even met you yet but maybe because I have dreamed of knowing you my entire life…or maybe because your father and I, now in our 7th month, have adjusted our lives to accommodate your arrival…I just cant help but feel like every day… every night…is just another checked off day on my calendar. One day closer to seeing you. Getting to know your soul, your smile, your face, your cry, your heart. I feel a little like a kid before Christmas or before going to Disneyland. The fact that it is getting closer helps, but on quiet nights like tonight I think of how wonderful it would be if you were here already. I’m just so ready to love you little one! I cant wait to touch you…to feel your soft skin…to know it by sight. But for now, I stare at my tummy, waiting for you to move so I can feel (even if just a little bit) more connected to you. Feeling you inside me is a blessing…it is a gift from God. Seeing you poke my tummy, or roll across it, is nothing short of breathtakingly awesome.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
I am so terribly sorry it has taken me so long to take the time to write to you! So much has been going on! Let me start off by informing you that I am on medical leave right now. I was to have an appointment on 10/4, but 10/3 I called Dr. Cueto’s office. I was quite honestly just having a hellish morning. I felt so overwhelmed. Not by you Sugar Plum! Just life, work, work, life…annoying people, annoying things, just too much crap at once and I felt as though I was losing it! Just could not cope with acting normal or functioning like most people can. The advice nurse insisted I come in right then and there. So I did. They did the regular routine office visit things. I had to pee, weigh in, they took my blood pressure…took it again and asked for me to lay down. So I did. Then the nurse came back in minutes later to check it again. Then Dr. Cueto came in and asked me what had happened this morning. I told him I just felt kinda stressed out, overwhelmed, and described how I had felt I had a panic attack at work. He informed me that my blood pressure had been slowly creeping up with each appointment but this morning it was too high! So we talked for a little bit and he asked if not working was an option for me. I said no, since I had already looked into maternity leave, and such with Human Resources in preparation of your arrival. I knew I was only eligible for short term disability 4 weeks before my due date. He agreed, but then informed me that medical disability was different and could be used at any time if a Dr. see’s fit, and that he was putting me on medical disability effective immediately! Here I am 3 weeks later still getting used to the idea! It has been absolutely JUST WHAT THE DR ORDERED! I am so thankful and grateful that Dr. Cueto cares enough to know his patients and know that being home would be the best thing for me! Time has been flying since I have been home. My parents had their friends Mario and Gloria here from Texas, so I was able to visit with them quite a bit. I have spent a lot of time with Auntie Teresa and your cousins, Ewan, Julia, and William. I have been able to run errands, keep up the house, take care of business all without having to juggle working 40 hours a week like I had before. It has been so helpful to not have to deal with working for E*TRADE, or any of the negativity associated with it.
Moving on…we have grown quite a bit! You are still moving so much! I feel so lucky every time I feel you. I swear I honestly do! It just amazes me, takes my breath away (literally) and makes me laugh to myself quite often! For the past month I would say, I have been getting up 2-4 times a night to go pee! The past couple of weeks (this morning included), I cant seem to fall back to sleep and get up and watch tv in the middle of the night. But today, I was determined to not be lazy and write to you! That and your Daddy and I finally signed up for internet service so I did that for a couple of hours before writing you. Don’t feel bad though. I was doing research on you and your development on line. Chatted with some woman who are also in their 3rd trimester and experiancing some of the same things I am. It was actually quite nice. I have always thought stuff like that was kinda gay (lack of a better word, but I am dilerious so please forgive me), and part of me still does, but it was comforting at 5am in the morning to know that woman across the country and one in Germany, and one in Pakistan, are all experaincing insomnia! J But it’s all good! For example this morning when I woke up at 4 to go pee and to deal with Baby, then crawled back in bed knowing I wouldn’t be falling back asleep anymore…I felt so happy! I layed in bed and watched your Father sleep for a bit. He looks so cute to me sometimes. I mean I love him and he always does, but one cant always pay attention to such things with life happening all around us…but that is what makes moments like this morning so precious to me. To lay there knowing that in a month from now…you could safely be with us. And I will most likely be woken up at 4 (give or take an hour or two) to feed you, or change your diaper, or just to comfort you…and that I wasn’t even that tired. I can do it. I know I can. I look forward to it. But I am doing my best to enjoy the silence of our house and remember it. To appreciate this morning, your father laying there fast asleep unaware of me watching him dream. It just made me smile and want to squeeze him and love him…so I did. I kissed his face a couple of times and felt the warmth of his body and he instinctually cuddle over to me while fast asleep. A few minutes later I decided that it was hopeless and pointless for me to stay in bed, so I got up, made some tea, and have been on the computer since. Of course now, I am getting tired again. Now that it is 6:38am and your fathers alarm clock is about to go off.
I still cant wait to meet you. And although I haven’t written to you as often as I wish I could have…you are with me every second of my day. I adore you. I love you. I pray and dream of you. You are Mommies little angel baby…the light of my life, the love in my heart, the spark in my eye, the dancing of my soul.
Friday, November 1, 2002
Hey Baby Girl. I am so amazed it is November today! I keep waiting for the full shock of that fact to sink in! You are almost here! I had an appointment this week. Your heart sounds so strong, happy and healthy! You are really beginning to stick out now. Your movements have grown from kicks and rolls, to full on, “have I got your attention now?”, jolts of energy. I have read and have been told that from now on it is possible for me to possibly make out a foot or a hand as you stretch out. But I have yet to see that first hand. But every night I try. I sit on the couch with my pants below my tummy and my shirt pulled above and I watch you move around. I am still loving being pregnant. I am going to the rest room quiet regularly again. After the Kings game last (October 29th), I felt Braxton Hicks for the first time. But I do not believe I have experienced them since. I have felt more like a period cramp a couple of times at night in my lower abdomen. But it is always the middle of the night either before or after a bathroom trip. My upper middle thighs no longer feel sore, but my vagina area feels a little bloated and sensitive. The only thing I can compare it to is like when feel really aroused to the point of it almost being too much sensation. That at any moment, the slightest touch could cross the line between pleasure and pain. That may sound horrible, but it isn’t constant. It is usually after I have been on my feet too long, or been running around too much.
I have really negelected doing any form of exercise which bums me out, but I honestly just can not motivate. The feeling of being extremely tired has begun to take its toll on me again. It comes from no where, and I could honestly fall asleep standing up. Which is why when I do have some energy, I take care of business around the house or run errands, because I pretty much know that at any moment, those things may no longer sound any more appealing than a kick boxing class. I was really hoping that I would do my yoga tape more, but I just have not been able to make that a priority. Partly because of my being so sleepy and also because my appetite has increased again. I have to eat first thing in the morning in order to avoid feeling sick from not eating. And then after I eat, I get hit with the sleepies. So I rest for a bit, and then it is time for me to clean up after myself, take a shower, run errands with Auntie Teresa and cousin Ewan, go to the Dr.’s. go to Grandma’s house, etc. So by the time I get back home…..I make dinner, clean up a bit again, eat dinner once your father is home, and then that is it! I feel beyond exhausted all over again. Which brings me to something else. Your father….
I can not begin to stress to you how lucky we are for having your Daddy. He is just awesome. He has been rubbing my feet and legs almost every single night since I have been pregnant. This little nightly ritual has been like meditation for me. Completely loving, sweet rubbing which I know must be helping me from not getting swollen or too many Charlie Horses. He also helps me out without complaining. He usually does the dishes after dinner, refills my drinks for me, helps me get up off the couch, etc. But one of the kindest most precious moments I share with your Father is night time. I generally go to bed before him. When I do he stops what he is doing. Comes into the bedroom, tucks me in, and gives me kisses good night. This little routine provides the sweetest comfort to me and helps me feel safe, warm, fortunate and ready to rest. I hope for you a partner like your Father. Whether or not you chose to have children or not, but especially if you do…I pray they be as kind, gentle, unselfish and loving as your Father. A girl deserves that much. J
Thursday, November 14, 2002
Oh Baby! I am so tired right now but I cant stop thinking which means I cant sleep, so I decided to get up and write to you. We are less than 3 weeks from your due date! I can and I cant believe it. As crazy as it seems to be approaching the beginning of life with you (crazy in a good way by the way), it all still seems surreal. Even as I sit here, with my tummy overwhelmed by you…I still cant imagine what the day or night will be like when I leave home with you still inside of me, and then returning home with you in our arms. But I am ready. I am anxious. I love having you in me. I love feeling you. I love the way you make me feel. But it’s as though nature, my body, life is telling me we are nearing the end of this part of the journey and slowly mentally preparing me for the next chapter by making me physically tired from this one. My energy level is low but I still like to think I am keeping busy and not being too lazy. I am not working out or anything but at this point getting off the couch and walking to the bathroom as often as I do feels as rewarding and challenging as a marathon. Walking around a store without getting to sit down and rest feels like a triathalon and rolling over in bed from one side to the next, is comparable to cross country skiing! Not to mention how bending over or bending down is like carefully balancing a bowling ball between your knees after a couple of cocktails. I am off balance and clumsy. Again, not complaining, just want to try to capture this moment in time so I don’t forget. It actually cracks me up. The whole thing. All I can do is smile to myself or chuckle quietly when I think of me getting to experience this awesome, most precious gift of life.
We have another shower this weekend. My Mom is throwing it. I am looking forward to it. I am hoping I can rally and be energetic and thankful. All along I have been thinking that maybe you would come a couple of weeks early. That my water could break at any time after the shower is over and done with. I pray that is still the case, but after seeing Dr. Cueto yesterday I am not feeling too confideant in my pshcic abilities! You haven’t dropped yet and I honestly haven’t experienced any consistent Braxton Hicks. But he brought up an excellent point…you are exactly where you need to be right now. I know that shouldn’t come across as the most profound statement in the world. It is so obvious and basic. But it hit home. Right now, I feel like I still have control over your safety. I know that you rest, move around, eat well…all within the confindes of my body. But the moment you take your first breath and enter this world out here, I lose some of that control and you lose the shelter of this incubation. Which is glorious because that truly marks the beginning of your amazing life. But it is also symbolic of me having to let go in a sense. Don’t be too frightened of that comment…I promise I don’t think I am going to be too much of a smothering Mom! But, I don’t know. I guess it is kinda hard to articulate so let me try to just say it on a real basic level. In many ways, you are much safer in me then in this outside world. Not that I am supermom and nothing could ever happen to you as long as you are in me, but it is easier for me to protect you along with myself. Once you are out, all I can do is monitor and try to help steer you away from harms way. I know one day when you are much older, I will have to rely on you to do this for yourself completely (which I can already understand will be one of the most difficult things in my life). But that is not what this is really about. As we reach the end or the beginning of this journey I feel the need to reiterate some obvious things to you just in case you do come early and I don’t have an opportunity to put together my closing thoughts. Again, keep in mind I am exhausted right now and kinda delirious so I pray this is somewhat coherent.
Things I want you to remember, know, trust in and believe:
You are very much wanted
You are very much loved
You are very much needed
You are very much celebrated
You were conceived from the truest purest love
We are thrilled to get to know you
We will always stand by you
If there is such a thing as unconditional love, you have ours always
If there isn’t such a thing as unconditional love, there is now and you are its first recipient
We feel honored for having the opportunity to get to watch you live your life from breath one
You are miraculous to us
Believe in yourself
Trust your instincts
Once you discover faith, never lose it…it is the secret to peace of mind (and by this I don’t necessarily mean religion. Faith in life, yourself, the universe, wherever you find “it”, may “it” bless and enrich your life).
Be yourself
Love yourself
Respect yourself
Be kind
Be honest
Be open minded
Most importantly, know with every thing you are, you are a part of your father and me. Just as our blood runs through your veins, know that our hopes and dreams for you fill your spirit.
I can not wait to meet you little one, I’ve already waited all my life. You are a dream come true to me. A perfect reflection of loveliness.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Hey little one. Just wanted to give you an update on your arrival! Monday morning I woke up to diarehha which normally does not make me happy, but I vaguely remembered reading something in one of my many pregnancy books about how that could be a sign of things coming along nicely. I confirmed this fact by checking in the “what to expect when you are expecting book”. I felt fine so I went to go see Frida with Grandma and Grandpa (which by the way was an excellent movie). Afterwards, your Grandparents both had to return items to Costco so I decided to get some shopping done while I was there. But as I walked the aisles, I literally felt the energy leaving my body and I began to feel a little more than just out of it. By the time I got home, and put all the groceries away, I continued to feel fatigued. Along with losing any type of energy I had, I also began to feel nauseaous and dizzy. When Daddy got home I took a shower to try to feel more human again. Instead, I felt myself dry heaving in the shower. It wasn’t pretty. Basically the rest of the night, I was pretty certain that along with Braxton Hicks I had caught some sort of stomach virus and having the two at the same time was not pleasurable. So yesterday morning when I woke up and I took it easy. I felt much better than I had the previous night, but I wanted to make certain that I didn’t push myself. I called my Doctors office and rescheduled this weeks appointment to today (Wednesday) instead of for Friday. I felt a little nervous about how I had felt the night before and thought that moving my appointment up may give me peace of mind. After I made this arrangement I realized I hadn’t been paying attention to your movements at all. So I drank some juice and laid down. I felt nothing. Then I had a bit of chocolate, and I thought I felt something but wasn’t sure. By the time your Daddy got home I was concerned. I explained to him what was going on and he grew very concerned. He went out to the garage and got his most powerful microphone and put it up to my tummy. We couldn’t hear anything. What really scared him was he had no problem picking up his own heartbeat. Then he made the mistake of reading some of “what to expect when you are expecting” and he read about Fetal Distress. After he read this he would not leave me alone and was making me more and more nervous and anxious about feeling something. And then I started to trip out because I thought I would feel something but then I couldn’t be sure if I had or if I had just imagined it because I wanted to feel something so badly. So, we decided to do what most new parents do, go to the ER.
Once we were there we were informed we had to go to labor and delivery. What made matters funny (considering what was going on) was Nathan had to transport me there via wheelchair. Your father was zooming around the halls to the elevator like a race car driver. I think next time I have to be wheeled around in one of those things I will ask for another driver or a seatbelt and helmet. At any rate, we went to Labor and Delivery as instructed. The staff was very helpful and fast (and for some reason all from the South). While they had your Daddy complete paperwork, they full on checked me in (urine sample, hospital gown, bed, and a ton of questions). Everything seemed really real. Candy (one of the southern nurses) then belted on two monitors to my tummy and thankfully we heard your heart beat as strong as a horse. Candy reassured us that we did the right thing by being safe and not sorry. But informed me I had to lay there for at least a half an hour to rest. It turned out that Dr. Cueto was delivering 3 babies there that night, so she was going to check and see if he had time to stop in and pay me a visit. In the meantime, another nurse came in and brought in this woman whose water had broken an hour earlier. I was so envious because I knew she was going to get to stay and meet her baby, while I was being sent home. But her and her family did amuse your Daddy and I as we waited for the half hour to pass. Her boyfriend was drunk outside the room and making a scene and we found out she smoked half a pack of cigarettes a day. Which isn’t funny ha-ha, but it was kinda funny in a sick way. That and the fact that I kept farting the whole time I was in that bed. Your father could not believe it. But I couldn’t even apologize or try to sneak one out because I was just so full of gas that every time I would laugh or try to stop myself one would squeeze out and you should have scene Nathan’s face. It was priceless.
Finally, Candy came back in and informed us Dr. Cueto had just delivered and was checking my monitor. He would be stopping in to say hello shortly. Moments later he did. He made a grand entrance because he was not only my Doctor but the chainsmoker ladies too. He announced that he would check me first since I was leaving. He came over and reassured me that fetal movements drop as the baby gets bigger, but made me feel comfortable and ok by coming in. I explained that I had moved my appointment from Friday to Wednesday. He agreed that, that was a good idea. He then offered to check me (give me a pelvic). I said yes, your father said no. Which was also very funny to me because your father is very entertaining when it comes to Dr. Cueto. I think most fathers are because all of us expecting Mommies love him so much. What I had to explain to your father after the exam was, there is nothing sexual about a pelvic exam. I had not been checked down there since the very beginning of my pregnancy and since your father and I have not been sexually active for more than a month, I have had lots of alone time down there. It was a bit uncomfortable when he examined me. They always use the word pressure, but it is more like a force of energy entering and probing my body. But it was all worth it. We found out that you have dropped! I am 70% effaced and my cervix is nice and thin. I am not dialated, but there is no need for concern about that. Dr. Cueto then informed us that the baby would be here soon. He joked at first and said, “Anytime within the next month or so”, but then after seeing my disbelief and disappointment he said, “actually more like within the week. Probably by Thanksgiving, so come party with me this weekend”…..Oh Dr. Cueto! J
Thursday, November 28, 2002
Happy Thanksgiving Baby girl. You are still not here, but we are trying to be patient and give you time! After all, you aren’t Due until next Wednesday! That is less than a week from now! Your Daddy and I are thinking, maybe you will be late. But I still have a suspicion that it could be some time very soon……could I be right?
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Well little one your due date is tomorrow…however, it appears as though you plan on keeping us waiting! I am going to cut and paste two email announcements I sent out today to friends and family.
Baby Update...
I actually have no new news. I felt the need to share that with you all since I have been receiving phone calls and emails regarding it! The little Diva likes to make people wait (her Mommy included). So, that is what I am doing these days....waiting.
I have an appointment today. Hopefully, there will be some progress. But at this point I am not too hopeful of that since I have been feeling great and had next to none Braxton Hicks. Technically, I am not due til tomorrow, so I am not really late yet....but at this point I stress "yet" because nothing seems to be going on yet! So we will all have to wait and see. In the meantime, think, send, feel, pray labor like thoughts our way. I want to meet this little one so bad!
Mommy2B
AKA: Elisa Kingham
After the appointment I sent out this one:
Baby Update II...
How do I know I am one day going to have the cutest little girl in the entire world? Because she is so gosh darn cute already!
As previously mentioned, my due date is tomorrow. After today's appointment it is not real encouraging that things will happen any time soon. There has been no change for the past 3 weeks. Therefore, an appointment for next Tuesday has been scheduled in the event that I go over (which it appears most likely will be happening). So assuming I make it to next weeks appointment, the Dr and I will then discuss options which I will spare you all the details of.
Believe it or not, I am actually really amused at this point. After being so certain that she would make the Scorpio cutoff and come early......there is a chance she will be closer to Christmas than she is Thanksgiving. No matter what, she will be a Sagittarius, so that is good to know. And I am also really happy to share that Turquoise is not the only birthstone for December!
You all may be thinking I sound crazy in this email, but wouldn't you all be after 40 weeks of sobriety and weight gain? In closing I would just like to say, I vow to keep you all posted on her birth date. Who knows, now that I am sending this out, maybe I will have her before next Tuesday........but, I wouldn't suggest any of your holding your breath! :-)
Ok Baby. This is where we stand now. I will share with you what Dr. Whitting told me today. If I go to next Tuesday, most likely they will begin closely monitoring you that day by giving me a stress test. I guess they just monitor the both of us and make sure we are both healthy and happy. He also mentioned Pitocin and inducing labor next week. After he informed me of what I already knew (that Pitocin is given to bring on contractions and soften the cervix) I informed him that being induced was not something I was interested in at all. Especially since I have read as much as I have about labor and drugs and know the negative side effects Pitocin can have. I mean in some cases I know it is ok and useful. But in my case, since I am not dialated at all and still only 70% effaced, I don’t seem to have a really corroperative birthing system. So Pitocin would literally be a shock to my body and to you. Surprisingly, he agreed with me. There is a higher chance of having to have an emergency C-Section after they induce you, especially if your body wasn’t doing much in the way of preparing for birth like mine seems to be doing. Therefore, if we go til next Tuesday, there is a possibility if my cervix hasn’t changed, we may be able to schedule a C-Section for us.
I keep thinking that now since a C-Section is maybe an option, you will come. I always kinda wanted to have a C-Section since I am pretty fearful of vaginal births. Not that C-Sections are a walk in the park, but in my mind, neither are vaginal births. But at this point we will have to just wait and see what happens between now and next Tuesday. Next Tuesday puts us at December 10th. I keep trying to think of what birthdate would be good for you as far as numerology goes. I think now since I am kinda expecting you to be late, I will go ahead and find out when the full moon is this month. It is so interesting because I was watching a TV News Program and they were doing a story on neonatal care centers and surprisingly enough there are more births on these nights, than any other night of the month. Trippy, huh? Anyways Sugar, you are moving so much ever since your appointment today. I wish I knew when I could expect you, but so far all my intuition has been off! All except my prediction or fear that Renee would have her baby before me! I just got an email from her and she isn’t due until the 15th and she is 75% effaced and 3 cm. dialated! She could go into labor as early as tomorrow…..YOUR DUE DATE! How’s that for ironic!?!
Friday, December 06, 2002
You are STILL not here! But that doesn’t mean we still aren’t excited J
I bought you a gift yesterday. It is wonderful. It is actually for the both of us. I bought it on behalf of your father and I. He loves it too. As soon as you come I will show it to you! (It is a white gold ring with you birthstone in it).
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Today is our appointment. Tomorrow you will be a week late (Not that any one is counting or anything)! Your Auntie Rose Mary just stopped by. She is going to take me to Auntie Teresa’s…will write to you soon…..hopefully we will meet soon!
Hi! It is me again. I am going to cut and paste an email update I just sent out to friends and family regarding today’s appointment.
First of all, I have not had the baby yet but there is still an update!
I had an appointment today and was assured that the baby and I are still doing extremely well. The baby's heart beat is strong and she is surrounded with plenty of fluid to keep her warm and happy for now.
However, the Dr. feels it is time to get the ball rolling. So, on Thursday I am having a non-stress test performed. Then on Friday, I will be examined and given another ultrasound. Regardless of whether or not I have begun to dilate by then, the Dr insists on inducing me on Saturday.
I am not at all stoked about this idea since I have read up plenty on child birth and feel informed enough to know I do not wish for this to happen. But unfortunately, unless my water breaks or my uterus starts contracting all on it's own, it is in the baby's best interest not to let me carry into the 42nd week. Therefore, it is safe to say that unless nature takes place before Saturday, I will finally get to meet this little one sometime on or after Saturday!
I just wanted to give you all a heads up and to thank you for your thoughts and warm wishes. If anything happens naturally between now and Saturday, I will send another update. If not, then you can expect to hear from me sometime next week, once things have settled.
Wish us luck and if you are religious a prayer or two couldn't hurt! If you aren't, then your happy kind thoughts are all good in my book!
Elisa :-)
So there you have it. This is where we stand. As for more detailed information regarding our appointment today…you have definitely dropped. I am measuring at 37 cmm. I have not dilated at all. I am 50 % effaced. My private area, is swollen and my pelvis has opened. It wasn’t too uncomfortable today when Dr. Cueto examined us. I wish he was more sympathetic with my concerns over being induced.
Not only did he examine us, but he also did an ultra sound to ensure there was still plenty of amniotic fluid. Thankfully there was! You are huge by the way! It is so weird that all this time you have just continued to grow. I hadn’t seen you in months I guess, and now you can tell you are a fully formed human baby! The ultra sound looked more like an x-ray! Gosh baby girl, I just cant wait to meet you!
I pray that something happens naturally between now and then, but who knows what will happen! No matter what, at least now I know I will indeed get to finally meet you after all this time…just a matter of days!
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
So today you are officially a week late! You have made a liar out of me! Here I thought you were going to be early. Real cute little one J
Last night after I came home from dinner with friends my vagina was sore and feeling swollen and my legs were hurting me. Then last night, as I tried to shift positions in bed, my legs continued to feel cramping and my knee hurt. Finally this morning after I woke up just before 6am to go pee I decided to just start my day. I got up out of bed tired of feeling sore and tired, and went from my bed to the couch. Around 6:45ish I had to go pee again. So off I went to the bathroom. Out of habit, I glanced down at the toilet paper and finally there was some pink on it! Then I looked down in the toilet and there was some lining or mucous plug particals in there. I called for Nathan who was still sleeping to come and witness what was happening. He was so happy, as was I. We both continued to wake up, take showers and prepare for our day. I had your father drop me off at Auntie Teresa’s this morning so I wouldn’t have to spend the day alone. Unfortunately, there has been no more spotting or discharge in the toilet since. But I am refusing to give up hope that perhaps my body is finally beginning to release small doses of Pitocin naturally. I have had a few Braxton Hicks today and my vagina continues to feel swollen. My pelvic bones feel a bit wider as well. My legs right now are beginning to cramp a lot and my right knee is just not feeling stable. Even if I don’t go into labor naturally, it is reassuring to think that at least my body is somewhat preparing for Saturday. But I am still hopeful.
I prayed last night that you would come. That my body would let go and just go with opening up. Part of me feels as though I am to blame for not dilating on my own. I don’t know if I would have such power or not, but it kinda does make sense to me. For as much as I have wanted to meet you, and thought you would be early, I have always been scared of not knowing whether or not I could handle the actual childbirth experience. Because of this fear, and not wanting to deal with things, maybe I have not allowed my body to accept what is to come. Who knows? But all I can say is, I have been reading my “Spiritual Midwifery” book again, and although those woman are way more “granola” than myself, the birth stories are not only encouraging but inspiring. It makes perfect sense for us to just relax and deal with each contraction or discomfort than to fight it. Because when you fight something, you tense up and make matters worse. So last night, and today I have tried to just ride out the discomforts of the day. For one contraction I felt, I actually tried to be as aware and into it as I could be. Just accept it, try to truly experience it and somehow enjoy it and by doing that, it made me really proud and ready for more when it was over. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any more after that, but maybe God, my body, the universe knows I can only handle so much so is giving me some time to build up a tolerance and an understanding of such things.
I would just love to be on my way to the hospital with your Daddy sometime soon. I just cant imagine how exciting it will feel to have that “it’s time” feeling! I honestly don’t want to be robbed of that experience which is another reason I am hoping you come naturally before Saturday. I mean I realize I am not the first woman to be induced. Auntie Rose Mary was induced with Julia because she was late and not dilating on her own. They even had to break her water. I remember Kim White was induced with Taylor I believe. Auntie Teresa was induced once she was in the hospital to speed up her delivery…and even my Mom was induced with me. I accept that it is something that at times either is needed to be done, or is done to help the process along. But still, I am still hopeful for a spontaneous water breaking. I would love for my body just to go into labor itself. Not to sound all natural because as soon as it gets uncomfortable I will be taking as many drugs as I legally can, but to me that makes perfect sense. Modern Medicine should be used in ways to aid the mother from pain and distress. Not to force our bodies into the journey. Does that make sense? Even with me being a week late today, I can still honestly say I would prefer to have you come at your own time than be induced. But unfortunately, Dr. Cueto is concerned with your size and you being too over due, which I have to have faith in. After all, he is the one with the medical training. But I’ll tell you this much. I think next time, I may switch my medical coverage so I can deliver at either UC Med Center, or Sutter. I get the impression that they are a bit more holistic than Mercy. Go figure, the Catholic Hospital is a little more hard core than the others….what was I thinking!?! J
At any rate, I wanted to share with you how I was watching Oprah today. I don’t know what it is about that woman but I just love her! Anyways, my mind started to drift back to my pregnancy and being late (as it often does), and I began to think over and over (as I always do), “Please come Baby girl. Please come”. Then I thought of how true a thought and statement that is. It’s not just that I want to not be pregnant anymore (Yes, I have finally gotten to that point), but the biggest reason or the most important point in all of this, is you. I simply can’t wait to meet you. In so many ways I already feel as though I know you. But then I realize how that is impossible. I still can’t even imagine what you will look like. Doctor Cueto can estimate that you are probably 8 lbs. now. We know that all your limbs are formed. We can safely guess that you will have a full head of hair (possibly full body of hair too since your Daddy and I are so hairy ourselves). It is almost certain that you will be short (or petite if you will). But beyond that, you are image less. I don’t know whose facial features you will have. What body type you will have. I don’t know if you have any birthmarks or dimples. All I do know is that you are real. You appear to be healthy and ready to be born and each night and day that passes gets harder for me and for your Father too I imagine. Actually, since I had set everyone’s expectations early, there are so many people just waiting to get the phone call to inform them that “it is time”.
I feel so lucky for you. I feel such peace in knowing that you are so wanted and loved by so many wonderful people. I am so thankful that everyone who I love and need in my life is here and will get a chance to meet you. Get the chance to get to know you. It is so strange but I feel such pride in you and that really doesn’t make sense. I mean, it makes sense because I am your Mommy and Mom’s love their children but it goes back to me not knowing a thing about you yet. What could possibly explain my pride? Maybe it is what I imagine about you and for you that fills my heart. Maybe it is because you are a part of me and your father (two of my favorite people!). Or maybe it’s because bonding really does happen from the womb. So, although I have never seen, touched, smelled, felt or held you…I have experienced your movements, your hiccups, your stretches, your growth internally and spiritually. We have shared some of the same space for quite sometime now. So although we have never technically met, it only makes sense that we both have an idea of who the other person is. And that connection, that beautiful natural relationship has only just begun. I love you with all my heart Luna. I know this is your name. This is all it could ever be, it is who you are. Please come meet your Mom!
Friday, December 13, 2002
I had an appointment both yesterday and today. You are doing extremely well. Unfortunately, nature has not kicked in. I have not dilated at all. So, tomorrow morning your father and I are going to go register at 6:45am. We plan to be checked into hospital at 7. Dr. Cueto is going to examine me once again to see if anything has happened since today’s appointment. If it hasn’t, then he plans to insert something into my vagina that softens the cervix. After that kicks in, they plan on putting me on Pitocin. Something I have not wanted to happen all along, but unfortunately, will be something we have no choice on. I am feeling remarkably calm right now (much better than yesterday). I have just been so ready to meet you for so long now that it seems like it is time. Mentally, I am as ready as I will ever be. I just meditate for peace and inner strength. I am a bit nervous, or anxious or uncertain of being strong enough to handle what my body will be experiencing tomorrow. But I have read, thought, prayed on it and am hopeful that by keeping you in mind the entire time, and by just giving into the trip or ride I will be on tomorrow…we will somehow get through it. Like today for example, Dr. Cueto attempted to “scrape membrane”. Which is something Dr.’s do to kinda force or kick start your cervix into opening up a bit. It entailed him basically sticking his fingers deeper inside of me than was comfortable. He warned me that he would be more “forceful” than usual, which of course did not make me happy but I laid back, took a deep breath and just tried to accept this as part of the deal to meet you. Naturally, as he applied more pressure, I scooted away from him. He instructed me that instead of backing away from his fingers, to press down on them. So, once again I mentally prepared, closed my eyes and tried to somehow find safety in the pressure and pressed up against his fingers. Unfortunately, it was an unsuccessful attempt. My cervix would not allow him to even slide a single finger in (how it is supposed to dilate to 10cmm is beyond me!). But Dr. Cueto believes that there is still a 70% chance I could deliver vaginally and since that is best for you and supposively me, that is the route we must take tomorrow.
On a more positive note, this is my last night (hopefully) as a non-Mom! You wont ever know me as anything but a Mom, which is why I hope you one day enjoy reading my journal to you. I am certain by now you have picked up on how very excited, blessed, and earthy I feel about this beautiful bond we have shared. To know that part me and part Nathan is about to be their very own spirit and life, moves me beyond words. Your Father and the love we share is the most awesome connection and love I will ever know on this earth. Our world together is one of friendship, trust, love, laughs, smiles, and complete soul connecting. It keeps both of us going when the world is hard. I think I have mentioned before how your Father and I both used the word “refreshing” to describe our relationship since the very beginning of it. No head games, no dishonesty, no distrust, just kindness. And from that beautiful love we chose to get married, and through our bodies becoming one, science took place and miraculously created and formed you. You! Whoever you are, what ever you will be or dream, your very existence was made possible by and out of our love. And our desire to create and share with the world a little bit of the “us” that makes our lives so livable. To nurture and love just the idea of you to the extent in which we do is probably enough to make others nauseous. But I hope it reminds you of how very special and dear you are to us. How much we welcome you into our lives. It is the weirdest thing, but here I sit pregnant as all hell and I still cant wrap my hands around the idea of you actually becoming a reality. That the next time we come home from the hospital it wont just be your Father and I. It will be the three of us! And on every other weekend and other special nights, the four of us!
A dream of mine is about to come true. We don’t get too many of those in life. At least not as many as we may like. But by you existing and sharing in our world…by being part of this family that I so love and respect, it is as though, all my dreams are about to come true. I couldn’t possibly want or need anything more than to finally hold you and see your little face that I have imagined all my life. And as a Mother, I pray with all my heart that you be your own little person and know that I don’t see you as a possession. More like a gift. And as much as I plan on spoiling you with love and attention, I recognize and respect that although you were created by your father and I, you will always be an individual. Please trust in me that I cant wait to get to know you for who you are. What you feel, what you think, what you dream. And anyway your Father and I can help you nurture or nurish your own true self will be done with unconditional love, pleasure, and support!
So here is to our last night of sharing a body together! I so look forward to the next chapter…your true life!
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Hey Little One. Just wanted to say a quick hello to you before your father and I take off for the hospital. It is 6:30 am and we just couldn’t be more excited. I don’t know when I will get a chance again to sit down and to write to you. I do plan and hope on sharing your birth story with you. I pray that your birthday is today, but it could be a day or two more! Yikes! But right now, I am ready and willing to put the time in because it is time for you to make your entrance. I love you and I hope I can make you proud.
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
Here is an email I sent out.
I am going to keep this short and sweet since I am only at home for a split second here. I just had my staples removed and wanted to drop by home to check on mail, get some more clothes, send this off and then go back to my parents to pump and then go see my beautiful baby girl!
She was born (as most of you know by now) by emergency c-section on Saturday morning at 10:59am. She weighed 8 lbs 3 oz. She is 20 inches long. Her name is Bella Luna! We are all in love with her. I am doing just fine but being separated from my baby has been challenging. But I am thankful that she is getting the medical attention she is in need of and appears to be on the road to recovery. We are hoping she will be released as early as Saturday (her one week old birthday!).
Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. Again, I feel as wonderful as could be, and just knowing that soon she will be home with me, provides the much needed light at the end of the tunnel. I cant express how I feel about my little girl! She is the reason for everything in my life...just like that! She is my world. And every little step towards her being well lifts weight off my heart.
She is eating now! Just loves the stuff! She is off the breathing hood! She has had her umbilical cord IV removed! She is only on one antibiotic! My milk HAS COME IN BIG TIME! She is peeing well! All of the tests they have run have come back perfect! She just needs to be monitored just a little bit longer and then she will finally be home with me and her Daddy!
I have to go now....I miss her and want to leave! Have a Merry Christmas!
I can check my emails from my parents house now if any one wants to respond. Please know I am limiting calls at this point and there will be no visits with baby for quite sometime. I am going to "Hog" her to myself for awhile and I thank you all in advance for understanding!
Finally a Mommy,
Elisa :-)
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
No Guarantees
I am writing this to you now after the fact. You are now here! This little book I put together for you has taken on new meaning to me. By the time you are old enough to read this (or care to read this), you will know that your journey into this world was a challenging one. At least towards the end, or should I say beginning (of your life).
When I think of what the past 11 days have been like I realize that everything in my life has changed. I have often been told that you don’t know what it is like to love like a parent until you become one. I never understood or believed that. I adore my niece Julia, and my nephews William, and Ewan. I love Tyler. How could I possibly love or feel more or differently for someone else only because I gave birth to them? But now I understand that statement. Not that I don’t love Julia, William, Ewan and Tyler. But, the way I feel about you…the way I need for you to be well…the way I worry…the way my thinking patterns have you entwined in all of them…the way my heart grew to accomidate enough love for you and the love is still overflowing…it is different. Even as much as I tried to get across in this pregnancy journal of how excited I was for your arrival. How I couldn’t wait to meet you, how much I loved you already…I never in all my life could have imagined the love I was capable of until I had you. And when I was finally able to hold you…feed you…touch you…when you looked into my eyes for the first time…my life truly was no longer my own, nor was my heart.
I still am unsure if I have completely dealt with how close we came to losing you. Or just how horrible and frightening it was to have you be in the NICU. At the beginning it was more upsetting to me, as a person that they were taking you away from me. That I wouldn’t have a chance for those Hallmark moments in the hospital. I was mad about everything. I fought falling asleep during the C-section. I was angry when they informed me they had to send you to another hospital. It was all surreal and unreal. I don’t think it was until I was released from the hospital and able to see you that it started to really dawn on me that they wouldn’t have sent you there, if you didn’t need to be in there. But still the first day I saw you there I was numb. It wasn’t until Monday, December, 16 that I looked at you and realized that “this was real”. You were the baby I had waited for all those months…all my life…and there you were lying there with a breathing hood on, an IV in your belly button, an IV in your left foot, heart monitors taped to your chest, and different Doctors and Nurses explaining to me how you were doing, what they were doing, what all the machines meant, etc. It was horrible. My self pity of not having the childbirth and memories there after I had always wanted, shifted to fear and sadness. And not only those of my own, but for you. I realized it wasn’t what I was going through, but what was happening to you. That it wasn’t just about me not being able to hold you, kiss you, feel you…you too did not know my touch, my kiss or the comfort of my arms. Not only that, but you were sick. Really sick and this was all real and there was nothing I could do. I was helpless. Helpless to you, the Doctors, fate, God. To a certain extent, actually not just to a certain extent, I still feel the “realness” of of it all.
The past 11 days I have wanted something that is not possible. I have wanted a guarantee that you would be well. That you would live. That you would be ok. That you wouldn’t have any developmental or neurological problems. That your over-all health would be perfect. That you wouldn’t slip away in your sleep. That you wouldn’t be prone to seizures, that you wouldn’t be cross eyed. You name it, I have wanted it. I have made myself sick over not being able to get the peace of mind I have been looking for. And then it hit me. That there really are no guarantees in life. Everything we do, everything we have we risk losing. No one can tell us that everything is going to be ok forever. That things wont ever change. Which is one of the things that makes life so precious I suppose. Not ever knowing when it may slip away.
I am just trying to make sense of all this. Like I said, there are no guarantees. None except this one…I will love you forever. This much I know and you can trust in that, always.
Sunday, December 29, 2002
I don’t have long to type. But I want to get down some dates before I forget them. The first day I really got to see you was December 15th. I didn’t get to stay long at the hospital because I was exhausted and heavily medicated. But thankfully, Dr Cueto agreed to let me out of the hospital just one day after having the C-section. The first time I got to hold you was Monday, December 16th. It was amazing. You were two days old already, and it was the first time I really got to feel you. Tuesday, December 17th was the first time you were aloud to eat from a bottle. Your Daddy and Papa were there. Your Daddy gave you your first bottle. All of these memories seem like a distant dream. I hope I am correct on the dates. Not that it will matter much to you, but because these days were milestones for us. You are now at home with your father and I, fast asleep on the couch. Your Daddy is about to return to work tomorrow and I just had to get in some time before I got to bed and share these times with you. I never want to forget a single moment or have you think that we didn’t care. Although I must admit, everything especially days are being muddled together lately for me. I adore you little angel girl! My little Luna~
Monday, January 13, 2003
Hey baby girl. You are almost a month old! You are napping right now and I am trying to balance some bills, and check on my emails while I can. You had your first pictures taken today. You looked just beautiful. I picked 4 poses, 3 of which you are sound asleep in. Too cute. I have wanted to write to you about what life has been like since you have been home with your father and I as we adjust to nighttime feedings and our new life. But as you can imagine, I don’t have a lot of free time J
We are in LOVE with you. So is your brother Tyler. He has just gotten back from Mexico with his Mother and Poppi. He spent this past weekend with us and he adjusted just perfectly to accepting his role as “big brother”.
I wanted to cut and paste an email message your father just forwarded to me. It is an email he sent to a friend of his regarding your birth. I thought one day you may enjoy reading it. Here it is. I love you so much!
Sugar...
Here is the story that I emailed to my buddy a couple weeks ago...I just re-read it and it brings back the memories. Give Bella Luna a kiss for me, okay?
-----Original Message-----
From: Nathan Kingham
Sent: Monday, December 23, 2002 10:16 AM
To: 'Carey Driscoll'
Subject: My Christmas Angel
Dear Carey -
I am sorry that I haven't emailed you lately - I just looked at the MTMD list and it looks like you all have been having a good time in my absence! :)
There IS a reason for my absence, though, and since you have become a good friend over the past few months I wanted to let you know what's been going on. Hang on, though - this could be a lengthy story...
As you know, my wife Elisa was overdue to have her baby. Her due date was December 4th, and we were starting to get antsy, so her doctor advised us to have her labor 'induced' on Saturday (Dec 14th). We got to the hospital at about 7 a.m. and started to get comfortable. I don't know how familiar you are with the whole labor and delivery process, but it can be a little nervewracking, and it can alternately be a little boring (especially the first part - just a lot of waiting, really). The nurses hooked up the fetal monitors which record the baby's heartbeat and the mother's contractions, started an IV drip, and we all sat back to wait.
It was very peaceful. A baby's heartrate hovers around 160 beats per minute (faster than techno!) and it sounds kinda like a 'whooshing' sound....whsh-whsh-whsh-whsh...it was raining outside the window, it was early morning, we were warm and snug...Elisa and I were happy that our baby girl was finally going to make her arrival...whsh-whsh-whsh-whsh....
And then the heartbeat stopped.
Just stopped. For, like, 2 minutes. Nothing.
We, of course, were freaking out. The nurse was trying to look like 'this happens all the time, nothing to worry about folks,' but I could tell she was concerned. Another nurse came in, and they rang for the doctor. When he came in he immediately had Elisa turn on her side, and put an oxygen mask over her face. This seemed to jumpstart the baby's heart again, and everybody calmed down. The doctor explained that sometimes babies that are 'post-term' (overdue) will grab their own umbilical cord and squeeze it, which cuts their blood supply from mom. "It's okay, though, because they just make themselves pass out, their hand relaxes, and then everything is fine." he told us. I'm thinking "Great. My daughter is not even born yet and she's trying to make herself pass out."
Back to the waiting, but this time it wasn't quite so peaceful. There was an undercurrent of tension that was running between Elisa and I, and the nurse could feel it, too. Everything seemed to be fine, though, so we gradually started to relax. The Pitocin, which is the chemical they use to induce contractions, started to kick in a little, and Elisa began to have very mild contractions. At this point we had been at the hospital maybe 2-1/2 hours...and then all of a sudden, the baby's heartbeat stopped again. This time there was a much faster response by the medical team, and the heartbeat started up again. It was no longer keeping around 160 bpm, though. It was dipping to as low as 60 beats, which is dangerous for an infant...the doctor had dropped the pretense, now, and I could see the tightness around his eyes...I was trying to put on a reassuring face for Elisa, but my chest felt tight and there was a coppery 'fear' kind of taste in my mouth...very, very frightening.
About 10:15 Elisa had her first 'real' contraction. This is what the doctor had been waiting for - he wanted to see how the baby would deal with the stress of the contractions. Turns out, not so well. During the contraction the heartbeat fell again. I was squeezing Elisa's hand and trying to breathe...evidently the doctor had seen enough. He turned and said, "We're doing a C-section, and we're doing it now." It was like a crowd of nurses just materialized out of thin air. I felt like everything and everyone was spinning around me, and I was just sort of there for decoration. I have never in my life felt so helpless and pitiful. For some reason it was easier for me to deal with being the helper in the room, but as soon as they announced that they wanted to operate on my wife I just turned into mush. Nurses were barking out orders to each other (and to me) and doing something to my wife's bed that turned it into a mobile operating unit. "Dad, grab your stuff and follow us!" someone yelled. I grabbed random belongings and followed, feeling useless and clumsy.
Dude. I don't know if you have ever seen a C-Section, but can I just say...YIKES! I was given a surgical gown to put on, a hair cover for my head, a mask, and little slip covers for my shoes. This was where I started to freak out, because all the nurses and the doctor went ahead into the operating room and said, "Put these on - we'll come get you when it's time" so I was alone in a deserted hospital hallway trying to struggle into my costume and thinking about the image of a scalpel sliding across my wife's pregnant belly.
It seemed like an eternity, but it was probably less than two minutes later when the doctor stuck his head out the door and said, "Come on in, Dad." I rushed in and sat by Elisa's side while the doctors did their thing. For some reason, I totally calmed down at that point and was able to watch the whole procedure while holding Elisa's hand. She couldn't see anything, which was a good thing, because at one point the doctor had pulled out some of her insides and set it on her stomach so it would be out of the way...good god. I do NOT need to see that again...and then, all of a sudden, here she came. My daughter, Bella Luna Kingham, came into the world at 10:59 a.m. weighing 8 lbs, 3 ozs, and measuring 20 inches long. From what I could tell she was royally pissed off. :)
And, at this point, I felt that the worst had to be over. Just goes to show you why I'm not a doctor.
Bella had aspirated a substantial amount of meconium. In case you're not totally up on your Neonatal Medical Jargon, allow me to translate. She was full of shit. (I can joke now!)
A baby's first poop is not actually poop - it's this nasty greenish-black substance called meconium ("Mec" if you're a professional). It has the consistency of hot tar - really - and so it kind of flows out of the baby in this thick black pool. It is very sticky. Meconium comes from all the food the baby has taken from mom, through the umbilical cord, and since the digestive system is not working yet, it comes out like a slow-moving lava flow. It really is kind of disturbing to see (I immediately thought of that old classic horror flick "The Blob" - that's what it moved like!). It generally does not come out of the baby until after the baby is born.
Apparently, Bella had expelled quite a bit of this nasty stuff while she was in the womb. With nowhere else to go, the meconium floated around in the uterus until at some point Bella sucked it into her lungs. Of course, in there she wasn't breathing, so it's not so bad at that point. The problem occurred when she came out into the world, took her first breath, and yelled out her displeasure. The meconium in her lungs kept her from getting good breaths, and that's when all the trouble started. The neonatal specialist spent the next two hours sucking this putrid black sludge out of her lungs with a tube, while Elisa wavered in and out of consciousness and I hovered like a moth outside the little nursery.
At about 1 p.m. another doctor came to talk to me in the waiting room. It was totally like on ER, when the doctor has to give bad news to the parents. I felt a very strange disconnect while the doctor was telling me that they needed to transport my daughter to another facility with better equipment, almost like it wasn't happening to me. Definitely some kind of emotional defense mechanism. So, they took Bella to a hospital 20 miles away, while my wife stayed in the first hospital to recover from her C-Section.
(Thanks for your patience, Carey. I am realizing that I have not really told this whole story to anyone, uninterrupted, and it is proving to be kind of therapeutic.)
The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at the second hospital, where Bella was taken, was intimidating to say the least. Security is very tight, so you have to ring a little bell, announce who you are, and then they buzz you in. Then you spend three minutes scrubbing your hands up to the elbow with special hospital soap, and then you are taken directly to your baby. I have to say, the nurses and doctors at the second hospital were AMAZING. They were able to break the fancy terms and lingo down so I could follow along, and they showed an incredible capacity for sensitivity. Not once did I feel like I was in the way. Bella was hooked up to 6 different machines, all making various boops and beeps, with about 10 different sensors and needles stuck into her. Poor little thing! She looked so tiny and defenseless, until I lifted my head and looked around me. The NICU was full, I think there were 21 babies in there, and almost all of them were babies that had been born prematurely. A nurse later told me that they had successfully incubated babies born as early as 22 weeks (which is just crazy to think about), and as small as one pound. Compared to her roommates, Bella was a veritable giant. Immediately I felt a little better. These people obviously knew what they were doing, and they didn't seem concerned about Bella at all.
The next day Elisa checked herself out of the first hospital, very much against doctor's wishes. She basically just said, "You can't keep me away from my baby." and walked out. She's fine, now, by the way.
We were fortunate that Elisa's parents live a mile away from the hospital where Bella was, so we have been staying there for the past week...every day Bella got a little bit better. The only way to treat meconium aspiration is to put the baby on 100% oxygen until the lungs start to do their job the right way. Eventually, the meconium is absorbed into the lung wall, and everything returns to normal...so, Bella's head was under a little plastic tent that was being pumped with 100% oxygen. Every few hours they would reduce the percentage of oxygen in the tent, and see how she responded. And, she responded just fine. After 2 days and nights she was able to come out of the little tent, and we could actually see our baby.
That week is branded into my brain. After a few days the baby was able to start feeding in small amounts, so Elisa started using a breast pump and I would make "milk runs" to the hospital every few hours. Very little sleep was had by me. :) But Bella was gradually recovering, and I was not complaining at all...I will always remember the day that I fed her her first bottle. She was used to sucking on a little pacifier, so she started sucking on the bottle nipple right away. Then her little face froze for a second - she had tasted the milk - and all of a sudden she started sucking like it was going out of STYLE. It was hilarious, touching, moving...
Well, we were able to finally bring her home on Saturday night. WAHOO! It's weird, because she cries a lot (most infants do!), but I can't imagine EVER being frustrated with her crying like some other parents are from time to time. It is just so amazing that she has survived, apparently without any permanent damage (although it is still too early to tell - she freaked me out last night, but that's a different story) that we just cherish every little thing she does. She is our amazing little Christmas gift.
Anyway, that's why I haven't emailed you in a while. I trust you are doing well and that your holidays will be joyous - I know mine are. I am working today, but probably will take off early to prepare for Christmas...thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day - let your loved ones know you care.
Merry Christmas!
- Nathan
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Hey little one…..Just had to write a quick note while you are sleeping to share with you one more thing. We switched you over to Kaiser already. Something I was really hesitant to do. But I must say…I am so happy with your Pediatrician. Her name is Tricia Fox. She is just such a wonderful woman. I can just tell. We went to go see her yesterday. She went ahead and gave you your 2 month check up (even though you are only 6 weeks) while you were in the office and went over your medical history in detail with me. She just seems so thorough. She didn’t rush us at all. She is sincere, kind and genuine. I am so thankful and grateful. She had the lab run some blood work on you and just called back with the results. They were all so wonderful to hear. You no longer need to take Iron drops. You are just .02% below normal. Which means you are just a little bit enimic. Nothing that requires medication at this point! Your kidneys checked out wonderful (something she doubled checked after reading your history). She also checked with a cardiologist regarding your heart and he said there was no need to check on the murmur, or whatever it was that was mentioned in your history. She reassured us that most all babies have this if you check and it goes away as the baby develops and as Dr. Fox knows after just hearing your heart yesterday and mentioning how great it sounded. She also contacted Kaiser NICU, and they will be contacting your father and I for a 6 month follow up appointment that is standard for all infants released from an ICU. I felt like she did what a Dr should do, but in my experience, she went the extra mile. She took a personal interest in you, as I am sure she does for all her patients. But that is what you want your Dr to do. Sometimes Drs make you feel like you don’t know anything, sometimes they look at your like you are crazy or ignorant….but again, she was so kind and the fact that she did all she did, including contacting the ICU after I simply mentioned, did not even ask her to do it, but I mentioned that I was disspointed to have you switch from Mercy to Kaiser because you no longer would be able to go to your 6 month follow up appointment with them…and then she went on ahead on her own, and has arranged for Kaisers ICU to run the tests for you….it just warms my heart. All I want for you is to be healthy and happy. And I feel confidant we have a caring Dr on our side for that! How awesome is that? I am sorry you had to get the blood drawn yesterday. I know you will never remember that…at least I hope you don’t, but it is just so horrible to see your child suffer at any level. I CAN NOT EXPLAIN IT AND YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND UNTIL YOU TOO ARE A PARENT. I hate to say that. It feels so cliché, but it is the truth. I kept wishing they could take my blood instead. And I hate to have blood drawn! I just love you so much Bella. You are precious, and thank God for modern medicine and caring, loving, wonderfully talented and gifted Doctors you are healthy!
Thursday, February 06, 2003
I watched you sleep yesterday; more than usual. I studied your face as you drempt and drifted off into slumber. You make me believe in miracles. My heart aches with love for you. I so hope that we all live a life long and healthy enough to get to know the depths of each others souls. I can’t wait to get to know you more and more as you grow and learn and experience this life.
This early morning after a feeding, I laid awake trying to rest before the day begun but also not being able to control my thoughts that all revolved around you. There is so much I want to express to you. I am afraid if I don’t write it down, you may never know, I may forget and the message will be lost forever.
Knowing what it is like to be a daughter, I can almost guarantee my words will mean very little, or a bit overly dramatic until one day you too (hopefully), become a parent. And I hate saying that. If you are nothing like me, than maybe somehow you will be much more sensitive and in tune with the world and thoughtful enough to truly appreciate on some level the love a parent has for their child. But in my experience…as much as I said I understood or at least tried to understand the sometimes controlling overbearing love of my parents, I didn’t until now. The word controlling, to me sounds so horrible. I hate it. I hate to use it in referring to love. But, in a parental sense…it is one of the only words I can come up with to describe how intense a love I have for you. The more minutes, hours, days, and weeks I spend as a parent, I understand more and more my own parents and feel extremely fortunate for their controlling, overbearing love. I still intend to do somethings different than my own parents, but essentially, I respect and accept that my love for you is as great as theirs for all of us girls.
Your tiny little body. Your sweet intense eyes. The smile that sweeps across your face that paralizes your father and I no matter we are doing. Your raised eye brows. Your arms searching to hold onto my breast as you feed. Your breath. Your head. Your forehead. Your hands, your feet. Your belly. Your back. Your belly button. Your butt. Your vagina. Your arms. Your legs. Your ears. All of you, is precious to me.
The other day I told your father how I was sad because I know we will never have the opportunity to be your friend. Don’t get me wrong. We want to be friends with you as well as your parents. And if we are successful at all at parenting, on some levels we will be friends. But what I meant by that comment was, we wont really ever be your cool friends and that bums me out. Mainly because it isn’t really possible to be both a good parent and someones cool friend at the same time. Which means that there will be parts of you eventually that we will no longer know. And it inst to possess you that I feel the need or desire to know you so well, rather…I just cant help but think you will be an amazing person, and I hate to miss out any part of that.
I know it may seem silly for me to think of such things. Since you aren’t yet 2 months old. Maybe it is natural, or maybe it is just me. I just feel so lucky. And that is scary. I love my life right now. My parents are here and healthy. My sisters have their beautiful families and are healthy. We are all entwined in each others lives. I love life right now…this moment. And that truly frightens me. I enjoy it, but I am aware that one day we will not all be here or be so healthy, so happy. Not to be morbid, just being realistic. And I hope that there is an after life. And that when we all go away one day, we somehow magically end up all together again for eternity. It seems a shame to waste our love on just one life time. It feels like too much for just one life to contain. But just in case, this is it. And this life is all we get…make the most of every moment. Every day we get with one another is a gift that should never be taken for granted. And I am aware that life is not always a bowl of cherries, a walk in the park, easy street (love silly sayings). Often it is tiring, challenging, boring. Escpecially, when you are in school J Or at least when I was…I felt like somethings would never end! But really, every day turns into a week, a month, a year. Holidays begin to run into one another as we plan our lives for the next event. Always look forward to the future, but realize the present is all we truly have. Don’t neglect the now looking towards tomorrow. I plan on practicing what I am preaching here. Which is why, I miss sleep still to watch you sleep.
Friday, February 07, 2003
Here is an email message from your Papa:
Hi Elisa! I pray that you're having a wonderful day with your two
little charges! Cathy and I prayed fervently for you and your family
this morning, and I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you that we
are so impressed with your heart and attitude and actions as a new mommy.
It's a tough challenge to raise little ones in this day and time, and we
are blessed that you are accepting the challenge with such joy and aplomb
and enthusiasm! Your daughter is precious beyond description! And we
are so encouraged by the way your treat Tyler. You are occupying your
roles as mom and step-mom in stellar fashion! Cathy and I love you very
much. I know it was a project to come to Woodland on Wednesday... but it
really MADE OUR DAY! I hope we can do it again very soon. BLessings on
you! I hope you have an awesome day! Love, RON
Monday, March 10, 2003
Friday, March 14, 2003
I have wanted to write to you for so long. I tried on Monday night as you can see, and here it is Friday already and I just now get a chance to say hello.
As usual, there is much on my mind, but I am tired and you are sleeping and a big part of me wants to hurry this up so I can go rest for awhile. So let me tell you what has been on my mind.
Your cousin Ewan was very sick about two weeks ago. He isn’t quite a year old yet and to see him as ill as he was, was heartbreaking to all of us. He was even hospitalized for two nights! Thankfully, he has pulled out of it and doing loads better now. Apparently, it was nothing more than a very serious virus….thank God! But it was a reminder to all of us, just how precious life is.
Just two weeks ago, your father and I found ourselves driving around downtown with you…with nowhere particular to go. We were just out cruising. It is so odd for us to have a free weekend, and there we were…nothing on our agenda…just driving. The weather was perfect outside. Blue sky, warm air, a few friendly clouds in the sky…and us…with no direction, but together. We stopped at a light and your Father said to me, “I love our life”. That simple, yet profound sentence was so “right on”. I too, love our life. It is good. It is beyond good…it is some kind of wonderful! I am so thankful for everything we have. Not monetary wise, but emotionally, spiritually, sensually. We just feel grounded, rooted, stable…right.
It is your 3 month birthday today little one…happy special day to you. Much love to you!
Thursday, March 27, 2003
I have to tell you something. Night before last, you and I were getting ready for bed. We have a bit of a routine now. You usually fall asleep around 7ish in your swing and I just let you hang out in the living room with me until I go to bed around 930-10ish. Well anyways….when I get ready for bed, I turn down the bed, turn on a night light, turn on some relaxing music, bring in some water, a burp cloth and a pacifier (which we never use, but just in case), I brush my teeth, and then I go get you out of swing, and bring you into bed with me. At which point, I nurse you until you fall asleep. I love this little routine. This little dance we have nightly.
Well anyways, you Daddy rarely joins us to sleep at this time, he does however, come to tuck us in (which I just love). So there we were as usual. You and I in bed, cuddling, you facing towards me on your left side to nurse and you are just starring at me. Your Father and I loving watch you in amazement. You were in a particularly sweet mood this evening. At any rate, I made a face at you by sticking my bottom lip out at you. Your eyes grew big and before I had time to pull it back in, you grabbed ahold of my lip. You have been grabbing onto things the past couple of weeks, but never have you reached out, touched and held on to my face before. It was the sweetest thing. And you know your Father and I are obsessed with your cuteness because we both thought it was a big deal. Your little hand couldn’t stop exploring my mouth, lips, gums, tongue and teeth. You seemed amazed to be experiencing all these new things by touch. It was like you were taking little mental notes of how everything felt.
Are you catching on yet as to how much adorable we think you are yet? You are truly an angel right here on earth. Amazingly kind, gentle, cuddly and oh so dear to me.
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
To think that I found out about you one year ago today…just amazes me. Although you are only 3 ½ months…you are so much a part of our lives and have been since April 1, 2002! This date will always be special to me. It is kinda ironic that it happens to be April Fools Day but oh well…whatchugonnado!?!
Happy special anniversary to you baby! A year ago today my life changed magically, drastically for the better.
Monday, April 07, 2003
I have you on my lap right now as I check my emails. I thought I would have you write a quick note yourself:
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Yesterday was your 4 month Birthday! Your Na and I took you to Dr. Fox for your well appointment. You are perfectly healthy (thank God)! You weigh 14 lbs, and are 24 inches long.
Luna….you are beautiful! You were such a good girl for the Dr. After the appointment we had to take you to go get your shots. This time you were much more aware of what was going on and began to scream/cry as soon as the first needle touched your first thigh. I held on to you and put my face right on top of yours and kissed your crying mouth. I cried too. I firmly believe all children should have their vaccines. Anything we can do to help you fight off certain illnesses, but let me tell ya! I feel horrible seeing you in any type of pain, even when it is necessary.
After you were given your shots, we left the office and sat down on a bench right out side the vaccine area. You immediately went for my breast which I just loved. I feel so grateful and fortunate that not only am I a source of nutrition for you but can also provide comfort and security to you. You seemed much happier after you ate a little. I was able to leave you with Na and go to the restroom myself. When I returned from the restroom, Na had you dressed and ready to go.
We then went and met your Auntie/Nina Rosa (Rose Mary) at her car dealership. She had to get her car serviced and since I didn’t have to watch Kara that day, and Na was without Julia and William, we all went out to lunch! We had such a nice visit the 4 of us! You did exceptionally well, especially considering that you had just received like 5 shots less than an hour earlier. We took turns holding you and you as usual were the center of a lot of attention. People just love you! You make many peoples day by simply smiling at them. I hope this is a trait you always possess. The magic of a smile is as sweet as a gift if meant sincerely!
After lunch, we stopped off at the mall and picked up your brother and yours portraits from JcPenney. What a beautiful pair of angels we have!
Gosh Luna…thank you so much for being here! For being you. You are the sweetest Baby I have ever had the pleasure in knowing. When you smile my heart warms with love. I wish for all of us many, many healthy years together. I so want for all of us to be there for you in your life…I pray for the daily! You simply amaze me.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Hi Little One. Today is my birthday. I am thirty years young today! Crazy, huh!?! Well at least it is for me. By the time you read this, I will be much older (God willing). You will probably be thinking to yourself, “I cant imagine Mom ever being that young”. And that is ok. I understand. At least in my own life experience it has always been difficult to completely grasp the concept of “my parents” ever being anything besides “my parents”. I am hoping with you and the relationship I hope to build with you…you will not only just see me as a parent but also as a vibrant individual. A sexual, sensual, independent, strong, sassy woman who happens to be your Mother. Not to say, your Nani isn’t all those things as well. But in all honesty, the relationship I have had with my Mother is a bit more traditional than the one I hope to have with you. Which is why I want to always be completely honest with you.
For example, I have recently been experiencing some anxiety. I have suffered from this in the past, but it seems that probably since you were born it has been sneaking back into my life. I am trying my best to tell the difference between Maternal worries and the actual anxiety. I am being told that part of what I seem to be experiencing is my welcoming into Motherhood. Perhaps it is just that. But I am dealing with it. Your Father is a wonderful source of calm for me. He can usually always provide the comfort, the stability I crave when I feel a bit panicky. I feel as though I am being vague so let me be more direct. I am so very happy right now. Happy doesn’t quite describe the magnitude of sincere bliss I am experiening, but to put it plainly, I am the happiest, luckiest woman right now. That thought, that feeling, is what has me panicked! Which might seem odd, but for me I guess feeling all the love, all the luck that I have in my life right now…is not only a precious gift and time in all our lives, but it is also a bit scary as well. I am so happy that I am afraid of loss. I love life right now. I want it to continue this way forever and I know that it cant. I know I have to deal with this and just appreciate the present, the now. And that is another message I want to deliver to you as I struggle to learn and live it myself. Live each day celebrating that you and your loved ones are here. I know it is next to impossible to love each day with all the ups and downs and challenges that a day can sometimes present. But try not to ever take a single day for granted. Not even a really boring one sitting in a lecture or a meeting all day. Take a mental break on those days and escape into your imagination…into your memory of a happier time and smile and remember.
I suppose I am one of the luckiest humans alive to be at a point in my life that I feel so blessed. So content, so pleased with life that I have something to fear losing. That alone is a gift. But even still, I must learn to deal with the anxious feelings I have been having. I love you so very much Bella. I pray that your Father and I are here for you for years to come. I pray that my sisters, parents, friends, loved ones, are all here and healthy. I want nothing more than to see you develop and grow as a human being. To give you a baby sister and/or brother. To see where you take your life. I don’t want to sound incredibly morbid in this message but this is where my head is right now. Maybe your Dad is right and the fact that I am now thirty has something to do with it….who knows. But oh how I love you Bella. How excited I was to see you roll over for the first time last Saturday. That you smile and laugh with your Father and I now knowingly. I promise for your sake and for my well mental being…that I too will try to live my life the way I hope for you to, and conquer any fears I may experience. Because life is much too short not to enjoy it. God only knows how much I appreciate it.
Monday, April 28, 2003
So here I am…thirty years old and so beyond happy that my birthday weekend has come and gone! I had a really wonderful time actually. On my birthday I went out for champagne and appetizers with Auntie Teresa and Tricia. Then we stopped off at The Fireside and had a couple of more drinks. After that I went with Auntie Teresa to let Gromit (their dog) in for the night (because Uncle Toby was out of town and Auntie and Ewan were staying with us). On the way back to our house, we stopped off at some of Teresa and Toby’s friend’s house. Their names are Kevin and Paige. We ended up staying there until close to midnight! That is so late for me now! But I was having so much fun with my sister. It felt like old, old times. We were dancing in the garage with Paige and acting more like teenagers than grown woman. And although it was a blast, I do realize that it is best not to act like that on a regular basis!
When we got back home your father had put gifts all around the house for me. Each gift came with a riddle which was to be used as a clue to find my next gift. Unfortunately for your Father, all the cocktails I had consumed through out the night made it a bit difficult for me to understand exactly what was going on. But, it was so very thoughtful and kind of your Dad to put the energy into something like that. I hope he realizes how much I love him! Anyways, he gave me a DVD of the Grateful Dead, and a U2 CD, Pink Floyd box set, and the new No Doubt CD. He is just too sweet. Earlier this month I had mentioned to him how I couldn’t believe I didn’t have a U2 CD or Pink Floyd CD because I have always really loved both of them, and then he went and got them for me. Not to mention, I love the Grateful Dead and Gwen Stefani of No Doubt…your Dad is just so very good! I am telling you all of this because I hope that one day, if you are in a committed relationship, your partner is as kind as your Dad. He also sent me flowers earlier that day. Nothing but purple flowers! It was just a wonderful day.
So on Friday morning, I woke up and reminded your Father that he had best get up so he wouldn’t be late for work. He then informed me that he had made arrangements for you to spend the day with my Mother and that we were to go wine tasting in Napa. Again, incredibly romantic man your father is but with the night I had just had I was not so certain if I was up for it! Regardless, we got ready and dropped you off and headed for Napa. On the way we listened to my new CD’s. Again, I felt as though I was going down memory lane. Listening to that music. Having a whole day to do "whatever"! Tripping out on the weather (which was stormy and windy). Again, I felt young…carefree. But knowing that I wasn’t really either anymore, made me smile and appreciate the spontaneity of the moment (not to say that thirty is ancient but...you’ll know what I mean someday).
I requested that instead of us going all the way to Napa with the weather being so horrible we just go to some small town. So we did just that. We ended up in Winters. We drove through it (which took about 5 minutes), and then decided to stop into this little Irish Pub and Coffee House. We ended up staying there for about 4 hours! It was just the perfect place for us to be. It had a fireplace in it (which was lit), a piano in the corner, and one of the friendliest bartenders around. While we stayed there, we chatted it up with him, some of the locals, and the bar owner. Everyone was so full of life and spirit. It was a wonderful experience. A great place to be. We all were so cozy in there while it literally poured. One of the gentlemen we met was a Vietnam Vet. He was quite a character. Pretty charming but also a bit sad. He told us a couple of his war stories. One of which was the one about him getting shot in the head! He even had the scar to prove it (not that we questioned him). He teared up a total of 4 times. But as soon as he would get too melancholy, he would always refer back to him being a poet! He was desperate for your Father and me to stay a bit longer. So much so that he promised to write us a poem. Which he did and here it is:
A Rainy Day in Winters
Here I am in Winters, where else should I be?
Visiting with Nathan and Elisa, so pretty!
Two Flag Susie, so special and so neat
Cares about my health “Just what did you eat?”
The year is two thousand, plus another 3
But I met a beatnik
Kind of wannabe!
Nathan has a goatee,
Old Maynerd would be proud.
But he plays piano, soft, not very loud.
Elisa is so friendly, she even likes my poems
But took a little break from Bella, at Grandma’s home.
You can go to Napa, anytime you want
But meeting Two Flag Susie& the Famous Poet-
Happens only once!
I had such a wonderful birthday…I felt like I had three. First dinner and drinks with my sister, then our trip to Winters, and then on Saturday an actual birthday party at Auntie Rose Mary’s which deserves much praise! Your Father pointed out that I had 3 days to represent each decade I have been alive. All I have to say to that is Thank God that the big birthdays come 10 years spread apart! Because although I had so much fun…I am beat and so very happy to be back into my routine.
I need to wrap this up but I want to brag one more time about your Father. He also bought and surprised me with a Karaoke machine! Which is really geeky, but so much fun for us! I sang until 3 or so in the morning! So I guess I am slowly realizing that age is just a number. It is how you feel, act and look that really matter!
I also missed you alot during this weekend of festivities. Saturday night you actually stayed the night at Grandma’s which was a first! When I finally crawled into bed at 4 in the morning it took awhile for me to fall asleep with out you being there. But I am happy to report, you did really well. You were able to take naps without me and you slept in a crib for the first time all night! You did however refuse to eat from the bottle. So a few short hours after going to bed, I had to go back over to my Moms house to feed you. But that was just fine with me!
Sunday, May 11, 2003 (Happy 1st Mother’s Day to me!)
Luna. Today was a wonderful day. I spent it with my Mother and my Sisters. I know that may sound surprising that we didn’t do anything special today, but you are really too young still to understand Mother’s Day and it was so glorious to spend a day with just my Mom and Sisters.
When I was growing up, your Aunties and I would spend a lot of time with our Mom shopping, gossiping, running errands, etc. Now that we are all married and have families of our own, it is almost impossible for us to spend any alone time together and reconnect to our own personal relationships with one another. That is what made today so special. We were able to be just Sisters and Daughters again. Our Mom was allowed to be just “Our Mom”. There were no tantrums, no sleepy children, no hungry babies, no diapers to be changed. Just three woman shopping with their Mom, as Adults, as “friends”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you know we shopped only for you children and all of you (Julia, William, Ewan, Tyler, and Baby Asby) were always on our minds! But today, for a few hours we were able to browse, take our time, and just “be” without any distractions. With no responsibility beyond ensuring our own enjoyment.
As a Mother (so far), one of the many things I have learned is becoming unselfish. For the most part, this is a very natural transition. Somehow, my true self actually becomes or extends to you now. Your wants, your needs, your happiness, your very spirit is at the front of my mind and fills my heart. Anything and everything I can do for you, I do. No questions asked. Without a doubt, and again, quiet naturally. Like my own Mother wrote today in a card to me, “you are my heart”.
That is what made today such a treat. It was a stolen moment to a precious memory of our lives. A little mental vacation to a safe, loving place that only a Mom can provide for a child. And today, your Grandmother, my Mom, was just our “Mom” again. And your Aunties, were just my “Sisters”. And all of us were the best of friends spending a day together celebrating our togetherness and missing you all.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I don’t have time to write to you personally right now, since you just woke up and are sitting on my lap now. But here is a copy of an email I just wrote to Darren as you were napping:
Bella is doing wonderfully! She is just beyond cute...honestly! I always wanted to have a baby that everyone would fall over and I am so thankful that she is just as sweet as she is pretty but it almost gets embarrassing at times. I can not take her anywhere without everyone who sees her telling me how precious she is. And I am not trying to sound vain. The kid looks nothing like me so I cant be tooting my own horn here in the least. She truly is just plain beautiful and I sincerely it when I say it gets to the point of being embarrassing at times. I mean it is wonderful to receive compliments for her but after awhile I don't know what to say to these people. I just stand there and smile, let them look at her and then thank them but alot of them want to continue talking to me and that part I don't like all the time. I have noticed lately that I am not that much into talking unless I personally feel like it and it is usually only with people like friends and family. I'm not to into striking up conversations with strangers or random people.
Anywho, besides being a cutie, she is developing so fast! She rolls over, grabs things, laughs, dances, tries to sit up, crawls backwards, and eats rice cereal! She is such a good baby Darren. I couldn't ask for more! I am so thankful and grateful for her. I am about to say what I always hated to hear but you just cant imagine how much you can love until you have a baby of your own. I don't know what it is. It's almost painful. Everyday I think I couldn't possibly love her anymore, but then she will look at me, or smile, or grab my finger, just about anything and I just feel as though I could burst!
The past couple of months have been so beautiful and amazing for me that I have had to deal with anxiety over losing it all. I wont get too into it now because I think I am overcoming it now either that or my hormones are leveling out but it was pretty intense. I had such a fear of something happening. I never thought I was the type to fear death, but having Bella has made me worship life itself. It is a miracle that we are all here and healthy still and that fact got me worried senseless. Things just seem too good to be true. Every once in awhile these thoughts reenter my thinking pattern and I work through them. I try to be thankful for having a life I consider so full of love and hope, I fear losing any part of it. Alot of Moms tried to explain to me that these feelings are just part of becoming a Mom. That they never truly ever go away...you just learn to live appreciating life every single moment you have because none of it is promised or guaranteed. I am not trying to sound morbid or overly dramatic but I am serious Darren...I am just in love with my life. I am in love beyond words with Bella, Nathan and I are such a fantastic team, I adore Tyler, and my sisters and their families are here, my parents are healthy and doing well...and I so appreciate and savor these memories we are making, this life we are experiencing. I pray that you live this way too! I so wish all of this for you. I am so happy to hear that you enjoy your job and about your promotion. I think of you and San Diego and I think what a great match. I am excited for you and the possibilities your life has to offer.
Bella just woke up....she is sitting on my lap in her tye-dyed onesie watching me trying to type with one hand! I best be going now. It was nice finally making the time to email with you...I miss you and think of you often. Please take care and keep in touch.
Monday, June 09, 2003
Bella. You have grown so much! I marvel in your growth! You have gone swimming, you crawl backwards, you can sit on your own, you grab for everything and you are so ready to crawl forwards! You can sleep on your own now. You still sleep at night with your father and I. But you take all your naps in your crib. I can put you down while you are still awake and you settle on down for a nice nap. It is just wonderful. Granted, I tend to put you down when you are exhausted but whatever works! You are asleep right now. You really fought a nap today. But I just went and checked on you and your laying on your tummy, butt up in the air and I just had to come write to you! Your father and I still cant (and probably never will) get over how adorable you are. The way you smile and tilt you head. The way you giggle, chuckle, and laugh louder than any child we have ever seen! Your determination…it is truly a pleasure for me to spend my days with you. I never get tired of being your Mom.
Monday, June 16, 2003
This past Saturday you turned 6 months old! I still can’t believe it. Time has flown by. Well, I guess in some ways it has. It just amazes me Bella. Last night when we were laying in bed, I would look at you (as I often do) and your little face is beginning to look less like an infant. You are morphing into the most precious child I have ever seen. Your features are angelic and doll like. I have studied your little face and it is forever in my mind. I cant get over my love for you.
The past couple of weeks you have really started saying, “mommmmmmommmmomomomomo”. I know you don’t mean “mom” yet, but it just makes my heart sing to hear you say it.
You notice so much now also. If you get eye contact with anyone as you are trying to sleep….it is all over. You know now to work it so you will be picked up immediately. You are so tuned in. You have noticed and try to grab the rainbows that the prism in your window casts throughout your room. I watched you the other day playing in your crib moving your hand back into and then out of the rainbow on the fitted sheet below you. Then another day, as I was changing your diaper on the changing table, the curtains were closed behind you. But there was a ray of sunlight shining through and you noticed the dust particles flying around you. You reached your arms up into this ray of light above your head and swayed your arms around in the warmth, smiling at specks and particles.
On 6/12 (last Thursday), I felt as though you must be talking with angels. The whole day you kept staring off into space but you most definetly were smiling and talking with something that my eyes could not see. You did this all day. For some reason the thought came into my mind that you must be seeing some little angels or fairies that I am unable to see. I have a theory that before babies comes to earth, they are in another place full of angles and fairies. And then when babies are born, the babies get to play with their angel friends in their sleep. Which is why we see little smiles and coo’s from infants during sleep. So the other day when I felt like something must be going on in the room that my eyes couldn’t see…I thought maybe they had come to see you one last time before you turned 6 months old. That maybe it would be the last time you could see them with your human eyes. Because I do believe Guardian Angles are always with us, but as we get older, we just cant see them like we could as children. At any rate, I announced out loud to the Angels that I promised to always take care of you. I don’t know…I hope I am not driving you crazy. But I want you to believe…I want you to have faith in things you cant see Bella. Question things all you want. That is what our minds are for. But listen closest to your heart, for the heart is the mind of our souls!
July 1, 2003, Tuesday
Hello Little One! You are taking a little nap right now and I am hoping you stay down a bit longer so I can write to you and also so you can rest. This past Sunday (June 29th) you started to crawl. You had been doing a bit of moving around for about a month now but you finally started to really go for it this Sunday. I was asleep when it happened but your Father was there. You can imagine my surprise when you were crawling yesterday morning like an old pro. I called you Dad at work to see if you had started on Sunday and he informed me that you had but he wasn’t going to tell me because he knew I would be disappointed for having missed it!
Gosh Bella. You are by far the cutest little angel Baby ever. Your personality is really coming through. You Father and I just love to watch you. We cant wait to see what you are going to do next. We are both thinking that you are going to be very adventurist. Like you wont want to just take someones word for anything. You are really going to want to experience things all on your own.
Today is your Brothers birthday. This past weekend we had a celebration for him down the street at our neighborhood park. We all had such a great time. Your Father and I just love to see you and Tyler together. Although you don’t get to spend nearly enough time with him, it is as though you know exactly who he is and just love him! You can hardly take your eyes off of him when he comes to visit. You study him. You laugh uncontroably when he sits next to you in the car. On Saturday night he came to bed with you and I and it was truly a beautiful thing to see you both cuddled up next to one another. I love my family more than words could ever describe.
We have had some crazy news lately. It appears that our little home by the railroad tracks will not be our home much longer. Our landlord Berry informed us a few days ago that he is going to be selling the place. Since we are currently living in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Sacramento, we are almost positive that we will no longer be able to afford to stay here once the ownership of the property changes.
The past month or so we had started looking for a home again. Unfortunatly, we have found nothing that we are interested. Therefore, we are truly in a state of not knowing exactly what will be happening with our living situation.
I feel at peace with the change that is coming. Life is all about constant change. And I truly feel as though our time here has been coming to end for sometime. So the past couple of months have really just been bonus months in our happy little home together. But it is time to move on.
Since I don’t want to jump into anything I am hoping we take time in deciding what we want to do next. Nani and Grandpapa have offered for us to stay with them. Auntie Rose Mary and Uncle Curtis have also offered their home to us. I am really thinking we should take one of them up on their offer. I think it would work out wonderfully for all of us to save some money, and take the extra time we need to find a new home.
I want so desperately to find a place that is safe, clean and sweet. Somewhere we can put our love into and call our own. I’m afraid we don’t have much money to buy a mansion, but as long as we are all healthy and together, we will have all we ever need to make life worth living.
So that is what is going on in our grown up life right now. Your smile inspires us to continue to strive for more and to be able to provide you with as much as we can. And the love in your eyes reminds us that as long as we love you, you are truly happy.
July 10, 2003, Thursday
Just wanted to let you know that you are freaking me out! Yesterday you pulled yourself up for the first time. Since then, you haven’t stopped. It is like your newest little trick. You pull yourself up on me, or anything that is close to you. It is the craziest thing. For awhile now, you have tried to get up from a sitting position on your own. You also do the monkey crawl. But it is just insane to see a 6 month old baby so determined. It just cracks me up.
You also initiate a game of PeeK-A-Boo yourself. You will pull a blanket over your face and wait for us to say, “Where’s Bella?”. At which point you yank the blanket down exposing your face. Your Father was especially impressed with this trick.
As a result of all of your growth you got your first (of which I am afraid there may be several) fat lip! I don’t know exactly how it happened but you hit your face and mouth area on the hard wood floor. I was putting Jonathan in the highchair and all the sudden I heard a thump and cry. Please don’t think I am a horrible Mom. It was one of those things that really could have happened if I was sitting there right next to you. You actually hit your head and face a lot on the hard wood floors. Sometimes you don’t even cry, it is as though it doesn’t even phase you. This morning however, it definetly did. I nursed you and you calmed down for the most part but you still were pretty upset. Finally you started playing again and it was when I was watching you play that I noticed your top lip was sticking out. So I picked you up and you tilted your neck back exposing your top fat lip! It was the saddest thing. I hadn’t realized that you had fallen on your mouth until then. I feel really horrible for you because I think your are teething right now so that must have really hurt!
Regardless, you are a trooper. All day today you have fought a nap and wanted to continue climbing, standing, exploring…my little Sagitarius!
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
I love you.
Saturday, August 02, 2003
FIG TREE (Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed,independent, does
not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and
animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness
and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I simply must tell you that your Father and I just bought a home for us! We found out our offer was accepted on Friday, August 8, 2003. I am sorry I didn’t keep you abreast of all the details as they unraveled but, we honestly did not think we were going to get it.
We had been halfheartedly looking. Ever since we found out that Barry (our current Landlord) was planning on selling the duplex we rent from him. We were pretty discouraged and had pretty much agree to accept the fact that we would have to continue being “renters”.
Well on Thursday, August 31, I ran an errand with my Mother. It just so happened that I had that day off so we only had Bella and William with us. At any rate, we were driving in Rancho Cordova and passed by two homes for sale. Just for kicks, I wrote down both both phone numbers. Once I got back to my Mom’s house I called on both properties. The first one was being sold privately and the second through a Realtor. Well when I called on the second house I was informed that the property was pending sale. Marcia (the realtor) informed me that the asking price was $240k but that the pending sale was for $265k! She then inquired if that was my price range, so I informed her that it was not. For some reason we continued talking and I just felt compelled to share with her how we had you, and I was staying home and how we had already dealt with the fact that we would continue being renters…that we were ok with that. Because for starters, I got to be home with you and secondly because the market was just too inflated for us. Marcia was so kind. Through the course of our conversation she agreed that in today’s market we were pretty much without any other choice but then she encouraged me not give up hope entirely. She shared that when she was first married and a new Mom, it took time before things worked out for them. But she wished for me to not give up and to believe that one day things would work out. She then asked if we would consider a Condo. I said yes.
One day when you are dealing with people in sales you will understand why her compassion and her continued interest in conversation with me, meant so much to me. It was rare. It is rare to find someone who cares enough to take that extra step or steps for people who cant repay them. I instantly liked her. She asked for my name and number. When we got off the phone she cautioned me not to expect anything besides a phone call back to tell me that she couldn’t find anything. I told her that I understood, thanked her for her time, and quite honestly did not expect to hear back from her. Well surprisingly enough I did! The very next day! It was even funnier because when she called to tell me about the condo that had just fallen out of escrow she asked for the first time, “what area are you looking in”! Thankfully again, Fair Oaks was sort of an ideal location for us. Not that we had looked their earlier but that was due to the fact that we had previously been looking at homes in the outskirts of Sacramento. Fair Oaks was really too expensive of an area for us to even waste our time in.
Anyways, I had told Nathan all about Marcia on Thursday night. So when she called back on Friday to tell me about the Condo, I immediately called Nathan at work. To my shock, your father agreed to go look at the condo Saturday morning with me. So, Saturday morning we did just that. You, your Father and I went off to look at the place we now plan to call home! Now let me tell you one more thing. When we went, and we originally drive past it while we were searching for it, I was not at all impressed with! It has ZERO curb appeal! I immediately felt disappointed, told Nathan there was “no way” I would consider, but we still met up with Marcia out of respect for her coming out that Saturday morning.
Once we met up with Marcia in the parking lot, she walked us to the unit. Once she opened the door and I entered the place I remember thinking to myself, “this is actually kinda nice”. As I walked through it further, I started thinking, “I cant believe it but I actually like this place….look at the size of the rooms, and how clean it is!”. I was shocked to see that inside this shake roof building I found a place I was easily considering home.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Just a quick note to you, you have 3 teeth now! You are also so close to walking it is crazy. You waive. You say Momma, Dadda, bye-bye. You are my pride and joy. I cant get over you. You dance to music. You respond big time to a Gap commercial with Madonna in it. It just cracks me up to watch you. This week you caught your first cold. And you are being such a trooper considering that you teething right now. And yesterday, I took you to your NICU follow up appointment. We saw a physical therapist, a doctor and a social worker. All of whom said you appear to be healthy, thriving and right where you need to be. I best get back in the living room to watch in your amazement some more. You are my everything little one. I simply adore you.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Hey little one. Here is a copy of an email I shared with your Papa. Here is his message to me:
Hi Sweet Daughter-in-love: Yes, I will be most blessed to help you guys
make the big move. Lord willing, I'll plan to come down early on the
morning of the 13th. I'll bring my truck and little trailer and my happy
strong arms to load the goodies! I'll also bring a smile and a chuckle
as I enjoy seeing my offspring settle into their own little nest. It
will be fun. See you on Saturday. Love, RON
Here is my response:
Thank you for such a sweet response. I actually read this the other night, but I didn't respond to it then since I had no idea what was going to be happening with the house. Thankfully, it looks like everything is moving forward and that this dream of ours will soon become a reality....largely because of you and Cathy!
Ron, I can’t even begin to attempt to explain or describe how blessed I feel to have you and Cathy as my in-laws. Not because you have helped us out financially, but because you both are so honest and true. I have honestly never met any other people in my life as kind as you. I admire your compassion for other people and the knowledge in your eyes.
When I first met Nathan I had a hard time believing in him. Not for reasons you might think, but because when I met him I saw the man you raised. Not the rebellious wanderer. But the man. A loving father to his son Tyler. A dedicated employee. A talented musician. Someone I felt safe with. He seemed to me to be too good to be true. Even with so much against him. I loved him with all my heart from the moment I met him. I followed and trusted in my heart.
When I first met you and Cathy, I had difficulty believing that two people that lived in modern day society could be so pure. So untouched, untainted, unhardened or bitter or untrusting. You truly do have such a welcoming, open armed presence that at first made me cautious. But then it made sense to me why I saw all those lovely qualities in Nathan that weren't so apparent from the outside looking in. It was and is because of you and Cathy that Nathan is the man I am so proud to call my husband. I adore everything about him. And I know that he can be difficult at times. But his heart is as pure as gold and I owe you everything I have for that.
I look forward to every day I get to be with Nathan, Tyler and Bella. And although a home does not make a family, I feel so proud and honored to soon have a place that will truly be ours.
So thank you so much for sharing in our excitement and again for your love and support!
Love your daughter-in-love
Elisa :-)
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Hey Baby Girl. Gosh….I have wanted to write to you so desperately lately. As usual, I love you. Right now you are sleeping. It is late and I am busy trying to do much at once. Let me just start off by saying….you amaze me. You walk, you try to run, you try to sing, let alone talk. You are brilliant to me! But more importantly, you are sweet. You smile at me and you mean it and there is no better feeling in the world. You are my everything. And although you may know it and kind of work it, I don’t care. I adore you and I know that this fascination you have with me wont last forever, but boy do you love me so very much right now. When you look at me, I can see I am your world. And as long as I am that, even after actually, I will do everything I can to make it lovely for you.
Friday, October 17, 2003
You are sound asleep right now. Jonathan has been picked up early and Kara is napping as well. I have a much needed break in the middle of my day here. I feel just horrible that I don’t get an opportunity to write to you as often as I used to. It is so hard for me to find some time for myself! Not in a bad way either. By the time I have time to sit down, I usually decide to talk with your father, or relax and watch tv (while doing laundry of course). At any rate, your Auntie Rose Mary is about to have her 3rd baby any day now. I wish it would happen this weekend, but I have learned with births, you really cant plan them! As far as you are concerned, you are truly thriving. You are into everything. You really are much more like a toddler than an infant. You play with your cousin Ewan (1 ½ years) and Jonathan (2 years), more than you do Kara (who is two days older than you). You also are not the least bit intimidated by playing with Julia (4 years) or your cousin William (2 ½ years). Unfortunatly, you don’t spend nearly enough time with your Brother as I had hoped you would. I am still hopeful that one day you will, but at times I cant help be doubtful. Regardless, fortunately for us and for you, your Brother has amazing character. I have faith that as he grows he will have the courage to do what is fair since the adults in his life continue to fail him in this area. On a much happier note, I cant believe you are 10 months! I mean I can, and I cant, all at the same time. You are almost a year old but act like you are going on 3! Yet, at times it seems like only yesterday we brought you home. What an amazing time we have been blessed with…I pray that we all have years of good health and memories to come. I adore your everything!
Friday, October 24, 2003
I feel like there is so much I have wanted to tell you lately. We will be playing, singing, talking, eating, bathing, driving… just about everything you do and I get to witness I feel grateful for. I continue to be in awe of you.
You play so well. Alone and with others. I love to see how you interact and take control and care of yourself.
When I sing to you lately, you honestly sing along with me. Not with words obviously, but with notes and it just kills me. That is a dream come true to me. One I was unaware of. But when you sing along with me and I hold you close to my chest I know there is a heaven. You also let me know what song you want by saying, “Baaa”, for “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep”, or if you just start clapping you either want “Old Mc Donald”, or “Patty Cake”. When you start dancing to no music and babbling you want to hear the “Bella Luna Song”.
You talk up a storm. You say, “Ma, Da, bye, up, hi, bear”. But you babble pretty much nonstop. When I took you to your 10 month appointment today, Dr. Fox was so impressed with your verbal skills. Right after she asked me if you knew certain words, you starting waving to her and saying, “by”. It was impeccable timing, and we both had a good laugh. But you were just getting started. Through the length of our visit, she from time to time would take special note of how you were continuing to have a conversation all on your very own the entire time. Another example of your comprehension is, just yesterday I was repeatidly asking Jonathan if he was hungry. From the other room I heard a “yeah, yeah”, and out of the living room into the dining room over to your high chair you walked and started taping on it. I was so impressed!
Watching you eat and what you eat is a bust! Just last Saturday we were over and Auntie Rose Mary’s and Curt’s. You ate an entire hot dog! We cut it up really well for you of course but an entire hot dog seems like an awful lot for such a tiny girl! And this morning at breakfast you had a breakfast bar and some Cheerios. When my breakfast was ready, you not only ate some of my bacon, but some of Williams pancake and sausage as well. You were so very happy! It makes me so proud of you for being such a healthy not picky eater.
You love bath time! One time we were over at Auntie Teresa’s and Ewan was getting bathed in the tub. Well, you walked right over to the tub and started lifting up a leg as if you were just going to jump right in. You are so lucky because we let you. So far you have bathed with both cousin Ewan and William. Julia is desperate to bathe with you, but since she is getting to be such a big girl now, we have asked her to hold off until we have the time for her to really enjoy it (since bathing the other two and yourself isn’t that time consuming).
Being in the car with you is still a treat. Maybe now, more than ever. Before, I was such a nervous Mom with you in the beginning. And although it can still be a bit scary on the road, I for the most part have adapted to being a driving Mother! But anyways, my point here is you are so funny in the car! If there is another kid back there with you, you are laughing almost the entire time. If there isn’t anyone but your Father and I, you sing, talk or demand we do both for your amusement until you fall asleep. In two more months you get to face forward in your car seat and I am so excited for you! I know you will love this view.
I could go on and on (as you can see), but the last thing I want to mention to you tonight is after your exam I had to take you to get your shots, to the Pharmacy, and then to the Lab to get some blood drawn. Now that it has been a couple of hours and I am bit more removed from it, I can explain briefly and rationally that, that experience was by far the most painful of my life. I mean, I know you were in the NICU for a week and got poked and prodded a gazillion times. And even when you were 3 months (I think, or maybe it was 1 month), I took you in for a check up and your had to get blood drawn then also. But this time, with you being as advanced with your devolpment as you are….it was tramatic for me. Not only did they take blood from you, but they had difficulty. At first you tightened up too much. Then they tried the other arm. And then they returned to the original arm. By the 3rd time I was no longer holding you, a technician was and the entire time from the moment they first attempted to do this you were beat red and screaming your head off. At first I tried to be strong for you. I held you close and tight and repeated in your ear over and over, “its ok baby. They are almost done. They just want to make sure everything is ok. I know it hurts, but just for a minute. Please Baby. Don’t Cry. Mommy loves you…shhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh….it’s ok…..I know, I’m sorry…I love you”, etc. But after they informed me the first attempt was shot, and then the second….somewhere during that time, my heart broke for you and I started to cry. I felt like such a dork to the outside world, but I didn’t care. I was so sorry you were hurting and/or scared and it made my heart, chest whatever, physically ache.
Obviously, in retrospect, it was not a huge ordeal. Thank God you are not an ill child. I am so grateful for your health and realized it the entire time that this little blood being drawn scene was going on. But even still… just that much discomfort. Just that much pain…was torture on me to see you experience. When they were all done and we finally left, you were so fine. As soon as I held you again, you stopped crying and just clung to me. I was the idiot in the Lab facing a room full of people with my face flush and tears sneaking down my face….I couldn’t be strong. Not in that way at least.
On the drive home I felt relieved that you weren’t crying. You had somehow magically gotten over what appeared to be torture just minutes before. You were babbling away as I sat at an intersection. And I just thought to myself that there is a strong possibility that one day you may chose to have a child and they may react to a test similar to the way you did. Until then you can of course only imagine the bond a woman, a Mother feels for her child. It is a painfully tender precious love. It is stronger than any weakness you may feel. My love for you is me. I am no longer myself. I am your Mother. I live for you. Don’t get my wrong, I love your Father and my family, but it is different. The love a mother has for her child is not comparable to anything else on this earth. I got semi irritated with your Father on the way home over it. I thought to myself while it was all going on how he wasn’t even there. And to no fault of his own. He was at work. And actually he had planned on going last week when the appointment was originally scheduled, but then it got cancelled and postponed for today. But then I thought, he doesn’t hear you. Do you know that? He doesn’t hear you when you cry some times. I mean, sometimes he does. But for the most part, he sleeps right through it. And then I had an epiphany. It’s because he is a man. And that is not meant in a negative way in the least. It is just that. Perhaps because you grew inside of me. And you ate what I ate. You drank what I drank. You breathed my air. From the moment your cells began dividing until you were born, you were quite literally a part of me. And although you have been outside my womb for 10 months, its as though there is an invisible to the eye umbilical cord that remains. There is a tie that can not and will not be broken. Just like I felt you kick and swim inside my tummy all those months ago. Today, I felt your pain. Your uncertainty of what was going on in your world and to your body, and it was more unbearable than any pain I have every experienced of my own. And yet, instead of being a negative horrible trait…I mean I know it probably doesn’t sound that appealing of a thing to have….it is a gift from God Bella. Because of this ability, this connection, you will never be alone. You will always have me to bear the brunt of your pain. And I am thankful and blessed for that. I would wish for no one else to be that for you.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!
I have to share this with you. I just now got an email from a girl I went to Jr. High School with. Our 8th grade science teacher (who we all had a crush on) wants to get together for a mini reunion of his first class this holiday season. I am in shock. In the email Melissa mentions and addresses many people who are included in the email by name. I just sat there in disbelief and awe. As trippy as it is, it is also really wonderful to be included in that email. I really did a lot of growing during Jr. High. And Mr. Traversi meant so much to me. And most of the people included in that email used to be so important to me in my life. Where as now…I haven’t thought of a single one for years. And here it is your birthday, and I get this email reminding me that I once was very young! J
I cant help but think that I received this email for a reason. To perhaps share this un-original thought with you…time flies when you are having fun!
This past year has been the most meaningful and purposeful of my existence. Actually, the past couple of years now (since I carried you for 10 months before you were actually “born”) have been richly blessed!
Yesterday we celebrated your birthday. We had an intimate birthday celebration with just family and a few close friends. You looked like an angel. Typical of most toddler birthdays, you were in an unpleasant mood for most of the day. Even still, I couldn’t have been prouder.
Your father and I watched you play with your newest toys today. You are so curious. You play so well independently. You have a couple of play phones that you hold up to your ear and say hello and goodbye into. You now talk (or babble) to yourself as you discover and venture out on your own imaginative play. The whole time I watch you, I love you with every part of my being.
Tonight, your father had to go into work to work some overtime. So we ran some errands. When we returned home I let you stay up a little later than usual since it was your birthday and your daddy wasn’t here to tuck you in. Your Auntie Rose Mary gave you this little bear for your birthday that sings a song in English and another in Spanish. You are really drawn to this bear right now. You haven’t quite figured out how to activate the music so you kept bringing it over to me. Every time the song would play your face would light up. You would take the bear in your tiny hands and begin to dance in circles with him.
It amazes me to witness your development. A year ago today, you had just been transported to another hospital. Your Father and Noni went to go see you and my whole family had already left to go home. And I laid there in my hospital bed, alone. Your father and I have been remembering this time of year a lot lately. And we both agree that it seems as though it wasn’t just a year ago, but then again it does. So much has happened this past year. You have grown into this incredibly strong, independant, strong willed, strong minded, physically active child. You walk, run, climb, sing, speak and comprehend so much. And yet in some ways, it seems as though all I have done is blink my eyes from last Christmas time to this and here we are. As if this year passed like no other. By getting that email that I received this evening I am reminded that it didn’t. Time simply does manage to go by as we are all so busy living day to day, week to week, month to month. And again, I am reminded how blessed, charmed and lucky I feel for this past year with you. I so look forward to this New Year for not just myself and your father, but for you. It has been an honor, a pleasure and the most beautiful joy to watch you this past year. Your life is simply a dance. Happy First Birthday Baby Girl.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Just wanted to let you know that you sleep with not just one but two pillows now! You just started this weekend when we were visiting Noni and Pappa in Oroville.
Monday, January 05, 2004
You are all over the place. You talk so much. You LOVE shoes. Especially a pair of Power Puff Girl tennis shoes. You are always asking, “what’s this” or “what’s that”. You also purposely give hugs now. Tons of open mouth kisses and love to dance. You sing a lot in the car. You are my heart.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
You also say Fish. You have for sometime now and it bothered me that I failed to mention that yesterday. You are so smart…and beautiful…and talented…you are the reason the term, “triple threat” was thought of! The world ain’t seen nothin’ yet! J
Friday, January 16, 2004
I had to let you know a couple of things. Last Thursday, you told me “no” for the first time and meant it. I was bathing you in the kitchen sink (our daily routine) and when it was time for you to get out…I guess you had other plans. I said to you, “time to get out. Stand up”. You looked right at me and not only said no but shook your head from side to side just in case I was hard of hearing! I said, “excuse me. What did you just say to me?”. You then began to babble very matter of factly and at the end of your explanation you said “No” crystal clear again! It cracked me up and frightened me. “No” at 13 months…..not a good sign! Well ever since then, you have felt free to say it pretty much every time bath time is over. There was something else, but I have forgotten….I am sure I will remember just before I am about to fall asleep…..I will have to fill you in later J
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
You have been cracking me up still. Lately, you have taken to being completely over the top DRAMATIC! When you laugh, you throw your head back, cup your mouth with both hands, squint your eyes and act real embarrassed. You even bury your head in the closest peace of furniture……but you love the attention. You also have become a really large fan of your belly button. If you can get to your belly button in the outfit you are wearing, you will quickly pull your dress or shirt up and proudly display your belly to anyone who cares to look and stick your finger in your belly button. I just love it. You also have rediscovered your toes. You seem to pay special close attention to them when you are being changed or in the high chair. This latest fascination wouldn’t bother me so much but it means that if you are wearing only socks, you are yanking them off to free your toes….which is not my favorite thing. You also have had a bit of a cold the past couple of days and your Aunt Teresa and cousin Ewan just so happen to be spending some time with us right now while their house is being renovated. So your father and I have been sleeping on the floor of your bedroom on an inflatable Queen mattress. You have had some restless nights, which means we have as well. But even though it has been a bit tiring…when I wake up in the middle of the night and you are laying next to me fast asleep…I still can’t believe how lucky I am to be your Mother. You fascinate me!
Monday, February 16, 2004
You are now 14 months old! You just started trying to say your name. It is the cutest thing. You say it by sticking your tongue out to your lower lip and pronounce it, “Bethlla”. You amaze me. Just today you tried to put on your own shoe again. You love picking out your own clothes and shoes to wear. Every time I put you in your crib and you aren’t ready to sleep yet, you throw all the pillows, blankets and stuffed animals onto the floor. This has not been so cute. But the other day when we went up to your room to put you down, you kneeled down beside your crib and began to pick everything up off the floor and motioned to put it back into your crib. I took it as your way of saying, “NOW it is nap time”.
Bella, when I talk to you, you look at me with knowing eyes. You are beyond my wildest dreams. I don’t want to be one of those parents who always wants their kids to be the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented. But to me, you are. I hope it isn’t wrong in me thinking that. You just amaze me with your abilities, your interest and your natural talents…you are so fun. As I attempt to write this entry with you still up, you keep walking back between the office (where I am) to your Father out in the living room and kitchen. You entertain yourself and us so well. You have so richly blessed our lives. As I wrote that, you came back into this room making fart noises and now you are demanding for me to hold you…I best go back to loving you with all my attention and being the worlds most luckiest, most happiest Momma!
Monday, March 01, 2004
I wanted to let you know that you now get time outs! They are just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. Your Father gave you your first one about 2 weeks ago but I wasn’t there to witness it. Since then, I have given you a couple as well. You are in a hitting stage. Not a mean and malicious one, just testing us and boundaries. But we are trying to have a united front and teach you some basic right and wrongs from the get go!
On a positive note, you say thank you. You are so smart Bella. You understand so much. I love giving you kisses and loving you ever day. We are blessed.
Oh yeah, one more thing…tonight when your father put you to bed, you stopped him and had him get the “pillow” off of Tyler’s bed and put it in your crib before you agreed to go to bed…actions like this prove to me, to us…that you are wise beyond your year!
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
You say, “Peas” for “Please”, and “Tank You”, for “Thank You”. I swear we can have almost full on conversations. Today, for example you helped me figure out why you were being cranky, you teeth in your mouth were bugging you. So you agreed that taking medicine would help after I held you. And I don’t know why but I really want to let you know that you had McDonalds for the first time on February 6th on the way to Oroville. You loved it!
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Your Daddy is teaching you how to say, “I love you”.
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
You are in a total “NO” stage. You are also LOVING to test your and our boundaries. The other day you actually put yourself on a “time-out”. You had really been acting up and your father finally asked you, “Are you going to need a time out”? You walked across the room to your time out chair and sat yourself down. Back then you used to be sad when you had time outs, but the past two days you have smiled your head off, throwing your head back in the sky and just teased us for putting you there. Even though this stage is a bit trying at times, I must admit…it is DAMN FUNNY!
Friday, March 19, 2004
There are so many moments that come and go. Just everyday moments…little glances, little smiles, soft or hard laughter that make me realize that there is no possible way for me to adequately document the development of your personality. The other day you looked at me while I was bathing you in the kitchen sink and smiled at me. It was the morning so the sun was shining brightly in through the window and I felt a rush of energy, a surge of love that is indescribable only possible to experience personally. I am so thankful for having you in our lives. I will continue to cherish the moments we share together…forever.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
I can’t believe it has been over 2 years that I have known about you. My goodness how time does fly! You are becoming more and more independent…which is bitter sweet. You play, act and think you are a lot older than 15 months! When I ask you how old you are you say very confidently, “two”. When I am holding you and we walk down stairs together, I have begun to count the steps down…and you join me. Not perfectly of course, but you match your voice to my own. You love “Twinkle, twinkle”. You really try to sing it. You ate a full serving of Macaroni and Cheese tonight. You love your baths. You love to brush your teeth. You love to tickle yourself. You spank your own bottom and laugh. You love pillows. You are becoming more territorial about your toys and your belongings. You have a play house that you do not like Kara or Jonathan to enter. You like me to comb and style your hair…although you always pull the barrettes out. You are full of life, personality, spunk…you feel our love and it shows in the way you carry yourself.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
This Friday you said to me, “Mommy, kiss”. This Saturday you said, “I love you”, as I changed your diaper. Both of these were spontaneous. Not me having you repeat me, you just looked at me and said both of these things which now are the sweetest things I will ever hear.
Monday, April 12, 2004
You love to sing and dance. Sometimes you put your head on the floor, look in between you legs and lift and kick one foot. You still love boob. And you usually always tell me, “poo” informing me when it is time to change your diaper. You reach back to your butt pulling on your clothes repeating it over and over to me. When I ask, “do we need to change your diaper?”, you almost always reply, “yes”, while walking over to the changing table. I have just recently discovered that this fleece jacket your Auntie Teresa gave you has become a security thing for you. You asked me for it 3 times today and just wore it around the house. You also asked to go to Nonies today.
Monday, April 26, 2004
The weather has just started to get warm again. Actually, yesterday and today it has been hot. When we were leaving my Moms today you sat in your car seat and said, “hot, hot”. You then began to blow on it to cool it off. Too flippin’ cute!
Thursday, April 29, 2004
You are starting to like to play dress up a lot! You have a couple of pair of play heels, necklaces, bracelets, and this morning you were sporting it all! Also this morning, I got you out of bed only to discover about a half hour later that you had no diaper on. So I asked you where it was. You took me upstairs to your bedroom, lifted up a pillow and underneath it, was your diaper which you had removed at some point. Either this morning before I went to get you up, or at some point last night. You are too much!
Monday, May 03, 2004
This weekend we went to go see Noni and Papa in Oroville. You were so happy to see them and their fish. The day before we left your Nani painted your finger and toe nails…it was the first time and you looked so special!
Anyways, yesterday morning you woke up very early because you weren’t feeling that great. So your Father and I sent you out of our room and had your grandparents watch you for a bit. When we got up, your Noni told me how you had been playing chase with her. At one point you ran into the bathroom and closed the door behind you. She opened the door and asked you what you were doing. You answered “Poo”. And you had! You went to the bathroom to go poo in your diaper.
You have been pretty fascinated with the toilet lately. Nearly every time I use the restroom downstairs, you grab your potty and sit on your own. Last Friday you actually asked to sit on the big toilet which you loved. You don’t go pee or poo in it yet, but you sure love to pretend to be! You even wipe yourself.
This morning you took a shower with me, which you also loved. I put you under the water and everything. I told you it was like rain. So everytime I put your head under the water you would say, “raining”. You are brilliant! This morning when we were in bed you also sang “twinkle, twinkle” to yourself and then clapped at the end. You didn’t say all the words but you sung what you knew and made up the rest…it tune! You rock!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Another adorable thing you have been doing lately is caring for your dolls (or stuffed animals, or any toy really). You pick them up, put them on a pillow, pull a blanket over them and tuck them in. It warms my heart to see you caring for them.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
There have been so many things lately that I have wanted to share with you. You totally sing on your own now all the time…you love Barnie…and you say, “Bless you” when someone sneezes. If someone says, “Bless you” to you, you reply, “Thank you”. You are amazing.
Sunday, May 16, 2004 (Second Entry)
I just remembered that I also wanted to tell you that the other day I was feeling a little overwhelmed. Your Daddy and I have a lot going on with Tyler’s Mommy Lexi right now, neither one of us has been sleeping that great and this particular day seemed kinda long. To make matters worse, I HAD to go to Costco. It seemed like we were out of everything! When we went there you had just woken up from a nap and never completely woke up. So when someone said hi to you when we were there, you kinda lost it. To make a long story short, I ended up having to carry you and push the cart for the whole shopping trip. Which was just fine…it really was. I understood that you were tired…so was I, and I just wanted to get out of there and go home. So then it was time to check out. And our checker was rude to me. I was going to let it go, but I decided to let him know. I wasn’t rude or confrontational, but I was hurt that after our long day, he would treat me in such a manner. Any way, as we left the store, my eyes were full of tears. I didn’t cry the whole way home, but when we got home and your Dad saw I had been upset and asked me what happened, I started to cry again. You came over to me…hugged me, kissed me and patted me on the back. My dear sweet Bella…oh how you melt my heart and remind me of what is truly important.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Today we went to mediation regarding your brother Tyler. For just under a year now, Lexi and your Father have not been able to reach an agreement. Well, that is being politically correct about it. Lexi wouldn’t let us see Tyler for more than 2 ½ hours per week for Wednesday night dinner. I hate to sound one sided….but after the past couple of years dealing with her I have learned that she does not play fair. So unfortunately, things got ugly and hopefully after today we all start fresh. That is the idea. And that is what we are dedicated to making happen. Gosh Bella, I miss Tyler. A day, a week, a month, a year in a child’s life is so precious. And to truly have missed out on this time, with all of us together…has been harder then I realized. It is somewhat easy to get distracted in life. To get wrapped up in how busy we are, and in my case, how adorable you are. But now that I know that Tyler gets to be reintroduced into our family…it makes me incredibly sad because I realize how much we all have missed. Don’t get me wrong. I am not dwelling on the negative. At least, I am not trying to. I am just speaking from my heart to you. I pray that by the time you truly begin having memories of your childhood, you never remember a time without your brother being there. That you read this and trip out that there was ever an issue. That is my hope for you and for Tyler. I love you both so much Bella. And I can’t wait for you two to really get to know each other.
Another amazing thing happened today. You, your cousin William and I went to Davis to hear your Father play in the Music Matt Band. It was the first concert you attended that you really got into. They haven’t played since last summer (that we attended) and you were too young to appreciate or to really know what was going on. But now that you are so into music….it was such a treat to see you! I got stopped twice by stranger’s who wanted to share what a great dancer you are! You have total natural rhythm, which I already suspected but to watch you being so free in public made my heart sing and burst with pride! Momma’s little dancing queen!
Oh yeah, and as usual we got stopped several other times complimenting how cute you are!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Tonight you watched a Barnie DVD all by yourself in the office. We had tried to put you to bed early, but you weren’t ready yet. Your Daddy and me were watching Sopranos and really wanted to watch all of it. At first you were really excited Barnie was on and you kept running back and forth from the office to the living room. Then I put a couple of pillows on the ground, and once you laid down, you stayed put for the entire movie! It was the cutest thing. I kept peeking in on you to see and then eventually to take a picture (which you smiled for J ) , and you just stayed put.
I also wanted to share with you that you played the bongos this weekend in Oroville and you have been pretending to be a cat lately. You crawl around and meow. This just started on Thursday or Friday of last week, but it is just precious.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Hey you guys! It only seems appropriate to me that I write to you both in one journal. I thought about it a lot last night and it seems as though I would just be repeating myself a lot if I did two separate journals. I don’t know. I might change my mind. Especially if you are a boy. OK, here is the thing. I appear to be pregnant again! Let me back up a bit.
I should have been on my period at the end of May, but I never started. In hindsight there were other signs. For example, a couple of weeks ago, Julia and your Father caught a stomach virus that was going around. Well, last week, I too assumed I had this “virus”. I felt nauseas and thought I was going to throw up twice. But unlike your cousin and Father, I never did. Instead, I just had this light feeling of motion sickness. I also, have been extremely tired for the past two weeks. I thought it was due to the hot weather and my not working out lately. The dead give away was no period though. So last week I took a pregnancy test, but it came out negative. So this past weekend, which just so happened to be Memorial Day weekend, I had a few margaritas with Auntie Rose Mary and Aunt Cha-Cha. But yesterday morning, when it was officially June…I called Auntie Rose at work and asked if she could possibly bring home another pregnancy test when she came to get Fiona. Well, Uncle Nathan came home earlier than usual, and Auntie actually ran late. And when she finally got here, Fiona was in major booby withdrawal, so I just sat and visited with Rose as she fed her. I wasn’t anxious or preoccupied regarding the looming test I was to take. I just kinda matter of factly, as Auntie was leaving realized she had brought not just one but two. She wanted me to take the test now. She said she would wait, and then joked with Uncle Nathan about how she hoped she wouldn’t ruin our special moment. It was all so casual. I went and peed in the cup (this test was the old school kind), and Bella, you came into the bathroom and bumped into me, so I got urine all over myself. After cleaning myself up, we dipped the dip stick and one line appeared right away. So, I thought to myself how strange. I kinda thought I knew I must be pregnant. Well, Auntie Rose Mary insisted that I take the other one and by the time I got the dip stick out of its packaging, the first test, now showed two lines. So, I dipped the second one, and sure enough, two lines showed up immediately! So…..it looks like I am pregnant again!
The way Kaiser works is I have to go into their lab and take a pregnancy test. Well, once it becomes official that I am pregnant and the results appear so in their system, I will be scheduled my first prenatal visit as well as some class they require I take. At any rate, I am thrilled and a bit surprised still. But your Father and Auntie both congratulated us right away and your Daddy gave me lots of special treatment last night. Ice cream, foot rub, and helped me out with Bella even more than usual.
I know it is early, we are figuring, I must just be a couple of weeks along….but you are already loved. We already told Bella all about you. I kinda hesitated writing about you until I went to the Doctor but I couldn’t bare waiting that long. I know you are already here and it is time we start getting to know each other!
Sunday, June 06, 2004
OK. Well, we are definetly expecting a new member of our family. Your Daddy and I are certain you are a boy right now. I think it is way too early for the sex to even be determined but we both have a strong hunch. J
This Thursday, I have a prenatal class at Kaiser. I am hoping I get a better of idea of what is going on with us on this day. I just feel out of the loop on this for some reason. I mean, I know I am pregnant, and I feel pregnant and I want to be pregnant, but it is all just surreal. Between feeling tired, nauseous and nervous, I have Bella running around getting teeth right now and I am trying to wean her!
My girlfriend Deana shared with me some words of wisdom that her midwife said to her. Which is to realize, and accept the fact that I am pregnant; but this baby growing inside me is not Bella. Therefore, I cant or I shouldn’t expect this experience to be identical to my first since you are not your sister. I need to feel this pregnancy and get to know you the same way I did your sister. That’s just going to get some getting used to. Not that you aren’t important…it’s just new…I am still learning, so please be patient with me and know that I love you and I love you Bella with all my heart!
Monday, June 14, 2004
I had the prenatal class. It was kinda routine and boring. I had all my blood work done and I am assuming everything is ok (knock on wood). I have been a bit concerned since I spotted last week for 4 days. Mostly, brownish discharge, but one time full on blood in the toilet water. It was pretty frightening. To make matters a bit more concerning, Ewan had Fifths Disease recently which is not great for developing fetuses. Now, it appears as though Bella is getting it. At least it looks like it to me. A very faint rash on body…I think I will call advise nurse to see if I can move forward my appointment. It isn’t scheduled until July 6th, and I just feel as though I will burst between now and then.
No matter what, as usual, I hope and pray all is well with all of us always. This is kind of hard talking to both of you at the same time. I want to be able to address both of you. I guess at times, I will group it together like this. And then when it comes to specifics, I can dedicate an entry or a paragraph to one. Starting now…
Bella, this weekend you were cracking me up. You have started to say, “What happened?”. I know that you learned this from Ewan from it still cracks me up that you are so advanced. I swear, I can talk to you and I know that you know what I am saying. Even though you cant communicate back to me in full sentences, I get a lot of response from you and there is so much behind your eyes. You light up my life!
Baby Boy/Girl/Twins
I am trying to take care of myself and you. I desperately want to meet you. Being pregnant with you is much harder on my body than I am used to, but I want you to know…even though I may not have a lot of energy in documenting every little thing I am experiencing, I am living and appreciating you growing immensely. I have actually felt bad that I have not written to you more explaining how excited I am to be pregnant, because I am. But I have been fearful in some ways. Like I said, the Fifths Disease exposure, the spotting…I just am praying that you are whole and healthy. So, I am kinda trying to baby myself as much as I can to protect you, in case you are having a hard time right now. To make matters slightly worse, your Father and I are experiencing some financial difficulty right now. Please don’t read this one day and think anything crazy. I am simply telling you this now, so you know where we are right now. It is important to me to always be honest with you my children. I don’t want any bullshit lines you know? I want to be straight with you. I mean, age appropriate of course, but still I want to up front and let you know that I have been alittle stressed out by things outside my body as well. But again, KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU. KNOW THAT I WANT YOU. KNOW THAT ABOVE ALL ELSE, YOU, YOUR SISTER, YOUR BROTHER, AND YOUR FATHER, ARE MY LIFE!
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Today was an awesome day. Bella, you had your NICU follow up appointment and you just rocked! You exceed expectations for you age. We were all so proud of you. There were a series of test performed and you just took each one on with stride, interest, excitement. It was awesome to watch. A normal score is in the 87-115 range. You scored 133….need I sat more? They just love you there. The Doctor performing the test joked about us lying about your age! You have the quite the personality Bella! There are so many other things I want to share with you, but I am so tired and I hate to admit it but I forgot some of the stories. I need to go relax a bit and rest…but I had to tell you about your score! I don’t want to be a numbers Mom or preoccupied with tests…it was just a proud appointment for me because there was no preparation for it…I didn’t know how you would handle the tasks you were given and to see you listen and follow directions….it was just heart warming….my sweet, smart, beautiful Bella!
Thursday, June 24, 2004
A few days ago, I busted out a box full of maternity clothes. I haven’t put them away yet because we stayed the past couple of nights at your Aunty Rose Mary’s house. So this morning when you came in to our room you saw the box of clothes and started to go through it. You picked out a couple of shirts and said, “pretty”, and then you picked up a pair of camaflouge Capri pants and said, ”Cute”! It cracked me up because you then tried to put the pants on over your head.
Later on today I broke down and breast fed you. When you were done, you looked up at me smiling and said, “Happy”! I just had to tell you that!
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Just needed to let you know that for the past two days, you have been potty training yourself! You asked to go to the potty on Monday and sure enough, you sat down watched a potty video, and then peed. Then yesterday, you went hard core. You insisted on being naked and sitting on your potty. Again, you peed immediately. You also poo’d twice on the floor, so the diaper went back on! J
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
On July 4th you started to dog paddle on your own while swimming….you trip and amaze me!
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
I also wanted to let you know that you saw some of the movie “Annie” this weekend and you loved it! You totally tried to sing the song “Tomorrow” after hearing it twice J
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
I also wanted to let you know that you have stopped breastfeeding. About a week ago today it worked out that you fell asleep at Noni’s house and didn’t have any. And then you didn’t all day on Wednesday. Then Thursday, I had to go to the Dr.’s to check on the baby, and I was instructed to stop breastfeeding immediately since I had begun to spot/bleed again.
Now for you little baby! Today, your father and I went to see the Dr again and we both feel much better about this pregnancy. We have been so worried because I have felt sick, have spotted and have just been exhausted. Something just seemed wrong. But then today, we had the ultrasound and it was so awesome. We are 9 weeks 4 Days along….and you were kicking and you moved an arm, your heart beat wonderfully….we feel so relieved and excited. Our due date is Jan 29th but that is going from a 10 week pregnant standpoint which means, you might be born on your Daddy’s and Grandpapa’s birthday! J
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Ok….a couple of things, you are so flippin’ cute! We went to the zoo on Thursday and you loved it. You would talk to the animals by naming what they were and then saying hi and by to them. For example, “Hi tiger, hi tiger….bye tiger, bye”. On the way home you fell asleep saying, “Peacock, peacock, pea-“. When we got home, I emptied the car out and let you sleep (don’t worry Noni was with us!), and when I got you out of the car, you were still half asleep and you still said, “Pea-cock”.
Another thing that you did this past week that really amazed me was you gave a teddy bear “booboo” from yourself. You lifted your shirt up and breast fed him! Another thing you did was make a little family. A bear was the Daddy, a doll was Mommy, and alittle baby chick was the baby. You also put everyone on “time out”.
On Saturday morning, you came to bed with me. It had been over a week with no boob…but you were begging for it on Saturday. I had read not to forbid it. That if you really needed it, I could give in. Not only did I read that, but I felt that. I couldn’t deny you anymore. You opened up my shirt and my left breast was exposed. You looked at me, looked at my nipple and then back at me. You said, “Booboo”. You had also asked very politely earlier which helped me make my decision by saying, “Booboo Bella Mommy Please!”. So, you went ahead and latched on…for about a second and then said, “Done”. You then insisted on the left one, latched on for 3 to 4 seconds, and then said, “Done”. I think that may be it for the breastfeeding! I am so proud of you and so happy that I now have the last time we shared that as a memory!
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
You swim! You swim with a life vest, but you swim. All over the place! You don’t like to be held. You absolutely love the water. J
Friday, July 23, 2004
Entry for the baby
Your Daddy, sister and I went to the doctor today to hear your heartbeat. At first, it was difficult to find, but sure enough…it came through, loud and clear! 159 beats a minute…..could you be a girl afterall!?!
Monday, August 16, 2004
Baby-Last Friday I went to the Dr.’s, I am 16 weeks pregnant! Your heartrate was 135-140….maybe you are a boy. Then, on Saturday night I felt you move twice. I wasn’t positive but I was suspicious. Then last night when I went to bed……I felt it again…..you little sweet heart!
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Bella Luna
Just wanted to let you know again how much you amaze me. Just a short while ago I put you to bed and you have a total routine for bed time with you Dad. Well, when he is gone, I put you to bed (he is out to dinner with Tyler). So anyways, we were done stairs on the couch relaxing when you started to cry. I could not figure out what you were saying or why you were crying. Finally, I made out the word “Dog”. So I looked outside and sure enough a neighbors rather large cat had come into out backyard and was in your full sight! So, I asked if you wanted me to get rid of it. You said yes. So I walked over to the sliding glass door, tapped on it and sure enough the cat ran off. I came back to you on the couch and you began crying again. This time, you said, “Bella go Noni house”. So I repeated, “you want to go to Noni’s house?”. And you said, “YES”. It was so sad, but also amazing that you form 4-5 word sentences on your own. You also told me today that you wanted to go to school once you realized that was where Tyler and William were.
OK, so going back to the bed time routine….you Dad had given me all the details of it a few weeks ago. So now when I take you to bed, we follow the routine. We say goodnight to all the pictures we pass, and then go to turn on music. You know how to start the CD, but you point to every other button first and ask, “this?”. Once you get to the right button and push it, me or your Dad says, “Yes”, and begin to slowly walk away. It takes a few seconds for the CD to start playing so as we turn to walk away we say, “oh no, I guess it didn’t work”. By the time we get this sentence out, the music begins to play and you laugh with your head back. Then when you go to bed, you have an order for all your pillows and blankets. The position and the necessity of all these items change constantly….except for your princess pillow. Let me explain, a few months ago I bought you a pillow case cover that has Cinderella on one side, and Snow White on the other. I used to always put it with Snow White facing up just because she is a brunette and I didn’t want to push the importance of Blond on you. Well, you took note because if Cinderella is facing up, you wont put your head down on it. You flip the pillow over to expose Snow White……SWEAR TO GOD>>>>>TRUE STORY>>>>>YOU ROCK!
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Bella, you were difficult today! But I wanted to tell you….that clear out of the blue this morning you latched on to my boob! I had to wake up your Father so he could help me. I also wanted to tell you that you sing, “Happy 2 U”, instead of, “Happy birthday 2 U”. Today you saw a birthday cake with candles lit on TV and you said, “Happy 2 U Cake”! You manage to make me smile even after a day like today…..I must really love you!
Monday, August 23, 2004
We have this routine. Every time we get in the car you say, “hot”. My reply has always been, “well you know why? It’s hot outside”. Since this has become a routine of ours, lately, after you say it is hot (once you enter the car), I ask you why, and you reply, “hot, side”. Anywho, on Saturday we left your Aunts house and while I was putting you in the car you said, “Hot”. I said, “No, its not!”. And you looked and me and said, “warm”. It cracked me up that you knew if something wasn’t hot and it wasn’t cold, it would be warm. Because it really was….but it tripped me out that you knew to say that.
Baby….I feel you now. We just took a bath and I think you really enjoyed it. You moved like 3 times. You feel so big….I cant imagine what you will feel like as you get bigger! But I cant wait. I think of you all the time. And I love you already so much…..I just still cant wrap my mind around the thought of you yet. I cant wait to find out what you are….everyone is thinking you are a boy still!
Good night my loves!
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Baby-Tuesday night your Daddy got two free tickets to go see Dave Matthews Band. He was kind enough to let me take you Aunt Cha-Cha. Anyways, we had such a good night. Really mellow….lawn tickets…it was nice. We laid down on a blanket and stared up at the stars. I was rubbing my tummy and you kicked! J
Bella- You asked to wear pants the other morning. This morning you asked for a dress. When my Mom watched you the other night when I was at the concert, you asked for a book by name! You are growing so much!
Then yesterday you were swimming with your cousins and you kept jumping in the pool from the high planter! You have no fear. Eventually, you lost your footing and you fell in the pool, scrapping you chin and your leg on the way down. After about a minute of comforting….you jumped back in the pool! You are so strong Bella. I admire that so much in you.
Monday, September 06, 2004
I also wanted to let you know (Bella) that you asked for waffles the other day…you had never done that before. I mean if given a choice, you can make decisions but now you say what you want without being asked…and that shows so much growth to me!
Baby- I love you. We go to the Dr on Friday for my 20 week check up…and then a week from today, we will get an ultrasound. J
Monday, September 13, 2004
Baby!!!!!!! You are a GIRL! We had are ultrasound today and had a total shock. We all thought you were going to be a boy. At any rate, we cant wait to meet you.
Bella- last Thursday you peed in the big potty all on your own. You wanted to sit there. You did the same thing yesterday and today…..could you be self training!?! Please! Oh yeah, and you melted your Daddies heart today….you sang a lot of the words to “Tomorrow” with me today. He couldn’t believe his ears!
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Girls-
Now that we know you (Baby) are a girl, the search for a name has officially begun! This evening instead of saying, “Baby” when I was touching my stomach, I said, “Baby Sister”. Bella, you seemed to like this. Then I started suggesting names. Lola, Violet, Maria. To each of these suggestions, Bella quickly and firmly said, “Noooooo!”. Then I said, “Well how about Bella’s Sister?”. Scary thing is Bella said, “YEAH!”.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Hi Girls~
Yesterday I felt baby move around a lot! I felt most of the movement towards my lower left side. I felt you again today. It makes me so happy to feel you. You are a mystery to me. First, I thought you were a boy, and now it appears that you aren’t…..and now I just wonder what you will look like. Will you be healthy!?! I hope and pray that you are. I cant wait to meet you….but I am also really happy to be pregnant and feeling good right now. I can finally enjoy this very special time….just the two of us!
Bella, you are totally self potty training. You went poo in the potty yesterday for the first time and did it again today like an old pro. You have also started saying, “Oh Goodness”. It cracks me up!
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Baby Girl-
Daddy felt you move for the first time this week. You really let him have it! You move around a lot. I really enjoy feeling you. You are so strong. J
Girls-
Bella has become more and more interested in the baby. She hugs and kisses my tummy and says hello baby sister! She talks right into my belly button and sticks her finger in it. It is awesome.
Side note, we bought a mini van this weekend! I am so excited. I love it!
Bella-
You have begun your self potty training again this week! It has been just awesome. You really want to go to Julia’s school.
Another thing that has been awesome is your Daddy is reading to you, “The monster at the end of this book” every night. You now talk in a monster voice and show how the monster is scared in the book by acting it out! It is just so amazing watching you grow!
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Bella-
The past two nights you have slept in the toddler bed all night long! We didn’t even plan for it. We took you up to bed Monday night and that was the bed you chose. Instead of arguing with you over it…I guess you Dad and I decided to see, why not!?! And as a result, you got such an awesome night of sleep. You actually slept in. I guess you were ready! You just crack me up. Your self potty training, and now your choosing to sleep in the “big girl” bed.
Baby-
I think we have come up with a name for you. Valentina. I was over at my Mom’s house and the TV was on. We weren’t watching anything in particular when a commercial came on for an entertainment show that was going to feature a story on “Valentino” (a famous designer). When they flashed the name on the screen, I thought the letter combination looked just lovely…so I automatically switched the o at the end to an “a”. I then suggested “Valentina” to my Mom and Aunt Rose Mary. They both loved it. When I came home, I suggested it to your father and for the first time, he liked a name I had come up with! The big challenge was bringing it up to Bella. She has vetoed everything so far. But when we were talking to you the other night I told her that her baby sister’s name might be Valentina and she too, agreed! Is it a done deal!?!
By the way, you have been kicking me so much! You move so dramatically. It is like you are poking me, moving things around, etc. It is pretty killer. I love feeling you!
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Bella,
You say, “rock n roll” when we get in the car. Your Father and I don’t know where you learned this from but it is killing us! You are still sleeping in the “Big girl bed”! Yesterday you went to the book store with Noni for story hour. You loved it. You sat on her lap the whole time. The instructor couldn’t believe how well behaived you were!
Baby~
I cant stop eating chocolate. It is just wrong. I am addicted. I mean, I have always loved chocolate but I never needed to eat it in such large quantities! You also move insanely
intense!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Bella-
You have taken to adding your name to a lot of common words. Such as “Bella Pop” instead of “Lollipop”. And “Bella Button” instead of “Belly Button”. You are still using the phrase, “Rock and Roll” at random times, and you have started to call me Elisa….but it sounds more like E-sa.
Baby-
You move so flippin much. This time around I am experiencing a lot of Braxton hicks. I cant believe how intense it is. I love it, but it is breath taking…..literally. You are going to be here before we know it!
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Bella~
The other day we were in the living room. You ran into Tyler’s room and ran back. You did this about 2 times. The 3rd time you stopped yourself, looked over at me on your way around the corner and said, “back minute Mommy”. I thought this was so cute and so advanced for your age. This is just one example of things that you say that amaze me constantly. Because its not like we teach you all of these different phrases. You just pick them up and apply them in the correct way. You are even really good at past and present tense.
Last night we took a shower together. You were walking around in the tub when you suddenly stopped and stood right in front of me. I could barely see you past my stomach so I shifted my body just so and saw you staring right at my vagina. You asked, “Mommy, what is that?”. I said, “It’s my vagina”. You bent over looked at your own, grabbed it, looked up and me and said, “I have Gina too!”.
Baby~
You are on a roller coaster ride inside my tummy. I have never felt or known such movements to exist. I am serious. You fill me with your energy…..you body. And you are seriously doing some major kick boxing, yoga inside your Mommies tummy!
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Bella~
You also say, “Bellapiller” instead of Catapiller.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Bella~
You are doing so much. You talk all the time. You sing all the time. You bounce all the time. You finish my sentences. You are so independent. I am so very proud of you. This weekend you saw Santa Claus at Kmart. You call him Claus. You say he is going to bring you toys. You said he scares you. You own my heart!
Baby~
You are an alien! You move so intensely it is almost painful. Yesterday I took a nap and had my knee curled up by my stomach. You kicked me so hard I swear I felt it on my knee! You crack me up. Tomorrow your Daddy and I are going to go to the Dr and have another ultrasound appointment. I pray you are whole and healthy. We cant wait to meet you. It still seems unreal. I cant believe we are about to be a family of 5!
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Bella~
There are many things I want to tell you about. But I am so tired so let me make it short and sweet.
We just watched the lighting of the Christmas Tree in New York on TV. You loved it. We sang and danced around the living room. It is 9 o’clock and you are just now going to bed! You usually go to bed at 7:30! Anyways…you really enjoyed it. When the Rockets came out to dance you let out a big sigh and said, “Mommy, Blue Barbie!”. This was such a compliment to them because you have been asking for a “Blue Barbie” for about a month now. And then a singer named Jessica Simpson came out and when you saw her you said, “Cinderella! Cinderelly, Cinderelly!” It was so flippin cute.
Another adorable thing you have been saying for about a week now is “What in the world!?!” I don’t know where you picked it up from but it kills me!
Here is another little fact about you...your new thing is farting. You love it. You wont let one slip out with out announcing it. The other night Daddy farted and you said, "Good fart Daddy"!
Baby~
Please don’t feel forgotten. I couldn’t even if I tried. You are really growing now. And you continue to take my breath away from moving around so gosh darn much….but I love it. It amazes me how strong you are and how different being pregnant with you feels in comparison to your Sister…I cant wait to meet you. Bella cant either. She pulls at my tummy and says, “Out…Bella hold” or “Bella hug, take out”!
By the way, your ultrasound went extremely well. You looked just beautiful. You kept looking right into the wand of the camera. We could clearly see your nose, mouth, eyes…just precious.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Happy Birthday Bella! You are officially 2. Your brother called to wish you a Happy Birthday and all in all we had a great day. We went to Barnes and Noble for story hour today. This was a special treat….for me anyways! You get to go every Tuesday with Nonni but today, Jonathan and Amanda did not come so I just had you, Payton and Fiona. So Nonni and I took you guys and Ewan. It was such a pleasure to see you there. You just love books. You are so attentive and when it is time to sing in between stories you go for it, even when you don’t know the words. J
I cant believe I have not mentioned to you how much you love your Princess book. You have it memorized. You completely know the entire thing by heart. It has been taped together many times because it goes almost everywhere with you. Some mornings, I catch you laying in bed reading it to yourself.
Two years old today Bella and you have given so many people so many wonderful memories….just by being and becoming you. I am so proud to be your Mom. You are smart, beautiful, funny, loving, and talented. I thank God for these two years. They have been worth more to me than the most precious stone. You fill my heart with the warmest love and make want to be not just a better person, but a better woman.
Kids & Baby~
I cant believe, cant imagine what our lives will be like once your sister arrives. First of all, I hope and pray she and I both have a safe and healthy delivery. Secondly, I want for her becoming part of our family to be a smooth transition. To be honest with you kids, it is all kind of surreal to me. When I was pregnant with Bella, it was all so new and exciting. And although Tyler has been in my life for 5 years now, the fact that I didn’t give birth to him and he isn’t always with us...didn’t make Bella’s coming home that much of an impact in a way. He already had one brother at home, he was kind of the professional older brother by the time Bella came around. And I imagine out of the two of you kids who are already here, he will have the easier transition with this new baby. Just the same, I want you all to know where my head is at with all of this.
Being a grown up is work. It is for me anyways. Some people seem to handle it effortlessly. For me…it is one conscious decision after another…for the most part at least. Anyways, what I am trying to say here is…I guess I am a tad bit anxious and in denial about the new baby in some ways. Maybe in order to protect myself I cant imagine what it will be like once she is here. Or maybe it is because I now know after being a Step Mother and being Bella’s mother…that there is no way to truly know what life will be like once you add another spirit and being to the mix. And I am so very curious and excited to get to know who this baby is. What she will be like, who she will look like. And the of course, the most important aspect, will she be healthy? Maybe it is this fear that shuts out any premonition of life after her arrival. Maybe this is what every Mother experiences before the birth of each child. What ever it is, it is a terribly exciting, nerve wracking, out of body, yet still being present experience. At any rate, I love you Bella and Tyler so much. And little baby girl, I know I love you too. And soon you will be here….and we will all see what life has in store for all of us.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Bella~
This past Saturday you went to the snow with Grandpapa, Julia, Ewan and Lupita. You had a wonderful time. You keep singing Frosty the Snowman, talking about how you made a snow man, how you almost fell in the snow and how hot chocolate is too hot! It was your first time in the snow. Your Daddy and I had to miss out on this adventure because he was laying down the new kitchen flooring and I was out getting a new stove/oven…..we are kind of nesting for the baby girl!
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Please…..know that I know I am horrible. The past month has both flown by and dragged on. I have wanted desperately to share so much with all of you, but my energy in the evenings is next to nothing!
Bella, there is so much to share with you regarding your development. You astonish both your father and I on a daily basis. There is no way I can possibly keep track of all the amazing things you do or say. You are advanced beyond your years and we find you endlessly entertaining. I will try to continue to share some of your stories with you, but for now please just accept my apology and know every moment in your precious life is recorded in every fiber of my soul.
Baby, you are amazing huge and strong. We are all just waiting for you to come and make your grand entrance. I also want to be honest with you by saying, it is different having a second child. Nothing will ever be the first again. I mean, once you are here and you start reaching your milestones, those firsts will be yours, but selfishly speaking, the entire pregnancy experience second time around…is in some ways anti-climatic. I know that sounds horrible, but I will compare it to sex. The first time a person has sex is life changing. In a moment, you go from a virgin to a sexually active member of society. The first time usually, hopefully is always a special planned out moment. Once it happens, it will forever shape or set an idea of what can be expected. It certainly doesn’t make the rest of your sex life less perfect or ideal…..it is just different, because everything you experience is no longer “new” or unknown. You feel a bit more confidant, and certain of things. Well, that is what it is like for me to be pregnant again. Kinda of, been there, done that. Totally still just as excited to get to know who you are…..see you, feel you, love you….but I am tired of being pregnant right now! I just want you here so we can all start experiancing and celebrating all of your many firsts to come!
Monday, January 31, 2005
Hey there little one……your name is Violet Olivia…and your birthday is 1/26 @9:58am. You are gorgeous. You are so strong. You have amazing dark straight hair all over your head, and the most beautiful dark eyes. When you first came out you looked pretty fair skinned. But as the days go by, you appear to have a bit more of an olive complexion. You are tiny! You weighed at birth 6 lbs 9 oz and were 19 ¾ inches long. Currently you weight, 6 lbs 1 ½ oz.
We had you on Wednesday, were released on Friday morning and just yesterday, had your first baby well visit. The Dr was very impressed with how alert you were and how strong you were! You seem to have a more mellow temperament than Bella so far. But you do love to be held, just like her. You can sleep all day in someone’s arms. And you breastfeed like a champ!
The C-Section was a lot more mellow and slower paced than that of your sisters, since it was a planned operation, not an emergency. I was nervous as hell! Thankfully, the staff was amazing and reassuring. I have so much respect and admiration for everyone and anyone who has anything remotely close to do with labor and delivery, actually, anyone in the medical field.
At any rate, this time I got to see you as soon as you were pulled up out of me. I will forever cherish the image of seeing you for the first time. Held up naked above the blue sterile sheet in front of me. You were picture perfect. A sweet little innocent baby…dazed and confused. I heard your cries as they cleaned you up and did what they do to newborns. And again, I was grateful for all your screams and wails. Before I knew it, you were cleaned and wrapped up in front of me. They nuzzled you into my neck and we just melted into one another. I fell in love with you instantly. From the first glance, first scream, first cuddle…I am head over hills in love with you….just like that.
I had wondered before you came how I could find any more love in me. Between Tyler, Bella and your Daddy, my heart felt like it was working overtime in the love department. And then all of the sudden, there you were. Precious little Violet, with your dark head of hair and deep dark eyes…something about your face, the expression your gaze held…like magic, there is love. Sweet, beautiful, unwavering, unconditional, never-ending love. I am so blessed to be your Mommy!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Being the Mommy of two little ones and having an at home daycare has proven to be time consuming! Your photo albums and this journal is obviously a bit behind. I did want to share with both of you girls….how lucky I feel I am.
Bella, you quite simply amaze me. As much as I would love to document every precious percoutious thing you do and/or say, I cant. There are simply too many and not enough down time to recapture them for you. I will try to keep note of the big ones, or even the little ones when things slow down (if that ever happens). But please know, they are so enjoyed and celebrated. Even when I am exhausted and not in the mood, a look, a comment, a giggle, a question from you….brightens my life.
Violet, I wanted to let you know that we were late for my c-section. The night before the operation, the pipes at our condo broke. Luckily, not in our home, but in nevertheless, we had no water. So we had to go stay with Noni and Grandpapa. Your sister, Daddy and I went there….went to bed….and just new we wouldn’t get a good nights sleep. Knowing that we would be getting up early and driving across town in the rain to get there by 7am. I joked with your Father when he asked how to set the alarm. I said, “As if I would over sleep!?!”. Once that comment was out in the universe, I should have known we would do just that. Luckily for us, when we woke up in a panic at 7a.m., and called the hospital they told us to go ahead and come on in. Another thing I wanted you to know about your birthday was I was the class example for everything. From the time we checked in until the moment we checked out, I kid you not…every hospital employee I cam in contact with had a student training at their side.
I also want to let you know how precious you are. You are so dear and sweet. You cuddle. You nurse, you stare, you smile, you roll over already. You are loved. I am so thankful for you.
Tyler, I love you and am so happy that you have been able to spend more time with us. My heart goes out to you. I imagine at times having two separate homes may be a bit overwhelming or annoying even. But please just know how much I admire your kindness and love. You are such a great son to your Daddy and such a wonderful big brother to your sisters, and a loving “bonus” child to me! I am so proud of you and the little man you are becoming.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Friday night Nathan, Tyler and Bella were involved in a car accident. Thankfully, everyone is ok. Nathan's car is most likely totaled, and the only one who had any bumps was Tyler (on his head and a seat belt burn on his neck). The whole experience has been a bit surreal. I will be very happy when Nathan's car is towed tomorrow, so we no longer will have a visual reminder.
Bella, loves to act out the accident. She goes through this whole skit of her brother hitting his head, crying and then her saying, "Damn it!". The paramedics checked Tyler out, and then we went to the ER just to play it safe.
The rest of our weekend we all just went about our business.....from time to time we would give an extra hug or kiss, and I know for Nathan and I.....not a minute passed without realizing how lucky and blessed we are.
My point in this email is to say hello and I love you, to all of you. Life is so precious, and it is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily insignificant parts of it all.....that sometimes it almost takes something like this to remind us of how lucky we all really are.
So.....again.....love you all....drive safely.....and please try not to take things for
granted!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
A couple of things I wanted you all to know.
Bella you have an imaginary friend named Jason. You talk about him all the time. You also sing and dance and are very interested in ice-skating. You finally got over your fear of cats and pet one for the first time last week. And this weekend we were at Papa and Noni’s and she informed us that you pet a bird. You have recently started saying that you have homework to do when you color and go up to the computer saying you need to check you emails. You are loads of fun. We love you bunches.
Violet, you rolled over 4/19. You laugh and smile and seem like the kindest baby girl ever. You love to cuddle and seem to observe a lot. You bring so much joy and peace to my life. After hectic days, when it is just you and me and you are nursing….you stop every once in awhile and just smile at me. A total “knowing” smile. You are an old soul and way calmer than you sister ever was!
Tyler, you are so big. You adapt so well every time you come to be with us. You are such an awesome big brother and an excellent student. You love spending time with us and your Noni and Papa. Last night you played a 2 hour plus game of Scrabble! You are so grown up. And you read an entire book in 2 days! We are so proud of you.
The sweetest thing that happened this past weekend in Oroville was we went to some kind of Pioneer Days festival. They had a bunch of crafts available for kids. Tyler, you made me a necklace for early Mothers Day! I am thankful for your kind soul.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Bella, you have started to be a bit paranoid when it comes to going in the car lately. You request for your Father and I to use two hands and to drive gently not hard. You request for no accidents. It is sad but also amusing to some degree. You are so smart. How you know people should use two hands is beyond us. You notice the slightest change in pavement and will ask what the different sounds are. I love you so very much little one.
Violet, you are growing so much. You had rice cereal in a bottle on 5/7. You loved it. And you are really beginning to grab for things. Me, a toy, whatever interests you. You are also very strong. You push up all the time, roll on your side, and have the sweetest toothless open mouth smile. I love you so very much!
Tyler, yesterday was Mothers Day and I missed you from the moment I woke up. I thought of you and Lexi and how you might be spending your day. You are always in my thoughts, and in my heart. I love you so very much.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Violet, you discovered your thumb and took a nap on your tummy yesterday.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Violet, Yesterday you got your ears pierced at Wal-Mart. You were so good all day, but you did scream and cry quiet a bit when the studs first went through your ears…..it killed me! But your sister was there for moral support. J
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Bella and Violet, yesterday I was laying on the ground with you guys watching Bella color (side note: Bella you are really smart, you know a lot of your letters, numbers, shapes and colors). I went to get up from the ground to go do something and I was going to leave Violet on the ground next to you. I think you thought I was taking Violet also so you said, “Mom, don’t take my sunshine away”. How can you be so cute? And Violet, how can you be so sweet? I am such a lucky Mommy!
Monday, June 20, 2005
Bella….I don’t know if I wrote this down already but you constantly are saying the funniest things. One day I asked you to clean up and you looked at me serious as a heart attack and said, “That’s a big mess, I have little hands”, holding your hands up towards me. Then just right now…you were walking up the stairs to see Dad and you told me that you were headed up there to give him a spanking. I said, “You cant spank Bella”. And you replied, “Yes, I can. And see my hands? They are hard!”.
Violet, You can roll from back, to stomach, to back again. You look like you are about to start crawling already. You have the sweetest smile. Your entire face just beams with happiness. You grab for cups, spoons and bowls.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Tyler, this past weekend was your 8th birthday party. We held it at Godfathers Pizza. It was such a wonderful time. On Sunday, your father and I woke up to orange juice, bagels, and fresh fruit served in bed. You announced to us it was “Parents Day”….all on your own…you did this act of kindness. Bless you.
Bella, your mind never stops amazing me. This morning you looked at your sippy cup and said, “Look Mommy, like Ewan”. I looked at you and had no idea what you meant. When I looked closer at the lid, there were 3 holes to drink from. It was at that point I looked at you and you had 3 fingers up. So you clarified for me, “3 for Ewan”. It tripped me out. You also have been recognizing letters. B- for Bella. M- for Mommy.
Violet, you are officially a stomach sleeping thumb sucker.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Bella- You kill me. The other day we went to a music Matt show and you started to do a new dance….you dance with both thumbs up, hitchhiker style. And you apparently are very proud of this new move. You also are really testing authority. The other morning you told me I could not spank you again. You told me your “friend” would spank me if I spanked you. Then you told me that your “friends” hands were very hard!
Violet, you sit up. You roll over from tummy to back to tummy again. You are scooting all over the place. You are such a happy kind baby. When people say hi you always smile and coo right back!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Bella, yesterday you and I were cuddling. I was hugging, squeezing and kissing you. I asked you, “Do I drive you crazy?”. You replied, “No, I drive YOU crazy”. That cracked me up. Last night, you suggested Violet sleep in her crib in your room. Your Father and I were excited about the idea and made all the rules you needed to follow. You could touch her, throw anything in the crib, or wake her up. Well, Violet was not ready for this move. She cried quiet a lot for about 5 minutes. Finally, we heard your voice at the top of the stairs. You informed us that your sister was crying. I asked, “Should we take her out of your room?” (half expecting for you to say no). Instead, you said, “I think so”. Very matter of factly. It cracked us both up.
Violet, I believe you are teething. The past two nights you have been attached to me. At one point last night I was so tired and I opened my eyes to see what you were doing and you were sitting up right next to me. So you went from a laying down position to a sitting up position all on your own in the middle of the night! You also delight all of those you see. You have the kindest smile.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Violet, Last night your Daddy was taking you to bed and I waived good night to you, then you did! You also sit up on your own now, semi crawl, you do the knee and hand thing, rocking back and forth, and you also attempt to pull yourself up. All within the past two days….amazing!
Monday, July 25, 2005
Violet, you are trying to feed yourself and hold your own bottle!
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Bella, there are a couple of things I need to share with you. The other day I asked you a question. I phrased it like, “how about we do such and such?”. You answered, “How about no”.
Another thing you said today when you answered a question I asked you was, “No, you crazy woman”. When you say things like this it kills me. You are so above average.
Another thing that happened last week was I was having car issues. The driver side window keeps getting stuck so the car was in the shop last Tuesday to get fixed. On Wednesday it got stuck again, so on Thursday the car was back in the shop. I was upset and annoyed on Wednesday when I realized I was going to be car-less and inconvianced again and you said, “What’s wrong Mommy? Is your window broken again? It’s ok…it will be alright Mommy.” Your thoughtfulness and concern were beyond you years. So anyways….on Thursday, your Daddy and I had to go get the car. Afterwards, I went to Nonnies to get you. You got in the car and asked, “Is your window working now?” You are such a trip.
Tyler, Bella, and Violet
The last thing I want to share with you, is really for all of you kids.
Last Thursday I ran into a child hood friend. When I was explaining to my mom the conversation I had with her I explained that I brought her up to date on my sisters and I. I told her that Rose Mary had 3 kids, Teresa had 2, and that I had 2. Bella, you looked at us and yelled, “No you don’t. You have 3”.
Kids, I love you all so much. I cant stand it. I am so proud to know each of you. And in case any of you ever need to be reminded, here again, I put on the record that Tyler to me is my son.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Bella & Violet,
You both have had a busy August. Violet, you crawl all over the place. You are attempting to pull yourself up as well. You are such a joy to watch. You are so curious, strong and sweet. Bella, you decided last week to start potty training yourself. You are doing fantastic. We are going to try enrolling you in Ballet if you have the attention span for it.
Kids,
This past weekend we went to visit Auntie Teresa in San Francisco. We went into the city and did the touristy Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39, Ghiradelle Square. It was so awesome. I cant wait for the pictures. On the way there Bella exclaimed that she is “Cinderella and the whole 9 yards”. You all bring more joy to my life than I could ever explain. I love spending time with each and everyone of you. I love sharing with you things I shared with my parents when I was a child….like a trip to the city, watching Sea Lions, enjoying the street vendors. Rediscovering the excitement in everyday life through a set of young eyes…the world is an amazing place….and I am so very happy that we are all in it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Violet, you have 2 teeth now, crawl all over (first time was to me!), attempt to pull yourself up, and took your Italian charm bracelet off yourself yesterday! You are busy.
Bella, you swim under water now. You are still wearing your life vest but you take great pride in sticking your face and head under water for seconds at a time, and then come up, take a gulp and then go back down. You look like a duck! We are trying to get you into a ballet class right now. We went last night but we had been misinformed so there was no class for you to start yet. But in a couple of weeks, we will be able to begin a Mommy and Me dance class! I cant wait! Oh yeah, you like to help me fold clothes and your rock at it. You also recognize more letters too. V for Violet, W for William, etc.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Bella- Yesterday you swam to me with out a vest. You rode a pony at the state fair and the Merry go Round. You are getting so big.
Violet- Any day now you are going to get up and walk away! You pull up on everything now and stand a lot (without knowing it) while you are playing. You are so kind.
Tyler- You have started to become a bit of a stinker lately. You are so smart and your Father and I are working really hard with one another and with you to help develop you into a good young man. You recently got caught telling your father a lie directly to his face while you were supposively giving him an example of your being trustworthy! We realize kids lie, and learn a lot of things on their own….but you are the oldest, and we learn with you. I hope we all continue to have patience with one another. We only want what is best for all of you. And I realize in typing that sentence that one day, you and your sisters will be able to decide on your own what is best for you….but that day only will come by our guidance and teachings along the way.
I love you all.
Friday, September 09, 2005
The past two nights you girls have both slept in the same room all night! In the mornings you guys talk and play in your room together. It still overwhelms me the love I feel for you girls. You are so sweet together.
Bella- the other day we were arguing…or discussing something and I said, “I can, and I will”. You responded (Without missing a beat),”You cant and your wont”. How scared am I?
Violet-you stand and don’t even know it. The other day I was breastfeeding you and you stopped while I talked on the phone to Auntie Rose Mary. My breast was still exposed incase you decided to snack more…I was busy talking away when I saw you notice my nipple and go back in for more….but this time you didn’t latch on…you full on bit me! Stinker!
Tyler-at dinner this week we went to Mark and Monicas (Surprise, surprise) and you were in such a terrific mood. You seem to be in a really great space again.
Love you all.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Violet-you say Momma. Not on purpose (I don’t think), but your favorite syllable or babble is MMMMMMaaaaaaaaaaMMMMMMMMMMMMMMaaaaaaaaa.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Bella, You have been saying, “Whatchutalkinaboutwillis?”, like, “What are “you” talking about Will-is?”. It is the funniest thing I have ever heard. You have also begun back talking big time. If I reprimand you, you repeat what I am saying under your breath, and/or make a face. Not very cute….but says a lot about your personality and individuality which I will always encourage.
Violet- You got a hair cut this week. My Mom and I did it while you bathed. You are the most precious baby ever. Such an old soul…Smiling with your eyes and two tooth smile!
Tyler- You are such a great big brother. Your sisters both love and miss you so much. We are so excited to see you play soccer. You are a star to all of us!
Monday, October 03, 2005
Bella- There are a lot of things lately that you say the following response to, “Mom (Dad), you (is) are mean….if you ever say (or do) that again, I will spank your butt hard. Watch my hands”. You then clap your hands together very hard and loudly. You also say from time to time, “It makes my feelings sad when you do (or say) that”. You have also been coming to our bed a lot lately. You say there are animals and shadows in your room. From time to time you say it is due to a bad dream regarding an animal….usually a lion chasing you. Oh yeah, and you have been calling me “Mama”.
Violet-Your breast feeding has gotten ridiculous. You are practically performing ballet when you do it. Your body is going in every direction. You kick a leg up from time to time. You even pat my breast like a drum as you suckle and look all over the place. You are a lot of fun and the sweetest little thing ever.
Tyler- Last night was the first night you spend a weekend with us thru Sunday night. It was so nice not having to take you back to Natomas at 5, and get to spend an extra evening with you and get your all ready for school. I love having you be a part of this family. I realize you have two…and I know that things are more challenging because of it…but I hope you agree it is worth the extra effort to all be together. Your sisters love you. Your cousins love you. Your Daddy loves you. Your Noni and Pappa love you. And in case you cant tell by now…I love you!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Violet-Yesterday you stood on your own. You also wave goodbye since this weekend. You are too smart! You say Dada, Mama, and you look in the direction of your sister and brother when we ask you where they are! You are teething right now and you are still sweet as can be. You have two teeth on the bottom and you are getting your top left tooth.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Violet-You have been standing more and more on your own. I know any day you are going to start walking. You are getting your other tooth on top right now. You almost have 4 teeth!
Bella-You have been repeating so many naughty words lately. I am really going to have to clean up my language. You asked Fiona this morning, “Where in the hell are you going?” Not good! Yesterday you told Violet to “put a lid on it”. And lastly, you have said Jesus Christ one too many times.
Tyler & Kids- this was a “Tyler” weekend and we decided to go to Apple Hill. You all are so sweet to see together. We took lots of pictures by the pond and with the hills in the background. Tyler, you really wanted to go fishing in the little pond that had just been stalked with fish. But your Daddy and I decided it would be best for you guys to plan another official fishing trip rather than waste time with the little dinky pond! After all, you guys are pro fisherman! Anyways, it was nice to have a weekend where we could just let the day take us where it took us. Right now you are playing soccer and although we LOVE to go watch your games….we were all able to sleep in a little on Saturday and just go at a slower pace instead of having to rush around. I still cant believe that it is fall and that Halloween is already here again. We are all so thankful that you will be able to be with us for Fiona’s costume party and we will have an opportunity to share part of Halloween with you. I also have begun to make plans with Noni for the holidays and a trip for all of us to Oroville will be here before we know it. Uncle Jonathan will be there and we will have a couple of days to all be together.
I love you all with all my heart!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Bella-This past Saturday was the Father/Daughter Dinner Dance put on through Fair Oaks. This was the second year you and your Father went with Uncle Curtis and Julia. You looked like the beautiful fairy princess that you are. I don’t know who was more proud coming home that night, you or your Dad. You both were beaming as you described in great detail, the balloons, twirling and your grand walk across the stage (3 of them to be exact!). Apparently you are a born dancer. Your Father noticed you watching all the older girls dancing and then would incorporate some their moves into your dance. He also told me that you like Disco music just like me. They played, “Funky Town” and even today you are still going around the house singing, “Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it”. You are my pride.
Violet-You just need to stop it already. I don’t know who you think you are, but you must be thinking you are pretty darn special and cute. You smile so hard, I swear that must be why your cheeks are so red. Today is your birth date. You are nine months today. You are the kindest, sweetest, most gentle child ever. It makes my heart ache with joy when I see the love light in your eyes. You still have 3 ½ teeth. That one on top just wont drop all the way but you can see it there. And we know at any moment you will be running….
Tyler-I am missing you right now. I am so happy that it is a “Tyler” weekend this weekend. We should have lots of fun. Fiona’s Jungle Monkey theme party is Saturday, we have a haunted house at SJE to go to, maybe church on Sunday, and then VSP on Monday. Your father told me you gave your report on Rubies at school this past Monday. He said you were proud of yourself…we are too.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Bella-You are beginning to not only have books memorized now, but you are recognizing words. This past Sunday your Nani and I took you to see Disney on Ice, Jungle Theme. You were so amazing to watch. The look in your eyes, your entire face lit up more than the skating rink, and your smile….oh Bella, your smile….gave me a lump in my throat. You are at a beautiful age right now. So curious….so anxious to know more, yet…such a dreamer. You are so much like both your Father and I. You have so much to offer this world. I realize I am your Mother, and I need to feel that way about my babies….but I sincerely believe with every part of my being that you possess that “it” factor. Much more than your Father and I ever dreamed we did ourselves. You are an amazing person to watch, to hear, to know. Even though you are INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING AT TIMES….you are so “YOU” and as FRUSTRATING as “YOU” may be at times….I am proud that you are such a strong person.
Violet-You are so close to walking. More and more of your sweet, kind personality is showing through every day. You are so much fun to watch. Every single time some one looks at you, you just smile. You clap your hands, you waive goodbye, you give kisses (when asked). You love to be sung to and you were born to be my cuddle bug J You light up while watching your spastic sister twirling around the living room. And you allow her to hug you relentlessly. Although, we must keep a close eye on her since she has carried you on more than one occasion (which is never allowed). And you with your brother Tyler is too cute for words. It’s as though you know him as your brother already….even though you don’t get to see him everyday…when you do see him…you not only give him your kind smile, but your face…the expression you have for just us family members is a cosmic hug.
Tyler-This past weekend you were with us for Halloween. On Sunday evening we were re-cooperating from the busy weekend, and preparing for another hectic day. So as we attempted to enjoy our planned out “relaxing” time…we watched America’s Funniest Home Videos. When you were much younger and your Father and I were living together in East Sac., that was a common show for us all to watch together. Well, anyways, it was their Halloween special and as usual they were showing clips of Home Videos….you laughed the entire show a laugh I don’t get to hear to often anymore. You were oblivious to how childlike you sounded….so innocent….such a little boy….which is so unlike who you are right now at 8. This weekend you showed signs of being more aware of understanding what “cool” is….and apparently it is not walking into a public building like a grocery store with your Dad, or out to lunch with your family dressed up like a Tiger. You asked to wait in the car when you couldn’t change out of your getup, and when you knew you could, you asked to take off the costume before entering lunch. These tiny things happen in our lives that seem to insignificant in a way…but your Father and I both recognized them as turning points for you as well as for us. Gosh Tyler….you are 8! How did that happen!?!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Bella-As usual, you have been saying and doing some very entertaining things. A quick recap of this week:
You announced, “I don’t live her anymore…I live at Auntie RoseMary’s”. While eating an apple you looked at me and said, “Mom, this apple is delicious!”.
Both of those statements just cracked me up. You have been dreaming a lot lately of animals. The other night you were convinced there were bears in your room. It breaks my heart to think you get scared.
Violet-More and more of your personality is coming through. It is so awesome. You totally do things for attention. You give the sweetest sideway smile.
December 28, 2005
Things have been crazy busy…obviously since I haven’t written in forever! Its not for lack of stories. You all have been such a hoot! I cant believe I just wrote that but I swear that is what best describes all of you.
Tyler~ You are HUGE! You are growing your hair out right now and look like a total heart throb! I am hoping and praying that your Mom and Jose don’t insist on you cutting it. Your Dad and I just love it. You look like a total Rock Star!
You were able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us this year. It was such a treat. We would have loved for you to have been able to join us up in Oroville for the weekend….but we understand that you have two families who both love you very much and everyone deserves to spend time with their loved ones over the holidays!
Bella~ You continue to be work for me. Most which I enjoy…but you can be a bit challenging at times. But man, do you say some funny sh!t! You are clever beyond your years. You are now 3 years old going on at least 7! We all enjoy watching you. You have such an active imagination and seem to love to perform (or at least being the center of attention!). To me, you are a STAR!
Violet~ You are a sweet pea…a love bug…you are the kindest most gentle little spirit ever! I have decided after spending the weekend with your Uncle Peter and Uncle Andrew that you remind me of them. You seem to be constantly stoned! You are so happy. You take naps with out a fuss, you are a good, clean eater…you could totally walk (if you wanted to) but you are just so content, standing and smiling. When you hear a beat, you dance. When you hear a familiar voice or sound you smile. And when I say “smile” what I mean is “BEAM”, “LIGHT UP THE ROOM”, you melt my heart! You are a ray of light in this world J
Little one~ Last Thursday, I took two test that both indicated that you will be joining us much sooner than we had planned on. We are hopeful that after the next couple of initial appointments I have, we can determine how far along we are and that you are indeed scheduled to come join this family of ours…what a sweet surprise you will be…for now you are our little secret….only Daddy, Auntie RoseMary, Auntie Tricia, and now Auntie Deana know of you….after everything gets all checked out, we will spread the word that soon you will be in our world.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Little Baby- We went to the Doctor and now know for sure that you are indeed real! You should be making your grand entrance sometime in August! I have to much to say, but your sister Bella is currently counting in the same room I am in (while she is supposed to be napping) and I have two little kids (Lauren & Charlie) in the living room, whom I can not trust much longer on their own. So….I love you and here is a letter I wrote to friends and family regarding you!
I was attempting to find a cute little e-card to make my announcement but between my computer not being ergonomically correct, and all the sudden kids not playing so well (& my tummy having issues this morning)....I gotta make this short and sweet.
It appears as though Nathan and I will be adding to our family! We recently confirmed that my lingering "stomach flu" was indeed something more. It is this tiny little guy with a teeny little flashing heart beat! We will (Lord willing) be welcoming the little one into our home in August.......gulp! YIKES!
We feel extremely surprised, happy, surprised, slightly overwhelmed, surprised, excited, surprised, hopeful, surprised, you all catch my drift.
Whether baby #3 (for me) is a boy or a girl, we honestly don't care. As usual we are just hoping (and I am praying) that this baby is as healthy (beautiful, talented & smart) as our other children (that's not too much to hope for right?)!
If we should have a little girl, she will have two loving sisters (just like me....lucky little thing...ohmigosh...I am crying!) and plenty of clothes and toys to share!
If we should have a little boy, then Tyler will have a much, much ,much younger brother (he already has 2 with his Mom, Julian and Eli) to teach "boy things" to (as well as most likely having to share a room...poor guy!). And I would have an opportunity to help provide this world with a strong, polite, kind, metrosexual young man (ohmigosh....I am indeed hormonal...I am teary eyed again!)!
I cant even stand it! I am excited to get to know more about this little bugger who has been making me tired, a little sick, a little anxious, and very hopeful about all of our futures.
Although this "news" caught us a little off guard, even Nathan (I say that because he is not very spiritual), recognizes that babies are a blessing. Although we all know scientifically how babies come to be....in my heart, in my soul (the deepest part of my being), I know....that babies come to us because they and we are hand picked to be in each other's lives.....and that is such an amazingly huge awesome miracle!
Some of you may or may not know that our house is currently on the market. We are trying to decide where we will be welcoming this little baby. There is a possibility we may need to relocate (in order to afford our growing family :-), or we may need to shack up for awhile with family (after the sale of our home) and attempt to build a little nest egg that would allow us to afford something within Sacramento.
At this point, we still just don't know. I am confidant that things work themselves out for the best.....and although we are looking forward to "knowing" (what will be happening), in the meantime.....we are all healthy and doing well.....and we are grateful and thankful for that. Everything else will just fall in place...I am just sure of it!
Anyways.....Just wanted to share our good news with you.
Love
Elisa
P.S. Hope you all are doing well....sorry if I sounded so self centered!
P.S.S. Kingham family please don't judge my email from a spelling, grammar, proper punctuation way....you know I don't like to read! :-)
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Violet- I have wanted to write to you since your birthday! Things have been extremely busy and I have been very tired….I am sorry I have not found the time….but here I am! Writing to let you know what an amazing past month you have had.
First of all, you started walking on January 12th. You are all over the place now. You crack us all up. You are still the happiest little girl in the world. Every part of your being smiles. Lately, more and more of your personality has shown. You are doing things to make us laugh and you yourself laugh out loud! You sometimes cover up your mouth and tilt your head back. You also cry a very over exaggerated cry. You have a total upside down smile…hold your breath, tightly close your eyes and then let out a big….BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO. You blow raspberries with your cries!
You also are off the boob! January 29th was the last day for it and you have done just awesome and so have my boobs (thank goodness)! Every once in awhile you remember but for the most part it has been a very smooth transition. I am very happy for us both.
I also wanted to share with you that you for sure say “Momma” and “Cup”. You totally play the drop the cup game from your high chair. And you also respond to questions with a “yeah” when the answer is “yes”. You are very smart, sweet, beautiful and I adore you.
I cant believe it has already been a year. It flew by. I realize you aren’t an infant anymore and I really am enjoying this phase you are in…but it is surreal how quickly a year goes by when you are watching your children grow.
Violet, I just think you are a precious little angel. I cant get enough of you. Sometimes I feel guilty because Bella can monopolize a lot of time and energy, and I am always thankful that you have been as easy going as you are…but please know…you are my heart. You are my love….there is only one Violet and I feel so blessed that you are ours!
Bella- I need to let you know that you are a freak of nature! As exhausting as you are…you are pretty darn entertaining. You NEVER stop! You hop and talk through life. Your mind is always going. Your energy is endless. Your imagination is a gift. You talk about “Jason” your imaginary friend and all the experiences you two have. You live in a world of Ballerinas, Princesses, Dragons, Lions, Castles, FANTASY! As tiring as it all can be for a pregnant Mommy running a daycare with 6 kids….I never stop being thankful that you as strong as you are. Even when that strength brings me to tears of frustration at times…..I admire your spirit so very much and realize you are just destined for greatness…..or madness (both are really the same)! J
Friday, March 03, 2006
Violet- You have been a joy since the day you were born…but lately, your personality is coming out and coming out strong! We are so enjoying you right now. Everyday, you get spunkier! You run all over the place now. You respond when spoken to….you try to say, Bella. It sounds more like Ella, but it is so adorable to hear you call for her. And last night, I swear you said Tyler perfectly! You are proving to be quite the performer. You love attention….you love to see and make people laugh. Your disposition is such a gift and joy. I am thankful every moment I see you…your smile, the way your eyes light up and your cheeks glow full of rose!
Friday, March 10, 2006
I have to make this short-
Bella~I have to let you know about this before I forget. Last week, I was checking my email during daycare hours. I heard you, Fiona, and Lauren laughing…I was only on the computer for about a minute when I decided to check on you guys. When I walked into the living room I found you, bent over, bare ass, spreading your butt cheeks to your captive audience.
Another Bella story for you, you have been more challenging lately than ever. You have a mouth on you like you wouldn’t believe…at least, I don’t believe it…and the looks you give…are powerful. At any rate, yesterday you were being especially challenging and you needed to apologize to Fiona. You refused to apologize so I told you that you would apologize on your own, or I would spank you and then you would have to apologize. You just looked at me and I said, “Well, which one is it”….you then responded, “Leave me alone….I am deciding.”.
Violet~ You are a living doll. You have started walking with your hands behind your back…you dance a lot, and you totally have mastered saying, “Bella”. Also yesterday, you were totally playing with Charlie. You guys were buddies. At one point, I saw you playing together and you were sitting across from one another and he was pretend feeding you with a play spoon. It was just about one of the cutest things I have seen. You would open your mouth each time he put the spoon towards you and it was so sweet to see you pretend play. I just adore you.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 (3:49AM)
Hey kids. As usual there are so many things that I could share with all three of you about how cute, smart, and funny you are….but I am growing tired (thank goodness, perhaps now I will be able to sleep) but thought since I was up, I thought I would take the opportunity to bring you all up to speed as to where we are right now.
We have sold our condo which is a wonderful thing. The housing market is very high right now, and Condos don’t have the best resale value….we got full asking price (once we came down on our asking), so we are thankful and grateful.
As your Father and I have begun to pack up our lives and box up all of our “things” I find myself cherishing our last few days in our first home. I never grew up wanting to live in a condo…let alone begin my family in one…but I am so thankful that we were able to buy when we did…and that for the past couple of years, all of us have had a place to call home. A place that is comfortable, familiar, and warm.
I am certain that once we relocate to Oroville, and transform Noni and Papa’s home into our own…our new little place on Morningstar will become our safe haven. A place filled with familiar belongings, and our own precious prized possessions.
The move is going to take some adjusting.
First off, we aren’t moving directly there. We are unable to move in until Noni and Paps’s new house is completed and passes inspection. So for a month or so, we will be living full time with Nonni and Grandpapa. This is going to be the first challenge.
Secondly, once we are able to move in, I am hoping your Father and I have enough energy to do some painting and possibly afford to update the very old bathroom we will all be sharing! Lastly, once we are able to “move in” it may not completely feel like it since your Daddy still works here in Sacramento, and I plan on keeping us all in this area at least until after the baby gets here since this is where our medical care is.
With that being said, I think the reality of this plan of ours is beginning to hit your Father and I more and more as we get closer to our move out date. Although, I know this isn’t going to be the easiest, smoothest most pleasurable way for any of us to live…I still feel thankful that we were able to sell our home in a crazy market, and that we will be purchasing a new home with much character and also so much potential!
I have complete and total faith that we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing right now. This part of our life is just a phase…and I know one day we will look back and remember it and it will seem like a faint memory.
Just please know…all of you…we are making this move for you. It has been very difficult financially for your Father and I to keep this family afloat and we are trying so desperately to get our feet on the ground…and I know there will be sacrifices in order to achieve what we are hoping for…but everything worth having in this life takes work and commitment and is never handed to us. Both your father and I are committed to this family and are no strangers to hard work or sacrifice!
Anyways….I love you all with all my heart and I know you girls may not ever remember the condo…but you will Tyler…and I hope the memories we have all had here together bring a feeling of warmth and happiness…just as all of us being together brings no matter where we are…even in Oroville! J
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Hey there.
This has to be short and sweet since I am kneeling in an almost empty room/house and I am not all that comfortable. We are officially moving out this weekend!!!
Escrow is closing on Monday and we need to be out by Tuesday or vice versa...anywho....I think I should still be able to check email from time to time. But we will be staying with my parents until we move to Oroville (in about a month or so) and my Dad not only has dial up, but the slowest computer anyways...so I don't know if I am going to be in the mood to go through the trouble of logging on and then checking email on such a slow server.....but anyways......Nathan and I still have our cell phones in the meantime (n=916-284-0105 e=916-284-0103). Once we officially move and get settled in, I will send out an email with our new mailing address and phone numbers.
Now more importantly....we had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday and the baby appears to be right on track and was so animated, we were just thrilled. It was by far our best ultrasound experience EVER!!! The technician was a 30 year veteran and was so kind, informative and just plain lovely. It was the clearest picture Nathan and I had ever seen of any children in utero and it was just such a gift for us to have this memory with our last pregnancy.
The technician was also able to confirm that we will be having our 3rd daughter in August! Nathan and I just started laughing when she confirmed what we felt we knew all along....it just isn't in the cards for me to deliver a son......I am officially a girls' Mom & Tyler is officially the only Kingham son to date (Peter, Andrew, Jonathan, Bethany the torch has been passed to you to carry on the Kingham name.....no pressure!)
So....thank goodness for hand-me-downs....and thank goodness that the girls will be so close in age....they can share a room for years (whether they want to or not!).
So....we all may be out of touch for awhile now...but please have us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue our journey over the next few months....as you will be in our hearts and prayers as well.
Love you all
Elisa & Family!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
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1 comments:
I don't even remember what I was searching in Google regards pregnancy....
but I bumped in to this diary dedicated to your daughter.
My mother pasted away when I was 4 and miss her EVERY day of my life.
As a daughter I would of loved to have read something like what you have created.
Now that my husband and I are trying to conceive I am borrowing your idea and make a diary using this site for my future bundle of joy.
I Realized by reading some of your stuff that we share a similar way of seeing life. I just wanted you to know that today you have been an inspiration to someone else...
to ME.
And I Thank you for that
Paulina
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